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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

314 replies

StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/11/2017 12:39

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 06/11/2017 16:22

Twenty or thirty years ago a week in Spain or Paris was probably seen as about as exotic as a trio to Maldives would be perceived as today. My mum (shop assistant) and dad (bank cashier) went to Gran Canaria in 1985 after their reception (at the Chimney Corner hahaha!) and that was seen as very posh. Mum’s parents also paid for the reception, but you wouldn’t get that so much now. Swings and roundabouts.

TheCatsMother99 · 06/11/2017 16:25

I have no problem giving cash for a honeymoon but I hate it when the request is 'hidden' in a poem format. I just think if you want cash then come out and say it, don't sugar coat it.

TammyswansonTwo · 06/11/2017 16:27

Isnit any cheesier than expecting your wedding guests to kit out your house? Most people are cohabiting these days, and paying for their own weddings so can't afford a wedding and a honeymoon - does it really matter if your money goes towards a hotel or buys a set of shitty crystal wine glasses they'll never use?

YABU

TammyswansonTwo · 06/11/2017 16:28

We had a honeymoon gift list for our wedding - so people could pay for specific things. I found it a bit more comfortable than just asking for cash. Some people bought us gifts anyway and we appreciated those too.

Ifearthecold · 06/11/2017 16:54

Bad poems are just bad and shouldn't be encouraged anywhere!

Asking for a donation to travel isn't a kick in the teeth but supporting the couple to do something memorable. It is also a blanket assumption that older people never travel, my MIL may not have had an exotic honeymoon but she goes on cruises regularly and this seems pretty common with her friends too.

I got married before this trend and had vouchers from most people. I also had a random assortment of gifts mostly from people who wanted the gift giving to be about them rather than my wishes, but they were just the usual suspects in my family!

treaclesoda · 06/11/2017 17:00

My DP's sister got married last week...they've spent the gift money on a week in the Lochs. Is that more acceptable to you?

Any honeymoon is acceptable to me, as long as I am not asked to pay for it.

TemptressofWaikiki · 06/11/2017 17:00

When it comes to wedding invites, I approach each one based on how close I really feel to the couple and individual circumstances. Personally, I don’t usually get offended if I am only invited to an evening-only part of a wedding. It’s a huge expenditure to host a meal etc and appreciate that sometimes numbers have to be kept low to just include immediate family and closest friends. However, I would not expect to be laying out a costly present or cash for an evening invite only, especially if it cost me in fuel, accommodation etc. Second tier guest to me means second tier value present or none at all under certain circumstances. The last few wedding invites I got, were from couples who high-jacked a general event, musical all-dayer and/or festival. One of them was a very young couple on a tight budget, which I completely understood. But the others were reasonably well off. They literally nabbed and took over a rather big area as their wedding reception with drinks bought at the open bar. They paid only for their own admission, nothing for bands or other entertainment, food or drink. Yet, these cheeky feckers expected in particular cash gifts for their costly once in a life-time trip. A lot of people were attending the events anyway and felt pressured to sub these CFs. DH and I said hi and congratulated and then continued to enjoy the main event. Generally, I’m more likely to be irritated with people I don’t like very much anyway, so am totally biased. Grin

SmashyCup · 06/11/2017 17:18

I have no idea how anybody can get worked up about this. People usually live together for years before getting married so don’t need homeware etc. I love the idea of contributing to a couple’s honeymoon that they will remember forever. Cash is the norm as a wedding gift in many cultures anyway, only in the UK do people seem to have an issue with it.

Usually when we go to a wedding we stick £100 in a card. I wouldn’t dream of turning up empty handed or buying some random gift that the couple probably don’t need or want. If you don’t want to go or to give them a gift then just decline the invitation.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 06/11/2017 17:22

That would piss me off too.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/11/2017 17:33

(Champagne flutes / saucepans) may not be nearly as expensive as what people think is acceptable for a cash gift

I suspect, expat, that you're closer to the truth there than some who wish to maximise their haul would like to admit

And that did say some not all ...

BeALert · 06/11/2017 17:49

I think what this thread proves is you should just do whatever you want! Someone will be pissed off whatever you do!

Best comment so far.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 06/11/2017 17:51

Any honeymoon is acceptable to me, as long as I am not asked to pay for it.

Exactly, down to the couple to choose the destination and to pay for it.

