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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

314 replies

StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/11/2017 12:39

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 08/11/2017 16:00

We said "no gifts" but people will not turn up empty handed- loads gave money or vouchers and some gave gift.

Personally I'd much rather give what the bride and groom actually want as I cannot imagine a scenario where I would go to a wedding and not even take a £20 gift so directing me towards a honeymoon fund is brilliant!

Esspee · 08/11/2017 16:55

YANBU. Poems are excruciatingly cringey, two tier invitations definitely not acceptable and asking for contributions towards the honeymoon tacky in the extreme.
I wouldn't go.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 08/11/2017 17:45

Poems are excruciatingly cringey, two tier invitations definitely not acceptable and asking for contributions towards the honeymoon tacky in the extreme

Add no boxed gifts to that list. I'd take the item out if the box just for the cringe worthy request alone.

iBiscuit · 08/11/2017 18:09

Why aren't two tier weddings acceptable, Espee?

Scholes34 · 08/11/2017 19:06

Seriously, who buys a toaster for a wedding present these days?

expatinscotland · 08/11/2017 19:15

'Add no boxed gifts to that list. I'd take the item out if the box just for the cringe worthy request alone.'

My MIL did this as she genuinely didn't get it. Several other guests did the same.

'Seriously, who buys a toaster for a wedding present these days?'

Probably no one. It's just an excuse for people to tout for money - oh, guests will just get me something I don't want, wwwaaa!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/11/2017 20:36

'Seriously, who buys a toaster for a wedding present these days?'

Probably no one. It's just an excuse for people to tout for money

Well said, expat

Aderyn17 · 08/11/2017 21:02

To state 'no boxed gifts' is breathtakingly rude.

Adnerb95 · 08/11/2017 21:57

I can only assume from some of the responses here that a number of you regularly receive wedding invitations from people you dislike.

iBiscuit · 08/11/2017 22:13

Indeed, Adner

I think I prefer the "height of bad manners" that is expressing a preference should your guests want to give you wedding presents to the cynicism and distrust that has some assuming that everyone else is on the take.

It's a much happier state of mind to open an invitation and think "yay, a wedding! I hope we can go!" than to assume you're being fleeced or that you're somehow making up the numbers because it's family and closest friends only to the whole thing and you're "only" invited to the fun bit.

Sparklyhousedust · 08/11/2017 22:18

Being very thick but what actually does ‘no boxed gifts’ mean?

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/11/2017 22:26

Surely a suggestion of donation towards the honeymoon (provided it is worded as just that: a suggestion rather than a requirement) is a practical solution when a gift list isn't suitable. Hubby and I couldn't possibly have come up with 100-odd items we wanted/needed so we would have ended up padding out the list with pointless items. Would people really rather spend their money on unwanted tat out of principle than something that would be genuinely useful to the recipients? I think some people are forgetting that the gift is for the bride and groom, not to make the giver feel better...

We said we didn't want anything, but if anyone wanted to give, a contribution towards our house fund (we were renovating at the time) would be welcome. Personally I would hate to go to a wedding with no mention of gifts because I wouldn't know what to buy, so we felt it important to include a mention. Some people gave us cash, some vouchers, some champagne, some small items such as picture frames or trinkets. All completely fine. But if that makes us 'grabby' then... shrug

expatinscotland · 08/11/2017 22:29

'Being very thick but what actually does ‘no boxed gifts’ mean?'

It's actually used on invitations to Eastern Asian weddings, but people have poached it because they think it's a clever way of saying they only want money as a gift.

'Personally I would hate to go to a wedding with no mention of gifts because I wouldn't know what to buy, so we felt it important to include a mention.'

Wouldn't you engage your brain and think, 'Well, they've been living together a while, I'll just put a cheque in a card?'

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/11/2017 22:36

Wouldn't you engage your brain and think, 'Well, they've been living together a while, I'll just put a cheque in a card?'

