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Original poster

To expect school to respect privacy wishes of 9 year old?

215 replies

streetlife70s · 31/10/2017 09:54

Hi, not a first time poster with a weird first time post but a briefly returning flouncer needing a little perspective please.

Like a lot of families we have discussed bodily autonomy, consent etc at home and both kids schools have done the same in recent months (DD9 and DS11) with targeted lessons on these topics.

From around the age of 7 both kids started to cover up more around us, asked for privacy in bathroom etc etc and we took our cue from them and did the same (so far so normal right?)

DD is not 'ashamed' of her body any more than me or DH are before anyone says that, but that doesn't equate to lack of privacy. So for example, when we go swimming as a family I don't have a problem with how I look in a cossie but I always get changed in a cubicle.

DD 9 has said this morning she no longer wants to use the communal changing rooms at school swimming because she wants to get changed in private. There are no private cubicles and she says she finds it too difficult to get changed single handedly holding a towel.

Her words were, "so how come I have the right to be private at home and when we go swimming as a family but then a teacher can tell me tell me to get my clothes off in front of a bunch of other kids at school?"

Errrm, not sure how to handle this one. I asked her to go and speak to her teacher before swimming about how she feels. I don't want to be 'that' parent expecting special treatment for DD but equally, in one lesson she has been taught about having rights over her body which trumps the rights of teachers, family etc and on the other hand are we saying "no, if you're told to get undressed in front of people and you feel uncomfortable you shouldn't because that's silly / they are all girls / a teacher says so / there is nowhere else?"

How would you handle this? (expecting perhaps call from school later)

OP posts:
SilverSpot · 31/10/2017 10:39

But year - just get her one of those "modesty towels" to alleviate the issue in the near term.

treaclesoda · 31/10/2017 10:39

You're not allowed to withdraw your child from swimming though, are you? It's compulsory.

treaclesoda · 31/10/2017 10:39

Whereas as an adult you can choose not to go to a gym/swimming pool if you don't feel comfortable.

messyjessy17 · 31/10/2017 10:43

It can't be compulsory, for various reasons.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/10/2017 10:44

Your DD has a point, an excellent one, but cubicles aren't possible.

I bought a bath towel from Primark, sewed it halfway down the side, and put an elastic in the top - if you can imagine a massive towelling pencil skirt with an elasticated waist and a split down one side, you have the right idea! DS loves it and uses it to change under, either with the elasticated "waist" around his neck (it's very loose) or with the "waist" around his actual waist.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2017 10:44

The answer is allowing them to use cubicles.

There aren't any.

treaclesoda · 31/10/2017 10:46

Why do you get changed into your cossie in a cubicle? Because you do have hang ups/ issues clearly... otherwise you would just use the communal changing!

Most people get over their body hang ups as adults. But for children going through puberty (at different stages) it's the fear of bullying that stops them wanting to get undressed in public. And it's a very valid fear.

JassyRadlett · 31/10/2017 10:52

aren't you worried that she has a problem with her body if she feels such a need to hide it already, at nine?

I don’t think this follows at all. This comes across as a child who recognises and is confident that their body belongs to them and they get to choose who sees it, how much anyone else sees of it, who gets to touch it, etc.

Which is a pretty healthy state of affairs.

At what age do you think not wanting to be starkers in front of your peers becomes ok?

Original poster
streetlife70s · 31/10/2017 10:53

Why do you get changed into your cossie in a cubicle? Because you do have hang ups/ issues clearly... otherwise you would just use the communal changing!

Bingo! Was waiting for that one. Not as far as I am aware I haven't no. I like the way my body looks I just don't get my boobs, fanjo and butt out in front of anyone except my husband, or (in a previous life) someone I am intimate with.

Of course I am sure this is social conditioning and my kids will have inevitably picked up social cues not just from me but from a variety of social settings. Sure, I accept in a more liberal country where there was less 'shaming' (for want of a better word) we might be different but there you are. None of us have 'hang ups' or 'issues', just socially conditioned to cover intimate areas.

Maybe a sad reflection of society but that's another thread. The towel is on it's way and as I have a very good relationship with the school, any objection from her today can be easily smoothed over to make everyone concerned happy.

OP posts:
Peregrina · 31/10/2017 10:54

The local swimming pool only has cubicles - I wonder how the teachers manage? My school also used a pool with cubicles - not enough for us all so we had to double up, but sharing with a friend is not too bad.

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake · 31/10/2017 10:54

Perhaps this is an opportunity to talk to your daughter about the fact that many times in life, there is what is ideal or right and there is what is possible.