Asking for cash either by the no boxed gifts rule, a poem or just blatant request is tacky and greedy. Yes guests will likely want to bring a gift but most in real life don't want to fund the honeymoon or wedding party. It's like paying entry to the event.

blackteasplease · 06/11/2017 18:07

I'm always quite happy to just give cash as it saves choosing a gift Blush

I'm sure anyone decent is quite happy if you either don't give cash should you not want to or just give whatever amount you can afford. If it were me and I had a home set up already etc I'd be very grateful for £20 in a card. I'd also be totally fine with no gift as I had invited the person because I wanted to see them not to get handouts!

expatinscotland · 06/11/2017 18:35

'If it were me and I had a home set up already etc I'd be very grateful for £20 in a card. '

But see, therein lies the problem. A LOT of people have this 'cover your plate' mentality and tell people they're supposed to pay for the cost of their meal and drinks (no idea how that works with evening do with no meal and pay for your own drinks). Umpteen posts with 'Oh, that's tight,' and still others from posters who've paid hundreds or more to attend/be in the wedding party and don't have any money left for the cash gift. A lot of people who aren't so comfortable financially feel pressure to give more than they can actually afford (again, have no idea how people in Ireland afford to go to weddings if they are expected to pay 100-200 euros every time). Or they decline because they cannot afford a big cash gift on top of everything else.

iBiscuit · 07/11/2017 07:49

"Cover your plate" comes from guests, not brides and grooms, and I've only heard of it in relation to Irish weddings where money is expected as a gift anyway.

I've also never been to an evening do with no food, and at most of them there's been a welcome drink. True, it's cost the bride and groom less than the £50+ per head the day guests will probably have cost, but as I won't be as close to them as their day guests (because I can't be in the inner circle of everyone I know!), they'd be very surprised if I shelled out £100 or even £50 for a gift.

Nobody has answered my question about our register office only accommodating 40 people yet, btw. I suspect it's because there is no answer other than find another £5k for a bigger venue and to feed more people all day, or just not invite any friends. Neither seem preferable to having a "two tier" day.

expatinscotland · 07/11/2017 08:08

'"Cover your plate" comes from guests, not brides and grooms, and I've only heard of it in relation to Irish weddings where money is expected as a gift anyway.'

Not at all. It's all over wedding forums. Of course, there was the famous wedding in Canada that went viral for all the wrong reasons when a bride took a guest to task for giving the couple a hamper rather than an envelope to cover their plate. There have also been a number of threads on here from wedding guests who were expected to do this and more (including subsidise the wedding by paying over the odds for rooms).

'Nobody has answered my question about our register office only accommodating 40 people yet, btw. I suspect it's because there is no answer other than find another £5k for a bigger venue and to feed more people all day, or just not invite any friends. Neither seem preferable to having a "two tier" day.'

Schedule the ceremony for 4pm or so with the 40 or so people. Then put on one reception for everyone. A wedding doesn't have to be all day.

Mayah · 07/11/2017 08:11

On my wedding invite I just noted No box gifts, as I was moving in to DH place and pretty much had everything we needed. We actually got around £6000 which I definitely wasn't expecting!! I just didn't want the pointless clutter.

What is the difference between buying a gift for £X or just putting it in a card. End of the day the guest is parting with £X

kaytee87 · 07/11/2017 08:18

Asking for any gift is rude to be honest. Hate gift lists and poems sent out with any invitation. If someone asks what you want it might then be ok to tell them but to send anything out with the invitation is rude.

Ibbleobbleblackbobble · 07/11/2017 13:55

we are getting married next year and will be asking for department store vouchers rather than presents. We have been together long enough so don't 'need' anything.
Sorry not asking for, I mean if you would like to give then please make it a voucher not a thing!!! - without making up / googling a cheesy poem!!

Chrys2017 · 07/11/2017 14:07

It's very easy to return unwanted gifts (champagne glasses etc) without a receipt. You'll only be given a store voucher rather than cash but at least you can then use it for something you need (or re-gift it!).

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 07/11/2017 17:36

I personally think asking for money is very rude. Yes, you have most stuff you need but it's still not acceptable.
Just say no presents - shouldn't be an expectation of gift anyway.

Personally I'd buy them something like afternoon tea, trampoline park voucher etc...something to do.

I don't do money for gifts - it's thoughtless

BarbaraofSevillle · 07/11/2017 17:44

Is that more or less thoughtless than buying them something you know they don't want or need, just to prove a point?

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 07/11/2017 17:44

I wouldn't find it a problem tbh.

After clearing out my house time and time again of pointless tat, emptying cupboards and loft space of 'thoughtful gifts'. It's took me years of 'suchandsuch bought that as a gift, we CAN'T get rid of it'. I'd much rather give a gift that is wanted and would be appreciated in the long term.

Even for christmas now, we both write each other a list of things we'd really really like or need. Then when our parents/siblings/grandparents ask what we like, we're able to say 'well x has asked for xx, yyy and zzz, if you'd like to get any of those, please let me know and I'll cross it off the list'. It means we get things we'd really like and it's still a 'surprise' as we never know what's been bought off our respective lists.

Afternooncatnap · 07/11/2017 17:53

We felt it was a but cheeky asking for gifts or money. I'm not saying it is. I just feel awkward asking people to give me stuff. It was enough for them to come in my eyes.

People did still give gifts and money which we were very grateful for, and we did pay for the honeymoon and some out of the money.

I personally don't mind being asked for money or gifts but if I had to travel abroad I wouldn't give anything.