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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
Shiela2017 · 07/11/2017 10:02

Well done, you handled it really well. Enjoy the party 🌸

midsummabreak · 07/11/2017 10:07

Its not your or your child's fault and she sh

Ellie56 · 07/11/2017 10:15

You did well there OP and what a lovely birthday surprise for your brother!

ApplesTheHare · 07/11/2017 10:32

Well done LittleJay sounds like you handled it with absolute grace and dignity. Enjoy the party with your family Glitterball

BlueButTrue · 07/11/2017 10:34

Let me share my experience - I understand where she’s coming from. When I lost my first pregnancy and we suffering with infertility, DH’s nephew was the last person I wanted to see at the time. It was horrendous. Purely because that little boy was his side of the family. It was a product of his genetics. Something I was seen to never have been able to produce.

Kids on my own side of the family? No big deal really. It’s very famine territory.

HOWEVER, although I understand why she’s being funny towards your DD and not her own family’s babies, she’s being very stupid in how she goes about all this.

On the grounds that she can’t physically face seeing your DD, she should either invite NO children or grit teeth and have your DD there.

BlueButTrue · 07/11/2017 10:41

*familiar territory

Roomster101 · 07/11/2017 10:56

Maybe the SIL own family have pressurised her into having children there. OP says that her SIL comes from a large African family with particular traditions so perhaps it is expected to invite children as well as adults to a party. She may have felt more able to cope with the children in her own family but not OP's for many reasons so she tried to limit her heartache. I do feel very sorry for her if that is the case as it sounds as if the party will be hell for her.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 07/11/2017 11:01

I totally understand it must be hard for her. What I can't u understand is why its okay and not too hard for her to e
See her own nieces anf nephews when they are just as small and yet its too hard to see her husband's niece. I think its a little bit of jealousy that she didn't have the first grandchild on his side. I think both ypu anf brother needa to speak up. Your baby cant go through life being excluded from her own family events cause of the jealous wife pretending its cause it's too hard for her!

Appuskidu · 07/11/2017 11:02

*I do feel very sorry for her if that is the case as it sounds as if the party will be hell for her.

But she didn't HAVE to have a party, did she?! It's not like the birthday boy has been hassling her for one as he doesn't even know about it! Things would have been simpler to have organised something less stressful for herself.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 07/11/2017 11:03

Actually I would juat turn up with my baby no one is going to not let me take my baby to my own brothers birthday wheb there are other children there same ages or slightly older

WitchesHatRim · 07/11/2017 11:04

I think its a little bit of jealousy that she didn't have the first grandchild on his side

After 4 years of infertility I very very very much doubt it.

@Roomster101 that had crossed my mind too.

Roomster101 · 07/11/2017 11:06

But she didn't HAVE to have a party, did she?! It's not like the birthday boy has been hassling her for one as he doesn't even know about it! Things would have been simpler to have organised something less stressful for herself.

I don't know whether she had to have a large family party. OP suggests that she is from a large African family with certain traditions so maybe it's expected.

Appuskidu · 07/11/2017 11:10

don't know whether she had to have a large family party. OP suggests that she is from a large African family with certain traditions so maybe it's expected

Point taken, but I'm presuming the DB isn't African and wasn't brought up with these expectations. I can't help but think she could have said-no, DB wouldn't want this, and arrange something else.

Anyway, it's done and dusted now. Well done, OP. I would like to know what your parents (and other sibling) made of all this though?

berliozwooler · 07/11/2017 11:10

Well done, OP. Glad you managed to sort it out and that the thread was helpful.

Struck a beaver was a great autocorrect Grin.

Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 11:14

Well done you Littlejayx

and enjoy your brothers birthday party with your DP and DD Flowers

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2017 11:27

what a lovely birthday surprise for your brother!

While I'm sure he'll be pleased to his see sister and wife getting on better, I'm not so sure that a party where his in-laws treat his nephew like the second coming is going to be great for him either. I love and enjoy seeing my nephew but what OP describes sounds like hell. I'm sure you will anyway, OP, because you sound so thoughtful and considerate, but I think it would be really kind of you to make sure you're not always right at the centre of the party so that both your brother and your SIL can avoid the baby fussing if they want. I'm not at all saying that you should avoid them, or that you shouldn't get fully involved in the party - but I suspect SIL would be really relieved if the rejoicing over the baby happened in a situation where she can quietly remove herself if necessary.

