To expect school to respect privacy wishes of 9 year old?

[streetlife70s]

Hi, not a first time poster with a weird first time post but a briefly returning flouncer needing a little perspective please.

Like a lot of families we have discussed bodily autonomy, consent etc at home and both kids schools have done the same in recent months (DD9 and DS11) with targeted lessons on these topics.

From around the age of 7 both kids started to cover up more around us, asked for privacy in bathroom etc etc and we took our cue from them and did the same (so far so normal right?)

DD is not 'ashamed' of her body any more than me or DH are before anyone says that, but that doesn't equate to lack of privacy. So for example, when we go swimming as a family I don't have a problem with how I look in a cossie but I always get changed in a cubicle.

DD 9 has said this morning she no longer wants to use the communal changing rooms at school swimming because she wants to get changed in private. There are no private cubicles and she says she finds it too difficult to get changed single handedly holding a towel.

Her words were, "so how come I have the right to be private at home and when we go swimming as a family but then a teacher can tell me tell me to get my clothes off in front of a bunch of other kids at school?"

Errrm, not sure how to handle this one. I asked her to go and speak to her teacher before swimming about how she feels. I don't want to be 'that' parent expecting special treatment for DD but equally, in one lesson she has been taught about having rights over her body which trumps the rights of teachers, family etc and on the other hand are we saying "no, if you're told to get undressed in front of people and you feel uncomfortable you shouldn't because that's silly / they are all girls / a teacher says so / there is nowhere else?"

How would you handle this? (expecting perhaps call from school later)

If children’s privacy is respected when they request it surely that is more likely to lead to an outcome of healthy self respect and lack of hang ups? Surely forcing a lack of privacy when it’s really difficult for someone only makes the shyness/discomfort more ingrained?

Totally agree

Your poor DD. I remember this feeling of awkwardness as a child. My towel was my lifesaver!

I see the dilemma. Like others have said a nice big towel with Velcro that can go around her neck would be great. It also means she won't be singling herself out by having her own changing room.

Best of luck OP

This is a good point. There must be a toilet she can get changed in. At least to the point she retains privacy i.e top and bottoms but hair and shoes and socks come out to free up toilet.

Aren't communal changing rooms a fact of life?

It's odd. Back in the 80s and 90s shops had communal changing rooms for trying stuff on. At some point they switched to have individual cubicles. In the same timeframe, swimming baths used to have individual cubicles but now gyms etc seem to be communal.

I have always hated communal changing although I am now able to kind of shut my mind down and get on with it. As quickly as possible!

Back in the 80s and 90s shops had communal changing rooms for trying stuff on

I remember trying a dress on in Top Shop as a teenager, I was about 14. I had struggled with my feelings of discomfort about my body since going through puberty but had been assured that I was making a fuss about nothing, we're all the same, stop being a silly girl etc. So I took off my top to try on the dress whereupon a group of girls at the other side of the room burst out laughing and shouted 'have you seen the size of her tits? That's fucking disgusting'.

I'm in my 40s and have never stripped to my bra in a changing room again, and I never will.

In an ideal world, people are very business like and don't care about other people's bodies. But in the real world you're not always so lucky.

I also don't think it helps always to teach them not to cover up.. I remember my parents being really relaxed about nudity, and being taught that it was all fine and normal to get changed openly in a women's changing room.. So when I got to secondary I quite happily stripped off, and was teased mercilessly for doing so (apparently it meant I must be a lesbian but yeah kids are cruel). I wished I'd been taught more modesty and the towel trick.

Can she not wrap the towel around her instead of holding it to put on her bottoms and then turn her back to everyone for her top items?

FFS how many if you would change in front of friends AND colleagues while your boss watched, with possibility of nasty comments? Because that’s what school pe / swimming changing rooms are often like

That is a very good point.

Fascinating question. We all remember the communal changing rooms - I still won't use them in a shop though that's almost unknown nowadays. I like the idea of a poncho style towel. My old school didn't even have cubicles, so that wasn't even an option (though that was the 70's). Reinforce to her that you do not HAVE to cover up at home - it's just that she is being respected by her parents and they are taking their lead from her. It's really true - we don't respect kids rights to privacy when it comes to school, but maybe that should change. Could she wear her cossie before she goes in that day? Under her clothes? And just use the towel afterwards? Don't really know the answer to that one.

When I used to go swimming, we were able to change in separate cubicles, we took it in turns as the teacher monitored and it turned out it was quicker as people weren't trying to faff around hiding from each other. And from working at a school where we took the students to a public swimming pool, we monitored the children going in and out of the cubicles, and they knew they had to wait in an area once they were changed, I don't see it as a safeguarding issue using cubicles, if anything I think the access to cubicles and privacy will limit the amount of bullying, and especially at a young age and physically developing age, that could lead to some girls bullying if they are able to see differences in each other. I agree with your DD and that she should have privacy!

I don't see it as a safeguarding issue using cubicles, if anything I think the access to cubicles and privacy will limit the amount of bullying

I don't see how having individual cubicles is a safe guarding issue at all. I would have hated getting changed in a communal changing area.

treacle what a horrible story, I'm sorry you had to go through that