Bit of a patronising response, thanks, but yes, I would. However, it would still be nice to be given a steer in case there is anything in particular they do want - some people might not want cash in the same way some might not want a 'boxed gift.' Given that sometimes you don't know the bride and groom all that well, a rough idea would be welcome by many, I imagine! Certainly by me, anyway.

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/11/2017 22:38

PS if you know where the honeymoon is, I often opt for buying currency and putting a note in to say 'this is to buy yourselves a nice dinner out' or whatever. A nice spin on just cold, hard cash! Smile

Scholes34 · 08/11/2017 22:45

So much scope with a toaster though. Two slices, four slices, bagel warmer, bagel toasting option (toasting one side only), toastie maker, pannini press, George Forman grill, raclette (for toasting, okay melting, cheese).

One toaster simply isn't enough.

expatinscotland · 08/11/2017 22:55

' Two slices, four slices, bagel warmer, bagel toasting option (toasting one side only), toastie maker, pannini press, George Forman grill, raclette (for toasting, okay melting, cheese).

One toaster simply isn't enough.'

It'd love the one that fries an egg on the side.

expatinscotland · 08/11/2017 22:58

Although, I have to admit being a bit in awe of another poster on the CF wedding thread. She says she now brings her chequebook with her and if they show up and there's no food and buy your own drinks, she just hands over a card (the OP on that thread had been sent an invitation to a wedding reception for a wedding that actually took place abroad, so they went, handed over 50 quid and the entire thing was a meet up in a pub, no function room, no food, no cake, no money behind the bar).

AmyandReuben · 09/11/2017 02:14

I think it's a bit rude to even mention presents. And poems are naff.

funkky · 09/11/2017 17:53

I tend to give money to a couple getting married as I never know what to get people but strangely I would feel uncomfortable if the incite asked for money.....

funkky · 09/11/2017 17:53

If the invite

therealreginaphalange · 09/11/2017 18:01

Why is is any ruder asking for money than asking for specific gifts?

We didn't need anything but couldn't afford a honeymoon (and got married for less than £5k in a pub before anyone comments on what we blew our money on) so said please no gifts but if you want to, a donation towards our honeymoon would be much appreciated. We had a mixture of money, cheques and foreign currency then a few 'real' gifts from people which were lovely because they were thoughtful. We'd have been happy with no gifts but if we'd said nothing we'd have ended up with glasses/toasters/champagne etc which would have been a waste of the givers' money. I personally find gift lists distasteful but I know that's the done thing, it doesn't mean I spitefully get the couple something they haven't specifically asked for. And if there's no list it's just money or maybe vouchers. I don't see why people take such offense, it seems couples getting married are stuck between a rock and a hard place really. Damned if you make a specific request and damned if you don't!

Incidentally that honeymoon was our one and only holiday in 9 years so was a very precious 'gift' to us, it's not like we were taking the piss.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/11/2017 19:25

@aderyn17 I completely agree. It's like people get the invitation and then actively look for something to be annoyed about.

The wedding is too expensive, not expensive enough, in the wrong location, indication of a gift preference is grabby, not saying anything is irritating, evening guests are a no no etc etc etc. I suggest just declining all wedding invitations on principle, I'm confident if the B&G knew your thoughts they wouldn't want you there!

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/11/2017 19:26

Sorry at @adnerb95

Hulababy · 09/11/2017 19:37

Poem - overdone and naff

Asking for cash/vouchers/anything really in an invitation - pretty rude really. Wait until someone has accepted their invitation and wait for them to ASK you if there is something you'd like. Let close family such as parents know, and then they can also let other family and friends who ask for ideas. Putting a request or list in an invitation is presumptious.

Not inviting children - your choice but anyone making that choice should gracefully accept some people may not be able/want to come and decline their invitation and NEVER make it all about wanting parents to be able to relax. Thats never really the reason! Its to save money and everyone of your guests will know it, so not patronise them.