Sashkin · 07/11/2017 11:32

Depending on what part of Africa she’s from, she might have been in the receiving end of some pretty obnoxious comments from her extended family/community, especially if they don’t all know she’s having fertility problems.

I had one of my Ghanaian patients tell me with great concern that I needed to hurry up and give my husband children before he left me, and a Nigerian patient tell me in passing (not referring to me) that nobody wanted a “barren” woman. I was laughing about how rude they were to a couple of west African nurses, and they told me that those attitudes (and the blunt way of expressing them) are pretty common in their community.

Obviously Africa is a big and culturally diverse place, but if SIL was exposed to attitudes like that growing up, it might go some way to explaining why she is behaving so badly by Mumsnet standards.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2017 11:36

I'm not qualified and not comfortable commenting on it as a cultural issue, but I am happy to go out on a limb and say that a family who tell their infertile family member all about their excitement and that they want to hold a special celebration ceremony for a baby that is not even related to them is not a family who are good about supporting her infertility.

Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 11:43

we don't know the circumstances of this Lady's family ... I think it's a bit unfair to be judging the outer ring of the family without direct information from the OP.. which she has not given... and that's fair enough..

the OP came on here asking for advise and it was given... she has absolutely resolved her Baby girls exclusion from Family events and well done to her for dealing directly on the issue...

I congratulate her and her alone Flowers

SandyY2K · 07/11/2017 11:51

I don't know what part of Africa she's from.... I'm also of African origin ... but in our culture you never ever reject a baby or not see them ... It's seen as bad luck for the person who can't have a child.

I'm glad you stood your ground though.

BlueButTrue · 07/11/2017 11:56

Many Africans, from all different cultures, will indeed tell you openly that their culture is of a very ‘tell you how it is’ approach, that’s just how they are.

My MW I first saw insisted I was having a boy. I said why, the shape of my bump? She said no, your nose is fatter Blush

I didn’t take any of it to heart. I grew up with a Nigerian best friend. Her mother was the most caring and fabulous woman ever but incredibly open to you and told you all the home truths you needed.

I doubt the OP’s SIL’s family would take kindly to the no children thing, especially if they aren’t second generation African etc

mirialis · 07/11/2017 12:01

all her family have been dying to meet the baby, but she has been fobbing them off saying I'm too busy to see them (SIL is from a massive African family and would all like too have a celebration as per their customs which we would love)

Oh that poor woman - I'm sorry but 4 years of infertility and HER family have been bugging her to have a celebration for her young SIL's unplanned baby.

so I am upset that I've been made to look rude but again just lettting it go

Yes, you really do need to let that one go. She shouldn't have excluded just your baby from the party and I'm glad you spoke to her and got it resolved but you "looking rude" to HER family for not having a celebration with them for your baby should be the least of anyone's concerns.

Roomster101 · 07/11/2017 12:04

we don't know the circumstances of this Lady's family ... I think it's a bit unfair to be judging the outer ring of the family without direct information from the OP.. which she has not given... and that's fair enough..

Arguably it is just as unfair to judge the SIL without direct information from her or even OP about her family too...

SandyY2K · 07/11/2017 12:05

I doubt the OP’s SIL’s family would take kindly to the no children thing, especially if they aren’t second generation African etc

I agree. A child is to be celebrated ... not shoved away and hidden like a dirty secret.

OP... are you Caucasian?

I know what you mean about saying it as it is ... but it's tactless.

Original poster
Littlejayx · 07/11/2017 12:43

Hi All,

This whole post is turning to be very outting, but yes my family and I are Scottish and SIL is from Ghana.

The situation is hopefully all resolved so it will be all good ☺️

My grandma used to say that you can't control people's actions, just your reaction and I hope I have had a fair reaction.

(She also said kitchen pockets wear bigger knickers , which is sadly true in my case' Cake

OP posts: