AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

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I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

I just don’t understand the angst in the UK towards cash presents for weddings.

I’ve lived in France for 15 years and it’s an absolute given here that for all weddings and birthdays you just give a cheque.
There is no hassle, no fuss, you just give what you can afford.

There is an envelope box decorated at the reception for everyone to pop their gifts in, normally decorated in the theme of whatever the cash will be used for, Holiday etc.

No unwanted gifts, no gift lists, Boab’s yer uncle. It’s so easy here!

yanbu I hate that kind of thing too, very impersonal. No children is just tragic imo.

Why is no children at a wedding 'just tragic'?!

I think its really tacky to ask for money and the poems are beyond hideous.

No children isn't 'tragic'... I had children at both my weddings but have no issue with those that don't. I'd be quite happy to drop dc off a dms and have a day/night out with an excuse to dress up!

My DH insisted on this rather than a gift list but we said the usual ‘we want your presence not your presents’ but there was a note on the website (I know but it was a useful place to put all the information about timings/accommodation etc!) about honeymoon contributions. I hated it but we had enough stuff and I would never go to a wedding empty handed so I knew people would want to give something.

We had an open bar from 2pm til the last stragglers at 4am so I did feel at least there was that!

We asked for money towards our honeymoon as we didn't need anything else. There was no expectation that people would give at all, I don't see how it is any different from a list of random items and you picking one of those or choosing a bottle of champagne instead? Some people did give a small gift instead and that was appreciated just as much.

Definitely two different issues there- 1. No kids, 2. Money gifts.

I don't have much of an issue with either. They're entitled to want a grown up wedding day, and lots of people (like me!) like going to a wedding without my own dc as I can then have a decent time and be an adult instead of a mum.

2 - I don't really get the issue here either. The convention for weddings is that the guests give a gift to the bride and groom to signify their good wishes for the future life together. It used to be the done thing to give household goods as the couple would be setting up home for the first time and wouldn't be able to afford everything they might want/ need. Now most couples getting married are already living together and so these gifts are redundant. But they might not be able to afford the honeymoon of their choosing on their own, they've got 50+ people who want to give them a present, why not give them money?

A couple of our guests gave us physical presents instead, and they were lovely and very much appreciated at the time, but a couple of years down the line we are considering selling them on eBay- they are quite large and not used on a regular basis at all and now that we are thinking of baby #2 we are going to run out of space. Whereas our honeymoon was amazing, and very fondly remembered.

Are you just invited to the evening part? If so, then I think it's a bit off to be mentioning presents. For full day guests, I know more and more people are asking for money rather than presents. I don't really like it but accept that some people prefer to do that. So I guess asking for money towards the honeymoon isn't really that different. But I certainly wouldn't mention presents or cash gifts to anyone who was invited as an evening guest.

I’d just give the amount that I would have spent on a present. No skin of my nose.

Helping out with the honeymoon sounds alarmingly practical, and not like a request for money at all to me :o Although obviously that is what they mean...

We got asked to transfer money in advance recently - for some reason that bit really grated and I put a generous amount of cash (enough that it made a hole in my monthly budget and would pay for a couple of very good, or multiple more ordinary, restaurant meals with wine for the couple on honeymoon) in the currency of the honeymoon destination in a card. The couple were planning an extended period of independent travel for their honeymoon, not an all inclusive, so definitely will have been spending daily in local currency.

We were told by a relative that it was inconvenient that we'd given cash because the couple were relying on the wedding gift money to cover their direct debits the month of the wedding, as they'd spent a lot in advance and the mother of the bride had had to exchange our cash and pay it into their account for them

That left a bad taste. they asked for money for the honeymoon and we gave them money to spend on the honeymoon, but apparently really they wanted money to pay their rent or sky package or whatever.

I think asking for money instead of presents is fine, but not by bank transfer up front before the wedding!

YNBU. I went to church mabh years ago. Where a couple who got married asked for this.

I was a newly single parent on benefits at the time and there was no way I could have contributed. I was barely managing to keep my head above the water as it was without paying for someone else's holiday. (which in my opinion is essentially what it is).

*many years ago sorry.

I don't see the angst with money either. And if they don't mention it you just have to ask, then they say so I don't even mind it being known from the start. I'd rather give them money in a card than the 6th bottle of champagne just out of some weird principle.

No kids is absolutely fine as long as they don't get shitty with people who can't go because of childcare. Totally their choice.

