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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2017 12:49

The situation is hopefully all resolved so it will be all good

I really don't want to bring you down, but I really don't think this is all resolved for your SIL, and I think if you assume it is you might really hurt her. I think she is very aware that she's been essentially forced into doing the right thing and having your baby at the party - and it is the right thing, but I think you continuing to remember that it's not what she wanted and it'll be really hard for her is going to go a really long way here.

Appuskidu · 07/11/2017 12:51

kitchen pockets wear bigger knickers

What does that mean?!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2017 12:52

I think OP meant 'kitchen pickers', which my nana used to say too!

Original poster
Littlejayx · 07/11/2017 12:55

My autocorrect gets me in some bad situations.

Pickers hahaaa

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2017 13:00

I do agree with Lisa. I don’t think the situation is resolved. I imagine your sil feels bullied into accepting your child. However wrong I believe that kind of thinking to be, it is her reality and needs to be accepted as such.

I think you sound very kind LittleJay and have no intention of rubbing your sils nose in it. Your sil is displaying signs of having poor mental health, which other posters have mentioned. Her actions are not one of a happy and well balanced person. So do continue to be kind. But do not allow bullying. And find your red lines.

I hope the party goes well. And that between now and then she manages to reconcile to the reality of your situation.

LondonGirl83 · 07/11/2017 13:27

Well done OP. I'd echo what mummyoflitttledragon said. Your SIL's feeling are probably still unresolved but it is important that you continue to stand up for yourself (sesitively) as you have.

Best of luck with it all and enjoy the party

Original poster
Littlejayx · 07/11/2017 13:31

Sorry I know the whole situation isn't resolved, just the original topic. I don't want to rub anyone's noses on anything, truthfully I do want everybody to be happy. I know baby littlejay being there will bring my brother a lot of happiness and if things get too much for SIL we will take our leave and excuse to for baby or me bring tired.

I am trying to stand up for myself but I think this isn't the right time Grin

Thank you all for helping me think about what she's going through. It has made me think more about her feelings too x

OP posts:
diddl · 07/11/2017 13:49

"I'm not so sure that a party where his in-laws treat his nephew like the second coming is going to be great for him either. "

It does sound very OTT, doesn't it?

Even without the situation that SIL & Ops brother are in.

Roomster101 · 07/11/2017 13:54

Thank you all for helping me think about what she's going through. It has made me think more about her feelings too

I think that knowing you are thinking of her feelings could make all the difference with regard to your future relationship with her and therefore your brother.

Sprogletsmuvva · 07/11/2017 14:25

Often after an ‘event ‘, you reflect on things you’ ve learnt. These may not be the immediately obvious.

In SiL’s case, while coming to terms with her situation is obviously a very long-term thing, she will hopefully have realised that there are limits to how much you can embroil other people in your struggles. It’s fine to say eg “I have a headache “ to get out of an occasion where you’d have to see someone you don’t like. Not fine to engineer a situation that makes an unwitting 3rd party look bad.

EnidButton · 07/11/2017 14:32

Ps- don’t ever leave ur baby alone with her. She clearly has some sort of mental issues. I’ve read a lot of stories about some women losing it and she could hurt ur baby.

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

EnidButton · 07/11/2017 14:33

^ etzy

Aderyn17 · 07/11/2017 14:35

I must admit, I lost a fair bit of sympathy for her when you said she was lying to everyone about this and making you look rude to her family. I would have had much more respect and sympathy if she wasn't painting you to be the bad guy here and had just told her family the truth.

SandyY2K · 07/11/2017 14:46

I actually think the other baby (her niece) being there would affect her, but she wouldn't dare try and tell her family not to bring her. You were just an easier target.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/11/2017 14:49

Littlejay having just skimmed the thread, you sound like a wonderful person with lots of empathy and kindness (and a cracking autocorrect). I hope you manage to enjoy the weekend, and I hope your SIL gets her happy ending too.

Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 14:52

I hope your Baby Girl can been seen in public now OP... well done Flowers

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2017 15:20

I hope your Baby Girl can been seen in public now OP...

Oh come off it. What SIL did wasn't nice but she wasn't trying to lock OP in a bloody attic - this is very overdramatic!

SocMcDuffin · 07/11/2017 15:33

You handled it with the right amount of kindness, tact and firmness. It's not fully resolved, but you'll probably have given her some food for thought.

Infertility is hard. Some of my losses were more poignant than others. Over the years I attended many family occasions where I got hints and assumptions and downright rude and hurtful stuff aimed at me. Some babies I found harder than others to be around, but I did always do my best to hide those feelings.

Some new mothers who knew of my difficulties acted like I'd want to do something to their babies - that hurt beyond belief. That they assumed I would become so unhinged that I'd actually harm a baby - what the fuck?

I do hope that your SIL's infertility resolves itself soon. She sounds like she's hurting a lot but she was wrong in this instance to exclude your baby. And maybe in a few days she'll come to realise that.

Laiste · 07/11/2017 16:53

Gemini69 - I hope your Baby Girl can been seen in public now OP... well done

Oh christ alive stop over egging the pudding.

Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 17:04

So .... the Penny has dropped people..... because that's what alot of these posts were condoning.. the Hiding of a Child....I'm glad to see you've picked up on that Flowers

BishBoshBashBop · 07/11/2017 19:02

I hope your Baby Girl can been seen in public now OP...

Nothing like going OTT is there Hmm

Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 19:29

indeed.... hahahaaaaaa Grin

hefordrivercrossing · 07/11/2017 19:30

Ps- don’t ever leave ur baby alone with her. She clearly has some sort of mental issues. I’ve read a lot of stories about some women losing it and she could hurt ur baby

This is the most disgusting and horrific thing I have ever read on mumsnet. To suggest that a woman longing to have a child of her own is likely to hurt another baby. I think if I had read this during the treadmill of infertility I would have killed myself. Seriously. It was hard enough to breathe each day and put one foot in front of the other, and had I read that others were thinking I could harm someone else's baby....I have no words.

Laiste · 07/11/2017 19:40

hefordrivercrossing Flowers

I think a lot of us thought the same as you but didn't have the words.

upindust · 12/11/2017 20:10

@Shiela2017

You are so wrong on so many levels "you have no idea how hard it is"
Ok well first let me start off by saying I had fertility troubles before having my daughter. Ok now that that's out of the way this is how you're wrong;

  1. Nieces and nephew will be there (her brother and sister's kids)
  2. One of them is a MONTH OLD. That means the baby is YOUNGER then her baby that is being excluded. Why is it ok for the 1 month old to be there but not hers?

Do you see where I'm getting at here?

This woman needs to go straight to her SIL and ask her what her deal is and don't take the whole "it's too hard" excuse. I would flat out say no that's B.S. because kids this age and this age will be there.. this is personal against me and against my daughter and I'm not having it. It is MY brother's birthday and I will be there with my daughter and if you don't like it then you can just go hide in another room. Whatever grudge you're holding it's time to grow up and let it go because me having a kid is actual the problem since you aren't excluding the other people who have had kids.