AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

I don't understand any of it. I get annoyed at wedding lists too but cash for honeymoon takes the biscuit. What happened to your nearest and dearest buying you a thoutful gift of their own choosing - something they think you will like, being your close pal? Something you can then look at and think, 'oh yes, Joan bought us that, it reminds me of our special day and great pal Joan's kind thought'

I don't mind what is classed here as 'two tier weddings', they are absolutely the norm to me, always have been. I've always had evening only invitations to cousins weddings, or colleagues weddings. All day invitations are just for close relatives and close friends. It's not even a big deal if you go or not, no one really minds.

And I don't even object to giving someone cash as a present, I just think it's rude to ask for it or expect it. If you have everything you need for your home, why would you expect presents at all?

I've also never been to a wedding that children were invited to, unless they were very very close relatives. And I had no idea people expected children to come to weddings until I started spending too much time on mumsnet

I feel children/no children means you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Some people will be annoyed if you say no children because they will have to arrange childcare. Some people will be annoyed if you invite the kids because it's a long, boring day with meals served at odd times and they have to wear clothes they're not used to. We've invited kids, it's up to the parents whether they want to bring them or no.

I don't see the issue.

In the old days you were pretty much asking people to furnish your home. These days most couples getting married have that all sorted, and don't want or need vases or photo frames or toasters. And most younger people are a bit more minimalistic about what they want in their home. My grandmother had display cabinets and cupboards filled with wedding presents she never actually used. Not many people these days want china and gravy boats they have no use for taking up space.

IME many people do say no presents, but most people will still show up with presents no matter how firmly it's stated. Even if you say to donate to charity, you'll get people who find that every bit as presumptuous as asking for cash or having a registry. Whatever you do you can't win really, so if all you actually want is a holiday, why not ask for that instead of getting a bunch of things you very much don't want.

People should pay for their own bl**dy honeymoon!!! We did!!!

If people ask for those. Especially when they want you to contribute3-6 months before the wedding,then I don’t!!!
I usually put money in a card. Sometimes foreign currency if the destination.
If they don’t open the card before they go it’s their bad luck!!! But usually a cheque. .... though cheques bank before a honeymoon (immediately after the wedding!) p*sses me off - all too grabby!!
I don’t bank cheques (same applies for children’s birthday presents) until thank you shave been sent!!

We only had full day guest, I dont see the point of inviting people only for the evening. We paid for our own honeymoon however we did ask guest to purchase a honeymoon experience for us if they wished. So people could purchase us a wine tasting or a bike tour etc. I dont see the point in buying people stuff they don't need but I also wouldnt be offended if people did bring a gift.

I don’t really mind. It’s traditional to give a gift at a wedding, and I’d rather give something that the couple wants, so if it’s cash for the honeymoon, or a gift from a list (I think I’m in the minority, I love a wedding registry! Let me know what you want rather than me trying to guess) I’m happy. I don’t find it grabby, a gift is customary and I’m not going to spend money I can’t afford, and I’d rather my money goes on something that’s wanted or would be used. Like another poster mentioned, gifts used to be household goods and I don’t see it anymore nor less grabby to ask for a honeymoon contribution than to kit out the house.

I like the idea ... each to their own! If you were really thinking about saying no presents instead maybe say ... if you really must gift something a donation to our fav charity would be amazing x

I don't get the issue. People have wedding lists where they specifically ask for things, how is this any different? I'd much rather get something that someone else wants PLUS it saves me thinking which is always welcome!!!

Both my husband and I paid for our honeymoon but we didn't explicitly ask for cash at our wedding, we just stated that having some extra spends would be nice but that the guest's presence was a lot more important. I don't necessarily think that it's cheeky for people to do this as it's nice to have some extra spending pennies when you're away on your honeymoon. A lot of people ask for money to do something too, such as buy furniture for their new home etc.

It's all about personal preference really, I wouldn't say to get too hung up on it though, people will bring gifts and give money even if you tell them not too because that's just some peoples nature. It's your big day after all, you deserve some presents xx

Both my husband and I paid for our honeymoon but we didn't explicitly ask for cash at our wedding, we just stated that having some extra spends would be nice but that the guest's presence was a lot more important.

Whatever your interpretation may be, that is explicitly asking for cash.

