To expect school to respect privacy wishes of 9 year old?

[streetlife70s]

Hi, not a first time poster with a weird first time post but a briefly returning flouncer needing a little perspective please.

Like a lot of families we have discussed bodily autonomy, consent etc at home and both kids schools have done the same in recent months (DD9 and DS11) with targeted lessons on these topics.

From around the age of 7 both kids started to cover up more around us, asked for privacy in bathroom etc etc and we took our cue from them and did the same (so far so normal right?)

DD is not 'ashamed' of her body any more than me or DH are before anyone says that, but that doesn't equate to lack of privacy. So for example, when we go swimming as a family I don't have a problem with how I look in a cossie but I always get changed in a cubicle.

DD 9 has said this morning she no longer wants to use the communal changing rooms at school swimming because she wants to get changed in private. There are no private cubicles and she says she finds it too difficult to get changed single handedly holding a towel.

Her words were, "so how come I have the right to be private at home and when we go swimming as a family but then a teacher can tell me tell me to get my clothes off in front of a bunch of other kids at school?"

Errrm, not sure how to handle this one. I asked her to go and speak to her teacher before swimming about how she feels. I don't want to be 'that' parent expecting special treatment for DD but equally, in one lesson she has been taught about having rights over her body which trumps the rights of teachers, family etc and on the other hand are we saying "no, if you're told to get undressed in front of people and you feel uncomfortable you shouldn't because that's silly / they are all girls / a teacher says so / there is nowhere else?"

How would you handle this? (expecting perhaps call from school later)

My dd takes a hooded towel like a poncho and uses that at school swimming

Well done OP for raising your daughter to question things.

As an adult I am one of those who will strip off in a changing room, I sunbathe topless abroad, I think the efforts to preserve modesty in medical settings are excessive.
But, when I was 8 I had pubic hair which was spotted by other girls while changing for PE, I was mortified. And got teased. And at secondary school people with the biggest boobs were teased, the smallest boobs were teased, lots of pubes or none yet, all commented on.
To those saying girls don't look at each other, that's just not true. My mother used to say this because she was not prudish and probably believed it but my goodness we all looked at each other and compared the other girls to ourselves.

I agree with everything Treacle has said and would urge others not to shout down those defending the right to privacy which varies as we are all individuals. It's fine if you're not bothered but have some empathy.

From what I have read this isn't a child who has hangups about her body this is a child who doesn't understand why she has to get undressed in front of all her peers and teachers when she can undress is privacy at home. I agree with her 100%.

I have a daughter the same age who is also getting conscious of her developing body as is her 11 year old sister. We always have the bathroom door open but now they are requesting that the door be closed as they want their privacy. Something we all are learning to do. Although my 9 year old is usually trying to make fluffy slime out of the products she finds in there!

My oldest has just started year 7 but whilst in primary a couple of the other girls had started their periods and a few more were starting the early stages of puberty (I know because the girls talk and my daughter told me).

Some kids are more embarrassed about having nits than showing their bodies and other kids are painfully shy. Each child is different and this little girl sounds very intelligent and has the right to question this and hopefully gets the right response from her teachers.

I volunteered for the swimming project for both dc. The instructor gave stern lecture about bullying before locker room change. He showed the boys how to change without showing privates as well as girls.

Fwiw, most girls wore swim suit under clothes to class and some changed in toilet stall after.

I'm sure there are tricks on YouTube for girls changing without showing their skivvies.

My dd is/ was shy too,

Wow, we have some fucked up attitudes to nudity in the UK....

Wow, we have some fucked up attitudes to nudity in the UK....

Get her a poncho type thing (they have them in Decathlon).

I am not hung about my body really but I also like my privacy so will always get changed in a cubical. My 10 year old son has also just started to want privacy and recently at swimming told me he didn't like getting changed at his swimming club because there aren't any cubicles in the boys changing room and that parents go in there with their other children some of which are girls. The swimming school has been very respectful of this now and have put provisions in place. However, I am not sure what the solution would be at school. I know how your daughter feels though I hated getting changed at secondary school in the open plan changing rooms, most of the girls did. I like the suggestions of the velcro towels, I will hunt around for one of those for my son!

