SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

Probably she doesn’t mean out shining anyway. Its probably more to do with feelings of pain she holds and trying to manage them.

But what about all the other babies that were there? Why was it not so seemingly hard for her to have them there and meet them? Surely the onus wasn't all on OP to try and make things 'easier'? From what i've read op already spoke to sil beforehand to try and 'resolve' things so that on the day it was simply about her db's birthday. Apologies if i am missing something else. I can't imagine the hell and heartbreak infirtility must cause and the fallout for all those close but i honestly don't think that op has been callous or ignorant or wilfully cruel in this situation.

Apologies for my crap spellings also.

* But what about all the other babies that were there? Why was it not so seemingly hard for her to have them there and meet them?*

Because as many, many people have suggested on the thread, she may well have been pregnant around the same time as OP and miscarried, so the baby is a very real reminder of what she lost, more so than a baby of a different age

Fair enough. I wasn't trying to be goady or deliberately obtuse. As i stated i may have missed something. Obviously if she had been pregnant then that puts a different light on the situation but again i feel that if the op didn't actually know this then how can she act accordingly? None of us are mind readers and we can only act with the information we have. I still feel the op acted in the most sensitive way she could given the information she had. Again i am in no way trying to belittle the grief anyone feels due to infertility. I hope i have not been too insensitive with my posts.

I think you did the right thing. You calmly explained your point of view then left. You were totally in the right so forget about it now and leave the ball in her court. You’re a great mummy and sister 😘

User no one actually knows if she was pregnant/miscarried etc.

You did the right thing. If you'd have gone round privately beforehand she'd have had a bigger "meltdown" and made you feel you had to pull out of your brother's party. She didn't even say you made her feel upset, she said you were stealing the limelight from her. I don't think it's particularly about the baby, it's about being horrible to you (feelings perhaps amplified by you having the baby).

It does seem like she’s out to upset you in particular, rather than just avoiding the baby.

Of course that might well be because she’s had a secret miscarriage, but still no reason to be her punching bag for the next forty years, or whenever she decides to be ok with seeing you again.

Your DH was perfectly right to set people straight when she was lying about you being too rude to visit her family, in front of you. Were you just supposed to nod and say “yep, we’re just far too rude to reply to your many invitations, nothing more to it than that”? She caused that situation herself by lying to try to make you look bad.

The ball’s back in her court, I’d go back to seeing your brother solo for the time being (and hopefully he’ll do Christmas with SIL’s family this year, so you can see your own family without any mischief from SIL).

Thanks for the update OP and well done on trying to keep it classy.

Knowing what your SIL has been going through you dh was a insensitive twat to out her for lying publically. Yes she was wrong to lie, but she had her reasons, painful for her and deserved a little bit of sympathy.

Personally I wouldn't have gone and let my dh go alone, it was obviously going to be too public and pressurised for her. It was her and her dhs party which she had organised and she deserved to enjoy it.

it is possible she finds your dd more difficult than her own family, because you have given your brother a baby which is blood related, something she cant do. Be kind, tell her family is important to you and if it would be easier for her to meet the baby in a less pressurised situation you will help as much as you can.

No we all have wings sil shouldn't have lied. Why should op and her DH have to cover up for her?
It is a sensitive subject but from what op says the family would have had an issue if she hadn't taken the baby!!!

I’ve been in her shoes, but she is being unreasonable. For totally understandable reasons, I really do get it but still it’s not okay and is horrible for you. I still remember visiting my friend who had just had her newborn baby who was due the same time as my baby would have been. I made myself go. She was so kind and said how much she appreciated me coming and knew it would be tough for me. We both cried and I told her how beautiful her lovely baby was. After that, it was so much easier to see her and the baby. It was out in the open. Maybe you could try reaching out to her? Im not sure it will help her in the long run to never be around babies.

What exactly is the sister in law going through? The OP's DH was perfectly within his rights to call the sister in law out on her lie.

Well done op. Your sil clearly has her own problems which her causing her heartbreak. Her behaviour has been spiteful and vidictive towards you and your daughter and she has tried to ostracise you from your family because she is struggling with her own problems and she is jealous of you.
I think if you had not gone she would have found a way to blame you for not turning up rather than saying because she made it difficult. Then she would have pushed you out of the picture.
Infertility does not give you the right to drive a wedge between your husband and his family.
If she has a child in the future I guess she will still be spiteful because it seems it’s her nature.
As many of the people on this thread who have also experienced heartbreaking fertility have said, her behaviour was out of order.
Good for you for sticking up for your daughter and yourself and making sure your daughter gets the right to be part of the family.
Hearing about the repeated lies she has told, you could not have done a better job in kindly but firmly dealing with her attempts to push you out of the picture.

I’ve been watching for your update and for what it is worth I think you were within your rights to go to our own DBs birthday based on the fact that you knew it wasn’t adults only and it was for your DB (as opposed to a party for SIL)
I can empathize with her feeling uncomfortable about babies based on her own fertility issues however the fact that other babies were welcome and just not yours suggests a different reason for her behaviour. It doesn’t make sense at all and if it were me i would want to know what exactly it was about me / my baby that was a particular and singular issue which didn’t apply to anyone else or their baby.

She was also trying to make your own family complicit in this which is so wrong
I also think your DH was well within his rights in his responses to her family when asked - was he expected to lie about it ? Why should he ? She’s upset because it exposed her basically

She really owes you an explanation about it and perhaps you could try and discuss without confrontation to try and sort it out. The last thing you need is your brother feeling torn between you all.

Good luck !!

Well Done Littlejayx you have found your Voice

I'm glad that people saw your SIL behave this way.. and what she has been doing

Congratulations introducing your Darling Daughter to all her extended relatives