I don’t understand the need to even mention gifts tbh. If you have a traditional registry then include it in the invite, if not the majority of people now will give money. We didn’t say anything and received a mixture of lovely personal gifts and cash which was put towards special dinners/experiences on our honeymoon. It’s really crass to specify that you what cash, even if it is to put towards your honeymoon

I went to a wedding last year where they asked for contributions towards the honeymoon.

The Monday after the wedding they were posting pictures on Facebook of their new, very expensive buggy that they had purchased

I don’t bank cheques ... until thank yous have been sent!!

That's actually a really good idea

Doubt it would find favour with many modern B&Gs though ...

The problem with holding on to cheques though is the person who sent them has to remember to keep money in their account until it's banked. It's irritating. When I pay for something with a cheque, I prefer the money to be taken out of my account as soon as possible.

Cheques should be cashed ASAP. It's an absolute ballache when people hang on to them.

Not banking cheques until thank yous have been sent is a thoughtless, inconsiderate, self obsessed and bloody awful idea. Excellent way to send somebody whose sent you a generous amount of money into their overdraft if you don't bank the check for ages and they forget to keep that money constantly available until you can be arsed to!

I couldn't care less about being sent a thank you letter - that's just you having another chance to send me a photo of yourself and remind me you had a wedding (well done, yes don't you look pretty). I do care about not having to constantly remember that that money that appears to be sitting in my bank account isn't actually available for anything else, for months on end.

If this couple has been living together they may want to replace some items but no - money for a honeymoon. Bet they have been on holiday together too. In my view folk who live together etc have already been living as a married couple except for legal documents. YANBU and folk who do this are mean.

I have absolutely no problem with contributing towards a honeymoon for friends/family who are getting married.

To be honest, it saves trying to think of a present to buy eg one more toaster or kettle.

Wedding gift lists get a thumbs up from me- often there is a whole price range so you can spend what you prefer and be certain that it’s something that the couple actually would like!

I can think of many other cultures where pinning money to the bride is the norm. Only here do peopel get so peevishly uptight about money. Why wants 27 casserole dishes like we got or really ugly yellow floral pedestal mats like we got . This is why gift and wish lists were created ; because people suck at present buying and expect to foist their god awful taste and lack of imagination onto others.

who's not whose

On the subject of thank you letters - I'd rather no thanks at all, or even better a verbal thanks or a text or a one line email than a pre preprinted photo card with "thank you for the gift" or "thank you for helping us celebrate our special day" [vomit] printed in it and your signatures underneath, as though you are the mayor and mayoress signing your toppling pile of duty cards to anonymous well wishers. The generic message in a photo card makes me wonder whether in fact somebody nicked the cash from the card, and certainly makes me assume you don't know what I gave you. It makes me wish I'd just given you a generic bottle of champagne instead of a generous amount of money which was enough to cause me to have to cut back on my spending, as I assume you have no idea what I gave you, or its been lost or mixed up.

I'd rather assume somebody is having too much fun/ forgot/ too busy to thank me in some stuffy formal way than to receive the generic photo card. I don't know whether that is odd. Probably...

I hate it so money grabbing.

We didn’t have a list or poem etc for our wedding and we didn’t get any tat or unwanted homeware. Not sure why you would if you invite people that actually know you? We only got lovely pieces and money. Some chose to give a gift others didn’t. We weren’t fussed either way, tbh it had meant that little we forgot to put anything in the invite, we were much more pleased with people making the effort to come.

Not banking cheques until thank yous have been sent is a thoughtless, inconsiderate, self obsessed and bloody awful idea. Excellent way to send somebody whose sent you a generous amount of money into their overdraft if you don't bank the check for ages

But why should it have to take ages? No need for overblown photo cards either for that matter - just a simple, sincere written message (or even an email for those who prefer it) sent promptly and then the cheques banked

Job done

I have had this type of invitation some years ago for 2 weddings. One said no gifts necessary but we would appreciate... and a small list. The other said no gifts but money. I gave to the first and not to the second on principle. If anyone asks for money I deliberately do not give them anything. Tough luck for them for being rude and moneygrabbing. I have been married twice and never had one honeymoon because we simply could not afford it for either. It was more important that the day was enjoyed and our home was put together. I hate, loathe and detest today's modern love affair with money!