AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

Totally agree, Hula although I think "no children" is generally about the vibe of the day, rather than saving money.

We tried not mentioning anything in our invites and some relatives called incensed we'd not had the decency to let them know what to get 😀 (Light hearted!) in the end we got a variety of gifts, mostly decorative so nothing we couldn't use, plus cash, and we were really grateful

People prefer to have an idea, and I'd rather give money knowing it's being used and appreciated than something they already have/would never use as it doesn't match anything else, so I don't think it's grabby to mention it as a preference. It's not relevant really how much the couple spend on guests as budgets are different, but we probably paid more per head for the food and drink than the cost of the presents per guest (we had small numbers). I know there are other costs like hotel, travel, maybe babysitter but otherwise it is a "free" day out. We couldn't afford to have loads of children as catering cost was same per head

There are some lovely sites which help you to do this (i.e. ask for money towards a honeymoon or another big value item) much more tastefully than one of those slightly naff poems! I'm sure I'm not allowed to say which sites on here but there is a very cool one which definitely takes away the embarrassment and awkwardness of asking for money. I think it's nice to get the couple what they really want.

YABU - i think its better to give them what they want rather then what they dont want. Have fun at the wedding!

We can all have our opinions but for goodness sake let’s not be rude and condescending about non English cultural practices around weddings. No boxed gifts is traditionally used on South Asian wedding invites where this is very much the norm. It’s also traditional in many cultures for wedding guests to give money. You might think it’s grubby or rude just because it’s not English tradition(whatever that is these days) but that’s not a reason to insult other cultures. I don’t know, I just find this whole discussion really offensive. I have friends from a variety of backgrounds and I wouldn’t dream of slagging off their wedding invites behind their backs! Horrid, horrid thing to do.

There are some lovely sites which help you to do this (i.e. ask for money towards a honeymoon or another big value item) much more tastefully than one of those slightly naff poems! I'm sure I'm not allowed to say which sites on here but there is a very cool one which definitely takes away the embarrassment and awkwardness of asking for money. I think it's nice to get the couple what they really want.

I highly doubt it, whether it be on an invite, website or poem it's still grabby and rude to ask for cash.

derenstar - I wasn't aware that anyone on here was being rude about other cultural traditions and I have read most of the replies - there could be a few I have missed though. Here, we are talking about English weddings and as such, tradition was that people bought gifts. Because everyone lives together now first and they have a house set up, this tradition is pretty much finished. However, to ASK for money is very different from someone GIVING money of their own volition. This is what I am talking about. In my previous post about the 2 weddings I attended a few years ago, I gave the one who did NOT ask for anything a voucher for a well know shop; the other one who DID ask for money got nothing, and I feel no embarrassment. I was never asked why I did not give a gift and if I was, I would tell them truthfully I did not appreciate being asked for money when they were already much more wealthy than me anyway. ( and I mean MUCH!) If nothing had been said in the second wedding I would have gladly given a gift voucher, but since I think it is the epitome of rudeness, I made a decision that they would not get anything.

@priscillap if I had been the bride or groom at that wedding I think I'd much rather you'd simply declined to attend.

priscillap Why would you even go to the wedding of someone you so clearly dislike? Just to be spiteful?

There's nothing wrong with asking for money, either in a poem or outright. Its not a demand, you know.

If you're going to a wedding you must like the couple, so surely you want to make them happy and give them what they want (from a gift list, or money for house/honeymoon etc.) rather than rudely going off piste and getting them something you think they should like or want?

(Or even more rudely, not get them anything as a way of "teaching them a lesson", like priscillap does ).

whattodo You quite wrongly assume I do not like the couple. In fact I really do like them - I just disagree with them on this one point. Can you honestly say you have NEVER disagreed with a friend or family member about an event? I was not teaching them a lesson - I would not presume. However, the invitation is just that as you rightly point out - I can choose to go. The poem is also a REQUEST not to buy a gift, but if we would like to contribute ... etc. I simply chose not to.

priscillap If you simply disagreed with them but still liked them you wouldn't be spiteful as to not get them anything, nor gleefully point it out.

You can dress it up however you want but you were using this as a way of demonstrating your annoyance at the B & G's request. So you did presume. Even though the couple will probably never know that's why you didn't give a gift and no normal person asks! Not bothered about it enough to miss out on the free party though.

Don't go, or go with good grace and give the couple what they asked for (or whatever you can sensibly afford) even if you think it's a bit off that they asked.

We did it, we didn't do a poem though, just a note saying if you would like to get us a gift please see honeymoon gift list which was made up of things we'd like to do, such as a boat trip/cocktails/dinner/massage etc etc
Some did it, some did nothing, some gifted wine or money. We honestly didn't mind what people did and very grateful for an gifts we got.

I don't know if this is just not done in the UK - what do you normally give people as a wedding gift? But in Ireland it's been money that you give for years - Any wedding I have ever went to every single person gives a card with cash in it! €50 (€100 per couple) is the usual amount - for a really close friend or something we have given as much as 300£ (at my friends wedding recently my partner and I paid for their DJ and sound hire - it cost us about 320£. For our Wedding early next year those same friends are paying for our Photographer and the Photographs (which will cost them quite a bit) I think it's great to not have to worry about what to get people, cash is so easy! Plus it's great to get something you want! We are getting married in Ireland next year and we haven't felt the need to write a poem or even ask anywhere on the invite for money - We assume that everyone knows that is what we want - already a lot of people have asked us what we want and we have said if they want to get us something we would appreciate cash ! We have lived together for years and have all our own furniture and everything we need already - we do not need any more stuff!
What we do need is money - we are saving towards a future together, we still rent and money to put towards a deposit would be so much more helpful and appreciated!
I'm kind of sick of hearing about guests being so offended by others wedding plans - remember that you do not have to go if you don't want to and to be honest why do you not want to give the happy couple a present? Didn't you not get presents /money from guests who attended yours??

Weddings are expensive - we have invited only a tiny group off 20 to the daytime/meal and are throwing a big party in the evening for everyone else (120 people) don't feel like your not important enough to not be invited to the whole day - that's not what it is, I bet it's more that they don't have the money to feed 150 people!

Plus the evening part is usually the best part anyway! :)