We had a poem requesting cash if they insisted on getting anything. We've lived together so have everything we need at home and I hate useless tat.

Thankfully most took notice. Those that didn't, the mugs/glasses were taken to the charity shop and champagne given away, so they literally just wasted their money.

Maybe that makes me seem ungrateful, but to be honest I don't care, I can't stand tacky presents and we don't drink champagne.

But jonsnowswife, surely that situation would have been no different with a gift list?

We did something similar - didn't really mention it in invitations but told parents to suggest it if they were asked.

We asked for "experiences" - back story is that H had had cancer 3 years before and everyone knew that - and as a consequence, weren't interested in "things" - what meant the most was having experiences (and cheesy as it sounds, making memories).

So guests contributed ( via Trailfinders) to things like a meal, a wine tasting tour, a horse riding session etc etc. It was well received by our guests.

I don't have a problem with gifting cash, nor the couple having a preference for cash gifts.

I do have a problem with gift requests of any kind with an invitation.

And the poems are truly dreadful. I never understand the logic fail: oh we feel bad asking for cash so let's dress it up. No, lets go back and examine why you feel bad asking for cash. Is it because you know it's a rude thing to do.

We made no mention of gifts in our invitations. We received a small handful of really lovely personal gifts (think handmade clay dishes with names and dates scratched in, not bloody toasters). But the majority was cash. Wedding guests aren't thick.

I love giving money, if that's what they want.

I'm going to their wedding because I care about them and want the best for them.

No point giving them something they hate and will just be stuck away in a cupboard.

We’re planning to put a note in our invites to say ‘you coming along is all the gift we need but if you really do wish to give then contributions to the honeymoon would be wonderful’. Tbh we have everything we need so if we got no gifts at all we wouldn’t care. I’d just be happy that people came and celebrated with us.

Also, we’re not having a separate evening do, I couldn’t summon up the cheek to tell anyone they weren’t important enough to invite all day, so we’re just having the same guests throughout. Not sure if it’s just me but I find evening only invites just a bit rude tbh.

Poems in wedding invites are tacky and just awful.

Best tip just buy a nice sheeting of wedding paper, tag up, scrumple up and leave discretely by gifts. I've always has a note saying "thanks for your lovely gift"!

Oh dear weirdly I just suggested this to another poster - not the dreadful poem or no kids though!!

My instinct is to dislike lists or vouchers and I think I'd say the same as you, OP, esp if the wedding is somewhere expensive. I have a big birthday in a week or so, and everyone keeps asking what i want; i have no idea what to say.

However I've learned from listening others that most people want to buy something and if you don't tell them what you want, you could end up with ten toasters and twenty champagne flutes!

My friend asked for trailfinders vouchers and having seen the pics of their honeymoons and how happy it made them, it did make me glad I had contributed. But they didn't do a dreadful twee poem that would have made me come over all stabby!

i have no idea what to say
My standard reply these days (and it may depend on your peer age group as to how useful it is) is: Honestly, I don't want a gift, I'd rather you spent money on your children.

You could substitute children for charity.

I can't remember the last wedding that I went to where the B&G had not already set up home so the gifts were either a contribution to some home accessories they collected or cash, which inevitably goes towards paying for the wedding or honeymoon even if indirectly.

Three of the cash ones have had a box where money envelopes can be posted so there is not the dilemma of how much to put in the card if you don't want to announce your contribution.

One wedding had an accompanying poem and was explicit that it was for their honeymoon. They had their own budget but topped it up with donations and booked a £6K holiday. I don't have a problem with contributing to this.

We didn't have a poem and people asked what we wanted. We asked for money but did say we didn't expect anything.

We ended up with $1200 for our honeymoon which we used towards our spending money and £850 that we got some new bits for the house. We also had people that got us presents which left us with 8 sets of Mr and Mrs champagne glasses, 8 sets of Mr and Mrs Mugs, 4 lots of saucepan sets, 26 bottles of champagne and one large wooden cockerel!

We always put £100 in cards unless there is a present list. Many people who are getting married already live together so don't need things for the home.

I can't get offended by someone requesting something they want. I'd rather give something that is wanted and will be useful. Everyone knew our honeymoon was in the States so they gave us dollars rather than Stirling.

We then got rid of 7 sets of glasses and cups and 3 sets of saucepans which no doubt will also come across as ungrateful!