If children’s privacy is respected when they request it surely that is more likely to lead to an outcome of healthy self respect and lack of hang ups? Surely forcing a lack of privacy when it’s really difficult for someone only makes the shyness/discomfort more ingrained?

Actually I think you definitely should be that parent. If she doesn’t want to communally change she shouldn’t have to .
I go naked in spas abroad all the time and beaches but out of my kids only three of the five are happy with being naked in public places including changing rooms so st not parenting it’s generally personal preference and sometime a stage of life they are at that makes them want privacy . It’s up to each individual child and I think it’s wrong for Schools to push this communal bollocks in changing rooms . Who cares if it’s practical or not your child has a total right to privacy . no adult would be forced to be naked in public if they didn’t choose to would they ? Think about it if you were forced to be naked somewhere in a changing room or a place ... would you accept that or see it as wrong . No difference because it’s a kid

Wow, we have some fucked up lack of empathy and understanding in the UK !!

And yes girls do look at each other and tease about body shape size and development .
It’s cruel to force any child to be naked around other people unless they so want it .
I’m so far from prudish it’s laughable but this is not about body attitudes and nudity it is about right to privacy which every human should have regardless of age

I am perfectly happy with my body.

I still wouldn't strip off in front of colleagues.

Your DD sounds very switched on and sensible.

Women have a difficult line to tread. Either you're a prude with hang-ups and acting like a special snowflake, or you are inviting assault by not covering up.

Your children wanted more privacy at age of 7?

My ds yesterday was upset and wanted to cosleep and he’s 11.

It would take a very long time to get a whole class changed if private facilities had to be made available to everyone

My school had individual cubicles.

It's space. Schools don't usually have individual cubicles

I occasionally go swimming at the school my son was at and the girl's changing room has individual cubicles.

Not sure how this has got to 8 pages! Changing poncho or tankini under uniform. Problem solved.

Can she dress in a toilet cubicle? Not ideal I know but she has a very valid point. A very astute smart young lady seeing the bigger picture!

OP, I am sure you are very proud of your daughter. She sounds pretty switched on. Glad to hear you are acknowledging her concerns. Voice of the child is paramount in this situation. FWIW, I have 3 children, number 2 boy has requested his privacy for a few years now (age 8). I respect his wishes and close the door for him. Amazed by so many posters thinking it acceptable to force a child to get naked in front of anyone.

I have a changing towel made from a stretch terry towelling sheet stitched into a tube with elastic through the top to make a changing tent. My mum made it when I was a teen as we were doing a lot of sport that involved changing in car parks and on roadsides. Added bonus was it was warmer and you didn't need any hands free. My 10 year old had the opposite problem - no sense of dignity when it comes to dressing, I have to keep telling her not to climb the bunkbed ladder naked with the light on as it is by the window and there are flats opposite.

Problem solved.

It was solved on about page 1 when the OP said she had ordered a changing towel.

SoupDragon Yes but people want to debate the principles surrounding the Ops question.

Not the person I quoted who was commenting on the length of the thread and suggesting something the OP did pages ago.

Those of you saying she should be ok with it are totally missing the point that girls st that age WILL comment and look at each other, so you’d have to be pretty fucking hard to be ok with your classmates taking the piss or jeering at parts of your body, wouldn’t you?
FFS how many if you would change in front of friends AND colleagues while your boss watched, with possibility of nasty comments? Because that’s what school pe / swimming changing rooms are often like.

Aren't communal changing rooms a fact of life? It's the norm in my gym - and in fact, it helps people to get over body shame... you suddenly realise that everyone's the same and no one really cares... I get that she's changing and feeling uncertain about her body but if you want her to learn body confidence, communal changing rooms aren't a bad way to go...