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Original poster

To expect school to respect privacy wishes of 9 year old?

215 replies

streetlife70s · 31/10/2017 09:54

Hi, not a first time poster with a weird first time post but a briefly returning flouncer needing a little perspective please.

Like a lot of families we have discussed bodily autonomy, consent etc at home and both kids schools have done the same in recent months (DD9 and DS11) with targeted lessons on these topics.

From around the age of 7 both kids started to cover up more around us, asked for privacy in bathroom etc etc and we took our cue from them and did the same (so far so normal right?)

DD is not 'ashamed' of her body any more than me or DH are before anyone says that, but that doesn't equate to lack of privacy. So for example, when we go swimming as a family I don't have a problem with how I look in a cossie but I always get changed in a cubicle.

DD 9 has said this morning she no longer wants to use the communal changing rooms at school swimming because she wants to get changed in private. There are no private cubicles and she says she finds it too difficult to get changed single handedly holding a towel.

Her words were, "so how come I have the right to be private at home and when we go swimming as a family but then a teacher can tell me tell me to get my clothes off in front of a bunch of other kids at school?"

Errrm, not sure how to handle this one. I asked her to go and speak to her teacher before swimming about how she feels. I don't want to be 'that' parent expecting special treatment for DD but equally, in one lesson she has been taught about having rights over her body which trumps the rights of teachers, family etc and on the other hand are we saying "no, if you're told to get undressed in front of people and you feel uncomfortable you shouldn't because that's silly / they are all girls / a teacher says so / there is nowhere else?"

How would you handle this? (expecting perhaps call from school later)

OP posts:
user789653241 · 31/10/2017 14:54

Totally agree with treacle and Dumbledores

Ttbb · 31/10/2017 14:56

refysibg to undress infrint of others at the gym/swimming pool is either immature and precious or reveals body shame. It's fine for a nine year old to behave like that but it's not normal or rational for an adult to behave like that. The sooner she figures out that it's generally not a problem, the sooner she will be able to realise the rare instances when it actually is a safeguarding issue.

berliozwooler · 31/10/2017 14:59

Does she have to get changed in front of the boys as well? I don't think that's right at all for swimming, borderline acceptable for PE at this age.

For swimming we went into communal changing rooms but always separated into boys and girls.

berliozwooler · 31/10/2017 15:00

Good job as well - I started developing breasts at ten.

megletthesecond · 31/10/2017 15:05

Yanbu. Communal changing was the nail in the coffin for me doing PE once I got a little older. It was easy for other girls to bully me and comment on my appearance when we were changing in a shared space.

As an adult I've never had to change in a communal area, the moment a child is unhappy with it they should have an alternative.

Mishappening · 31/10/2017 15:07

I think that I am on the other side of this. Our family was easy about bodies - no-one flaunted theirs but neither did they work their tripe out to make sure they covered their genitalia. I have 3 DDs who have all been through school, college, uni etc. and it has never been an issue; perhaps because of what they pick up at home.

I cannot see any way that the school can cater for individual changing; and I am not entirely sure that they should. A matter-of-fact approach by the school would seem preferable.

StilettosAreANoNo · 31/10/2017 15:14

Also agree with Dumbledore and Treacle. I have dire memories of school and enforced communal showers. Dd1’s recent experience of PE at school wasn’t much better, although thankfully the shower aspect is no more.

Nowadays the message is that exercise is important and supposed to be enjoyable. And yet PE at school, usually kids first and sometimes only opportunity to do it, is totally off putting for many reasons (not just getting changed) and can shape their attitude towards it for life.

Whitecurrants · 31/10/2017 15:24

I’m uncomfortable with children being encouraged to hide their bodies away from their peers and it does feel a little snowflakey to me. They may also not get to understand what normal bodies look like, potentially leaving them with only media images for reference.

Dancergirl · 31/10/2017 15:26

It's fine for a nine year old to behave like that but it's not normal or rational for an adult to behave like that

What rubbish. I choose who I show my naked body to and so do many other people.

Dancergirl · 31/10/2017 15:28

They may also not get to understand what normal bodies look like

Oh. But 'no-one is looking at your body when you get changed' Grin

KarateKitten · 31/10/2017 15:29

I think I'd be focusing on why my child was so concerned about changing in a totally normal situation.

malvinandhobbes · 31/10/2017 15:34

It is horrific.

(this is in jest) I think we all learned to change discreetly. I can change my bra without taking off my shirt. It drives DH crazy. I can change from work clothes into running clothes in my car without showing a bit of skin. This is an important skill.