She isn't being forced to be naked in front of people - she can cover up with a towel. And we don't have rights to avoid everything we may feel uncomfortable about. She's just not being offered her ideal solution, because it's neither practical nor possible for the school. That's life - getting the benefits of participating in a society (like having someone else build you a swimming pool you can go and use) means giving up some of your preferences and accepting solutions that work for the majority.

messyjessy17 · 31/10/2017 10:54

At what age do you think not wanting to be starkers in front of your peers becomes ok?

I don't really see why anyone thinks its not ok to change in communal areas at any age. I do it, and always have done, and always will do. As does everyone I know.
It's rather a british thing, perhaps? It's quite sad that such a young child thinks she needs to hide herself away, as if she has something to be ashamed of.

Original poster
streetlife70s · 31/10/2017 10:54

And by 'none of us' I meant in my family (not speaking for the rest of society)

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/10/2017 10:57

My suggestion - get two bath sheets & get sewing (or use velcro or poppers to make a seam along the top (shorter) edges and then make two arm holes on the longer sides, thereby making your own poncho/wrap if you can't get one of the other types of towels suggested up thread.

treaclesoda · 31/10/2017 10:57

It's quite sad that such a young child thinks she needs to hide herself away, as if she has something to be ashamed of.

I don't think it's about feeling ashamed. It's about not wanting the other girls in the class to start giggling because you have underarm hair and they don't. Or to tell the boys afterwards that 'x has got hair on her knickers'. That's the reality of communal changing for 9/10/11 year olds.

JassyRadlett · 31/10/2017 10:58

I don't really see why anyone thinks its not ok to change in communal areas at any age. I do it, and always have done, and always will do. As does everyone I know.

How nice for you. I prefer not to; I know it’s ok to do so but as personal preference (and partly social conditioning - I grew up in a country where cubicles were absolutely the norm) I seek a cubicle. Having gone to boarding school I’m shit hot at getting into and out of swimwear without taking off my other clothes, though.

It's rather a british thing, perhaps?

No idea, I’m not British.

It's quite sad that such a young child thinks she needs to hide herself away, as if she has something to be ashamed of.

She doesn’t feel she ‘needs’ to, she wants to. And you’re the one linking it to shame - OP hasn’t mentioned anything like that.

If we teach our kids that it’s ok for their bodies to be private from others, we need to find ways to follow through.

Rudgie47 · 31/10/2017 10:59

I sympathize with your DD, I can still remember now having to get changed for games and PE and then have a shower naked and queue up for my towel back afterwards. It was dreadfull, really humiliating and horrible.
What I'd do is get her one of those huge towels with a hood that Tri athletes use, then she will be able to get changed in the changing room and not feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
streetlife70s · 31/10/2017 11:00

Terrifying I take your point but in the case of bodily autonomy I do think we should teach everyone that we DO have a right to prevent anything we feel uncomfortable with. It's not the same as your example. She IS asking to take her clothes off in front of other people and the holding the towel with one hand wasn't offering her enough privacy (she felt)

However, the towels everyone has suggested should do the trick. I think it's good she brings it up. After all, they are expected to use them until the age of 11 at which point more children will be wanting privacy I expect.

OP posts:
Original poster
streetlife70s · 31/10/2017 11:02

Oh crap. I meant 'IS BEING ASKED' to take clothes off. Sorry I'm in a rush so should stop replying rather than post shit posts. Thanks so much for all your input again.

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 31/10/2017 11:03

I am a member of a gym. There are only 4 cubicles in the whole changing area. Many women stand stark naked as they dress and dry off. I strip off and get changed. I dont really care. Children are also allowed in the club. The children are dried and dressed along with the adults also doing so.

Shrug.

If you feel so strongly the only way you can do it is withdraw her from school swimming completely.

whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 11:03

I think this is the perfect opportunity to learn a very important lesson: sometimes the world isn't set up in accordance with the best principles, and when we encounter those cases, we may need to campaign for change! I would encourage her to get involved with asking for the change she wants to see. It's really important that girls learn how to do this.

NikiBabe · 31/10/2017 11:04

To save time when I was a child my mum used to send me to school with my swimming costume on under my clothes and my under wear to cahnge into afterwards.

Having your swimming costume already on means you dont have to be naked when you undress at swimming. That is half the battle.

user789653241 · 31/10/2017 11:05

Yes, I can totally understand op. My ds is the same, despite being a boy. He has huge surgery scar and totally conscious about his body.
I was worried about swimming, and got him huge poncho shaped towel.
It worked perfect. I was worried he would be teased for hiding/using poncho tbh, but it went totally ok without any issue.

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2017 11:12

This is a really tricky one as actually she has a good point but practically speaking it's difficult for the school to fix it. The towel is probably the best compromise.

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