The towels ponchos seem like high luxury.

BabychamSocialist · 31/10/2017 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 31/10/2017 15:39

I'm perfectly happy getting changed fully naked in a communal swimming pool that I go to, but a large part of that is because of anonymity. If one day I came out and was surrounded by colleagues I'd be looking for a cubicle.

Also there's a very big difference between my feelings as an adult, having settled into my body and the horror I felt as a child hitting puberty - what if no-one else was starting to grow pubes, or someone noticed I had spots on my back, or someone laughed because they realised that one of my boobs had grown faster than the other?

I think the towel idea is very sensible, I think expecting children to suck it up when they're clearly very self conscious and there's an obvious solution is unfair.

Questionsmorequestions · 31/10/2017 15:43

We have a communal changing room. Anyone who doesn’t want to get changed there can use the toilets. Open offer and about 2 out of each class from y4 upwards choose to do so.

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 31/10/2017 15:46

I think it's perfectly normal for a girl this age to want privacy changing. I remember the torture of changing for PE and swimming while my body was changing at around that age. I wasn't ashamed particularly but my body still felt alien to me, I was adjusting to it myself and I hated other people seeing me undressed. For all those talking about making a child not feel ashamed of their body, it isn't always that simple really as emotions and hormones are in flux and can impact significantly on confidence as you find your new identity as your body changes. I am confident enough to change in communal areas now, often flashing people as I chase toddler and baby around, but at that age no way. OP, you seem to have taken a very balanced approach. School must surely see the contradiction and I would be amazed if it ruins an otherwise good relationship as some others appear to suggest it will.

megletthesecond · 31/10/2017 15:49

babysham it does become a body shame issue if other girls are making comments about her body.

I didn't have a problem with my body until everyone started pointing out I was half gorilla at junior and secondary school.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 31/10/2017 15:54

I hated swimming with school for the same reason.

Fwiw I don’t think it would cost a huge amount for school to fit curtain rails from the ceiling for them to pull around when changing. Or in college we had those curtains on wheels for our beauty therapy salon. I think they have them in hospitals too. They wouldn’t be a massive outlay.

Gilead · 31/10/2017 15:59

I went to primary school fifty years ago. We had separate cubicles. I would not want to change in front of my class and the school should be respecting your dd's wishes.

treaclesoda · 31/10/2017 15:59

I hate the message that 'I'm fine with getting naked, so anyone who doesn't agree with me is a precious snowflake'. It reminds me of the worst type of bullying PE teachers at school.

If children and teens are ashamed of their bodies it's usually because they're being told by their peers that their bodies are wrong, or weird, or disgusting. It's not precious snowflake behaviour to want to avoid humiliation if at all possible.

HamishBamish · 31/10/2017 16:07

I don't think there's anything wrong with a child wanting some privacy when changing. There are issues however with the logistics of having separate changing facilities for every individual, especially in school when changing for gym or swimming.

My children both swim for a club and are used to changing in front of others. They are also boys, which does make a difference in terms of how easy it is to stay covered if they want to (just the bottom half to deal with). The girls do get preferential treatment when it comes to changing facilities. They often train at a pool which is owned by an all boys boarding school, so only one proper changing room. The girls get that and the boys have to do with the janitor's cupboard.

I think that how children feel about their bodies needs to be respected and they should be given the chance to opt out of an activity if they feel they can't change in privacy. Of course that means they will miss out, but at least they get the choice.

eddiemairswife · 31/10/2017 16:28

I don't get the problems about supervision when there are cubicles. I used to take my class swimming at a public pool, and some of the girls used cubicles and others used the communal area. The only proviso was that they didn't leave their clothes in the cubicles. There was more hassle over the hairdryer than anything else.

JassyRadlett · 31/10/2017 16:32

This thread has left me wondering why some posters bother with clothes at all, given that not wanting to be naked in front of others (either friends or strangers) is a sign of a precious snowflake with body issues...

AnnaL82 · 31/10/2017 16:37

@treacle
Completely agree. I hated so much PE in middle school for this reason (and was bullied etc) that I blackmailed my parents into "withdrawal in high school or I'm finding a job".

We managed to make a health problem of my childhood (technically solved by then) sound as still relevant and get a certificate to take me out. Started again doing some kind of sport only at 32.

Yes, at that age self consciousness IS an issue , bullying IS a reality and both need to be addressed.

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