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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
antimatter · 29/10/2017 02:22

Your partner may change his/her mind if baby will scream her head off without the comfort of breastfeeding.

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:24

I said that, he said he’d ‘happily spend time trying to find other things that settle her’ but at all hours I hate the thought of her crying for her usual comfort and not being there.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 29/10/2017 02:25

My gut actually clenched. As a mum, reading this, said no way.

Don't do it. You'll have to work out something when she's older maybe but not now, baby needs mummy at this age, I'd fight for that.

antimatter · 29/10/2017 02:27

He may call you in the middle of the night to take over....
I know I would feel very uncomfortable too, I breastfeed both mine until they were 13 months. You can put your foot down anyway.

MoodyOne · 29/10/2017 02:31

Don’t do it !
I still breast feed and co sleep with my nearly 10 month old (about every 2-3 hours).
The past month we have been getting DH to walk him on some wake ups and it’s starting to work, but the min he starts to cry he comes back with me.
I recon on about another month DH will new able to settle him on every other wake up, but it’s a gradual process.
On the other hand he could be right, if the LO doesn’t smell you maybe they won’t expect a BF?
Could you sleep on his sofa for the first night see how it goes? Or he come to yourse and you sleep on the sofa?
You can both get a feel for things then x

antimatter · 29/10/2017 02:37

I guess your baby's dad never lived with her? So has no idea what the whole 24 hours with a baby looks like.

OhBeggerItsMorning · 29/10/2017 02:38

YANBU to not want her to go.

In my experience (4 bf children), it has been the night feeds that were the last to stop, they all drank out of cups during the day, but needed bf at night. The earliest any of them stopped feeding overnight was at 20 months.

You could say it's only for a trial to see how it goes. Are you in a position to pick her up\can ex drop her off if it all gets too much for him? Or is there somewhere nearby you could stay for a first try? Otherwise, I'd not want her going if I were in your position. (But ex might change his tune if he's dealing with a screaming baby at 3\4\5 o'clock in the morning, also, is there the possibility he is planning on trying her on formula overnight?)

Sprinklestar · 29/10/2017 02:41

He sounds absolutely clueless. And selfish.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 02:46

I would have hated this.

How well does she know him? Were you together when she was born or were you already apart, and if not when did he or you leave?

Have you a written arrangement about when she should go to him?

Can you take legal advice on this?

If it is possible for her to see him during the day, when she would be awake, I'd definitely see if that were an option instead.

Dustbunny1900 · 29/10/2017 02:47

So he’s not even going to co-sleep with her?? My stomach would be in knots picturing my bf co-sleeping baby crying themselves to sleep for me, YADNBU. No way.

hiddley · 29/10/2017 02:57

Not a long term breast-feeder so, imo despite you not wanting her to go, it is quite reasonable for her to go. Does she use a soother? Are you confident she'll be easily comforted? Seriously though, she should really be sleeping through the night at this age, or certainly for a large portion of it 6-7 hours at least? I presume you'll express milk for her to have before bedtime and in the morning?

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 03:05

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/08/fathers-access-baby-daughter

Some interesting perspectives here...

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/single-parents-support-45/415213-refuse-overnight-stays-all.html

I guess you will need to know is the home safe, and clean, where will she sleep? If she co-sleeps with you will he expect to co-sleep? Co-sleeping for breast feeding mums is different than for others, you are more in tune with baby. You will now all the rules, if he drinks, smokes, takes certain medication or drugs etc he cannot co-sleep. I would say a non-breast feeding parent should not sleep alone with baby.

Please take advice from a professional. I expect a Health Visitor or Doctor may say a breast feeding baby should not be seperated for her/his mum overnight.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 03:07

hiddley is there an age at which a child is known to sleep through the night?

It's only reasonable for her to go if it is in her best interests.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 03:14

You will know....

"I would say a non-breast feeding parent should not sleep alone with baby." I mean because of safety....

www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/where_babies_sleep/parents_bed/how_parents_bedshare/bedsharing_and_nonbreastfeeders/

"Although we have some evidence that mothers who previously breastfed, or who commenced breastfeeding and then switched to formula, retain the bed-sharing characteristics of breastfeeders (Uvnas Moberg 2003) it is currently unknown whether parents who have never breastfed can learn to sleep with their infants in the same manner. While it would make common sense to ensure that mothers who have never breastfed, and fathers who sleep alone with their babies, are aware of what safe bed-sharing positioning and behaviour entail we do not currently know whether they are likely to maintain the same level of vigilance and synchrony during sleep that is exhibited by breastfeeding mothers. For the time being some authorities suggest that non-breastfeeders keep their baby in a cot by the bed for sleep"

Emphasis mine.

skankingpiglet · 29/10/2017 03:18

Laughing at Hiddley and the STTN whilst listening to the stirrings and bumping arounds of my 3.4yo and 16mo. They have already had 1 and 2 visits respectively to resettle them after waking screaming. You must have got very lucky with sleeping children!

OP this would really unsettle me too. I think the suggestion of you sleeping on his couch is a good one if you feel you must let him take her overnight, but I don't think a sleepover at this age and these circumstances is in the DC's best interests so I would be saying no.

MrsOverTheRoad · 29/10/2017 03:38

Whilst I understand your reticence, I also understand his needs and wants as a Father. Why shouldn't he spend more than a few hours under one roof with his child?

hiddley · 29/10/2017 03:48

Got lucky yes. My motto was that it was doing him more harm than good for him to not be getting a good nights sleep. He could sleep for England. Always has. 12 hours a night (since about age 1) and at least a one hour nap during the day (sometimes two!) and he'd nod off again anytime we were in the car!

hiddley · 29/10/2017 03:52

On the other side of the coin, when he's awake, he's awake. Like a ping pong ball. Bouncing off walls, full of energy, driving me demented etc. I've earned my motherly stripes, but thankfully during the day and not at night.

TwiceAsNice22 · 29/10/2017 03:53

MrsOverTheRoad , its not about the fathers (or mothers) needs or wants, its about what is best for the child. And clearly it would be very disruptive to suddenly change the sleeping arrangement so much for such a young child.

Atenco · 29/10/2017 03:57

I'm no expert, but I think she is too young.

hiddley · 29/10/2017 03:58

The child doesn't sleep through as it is, so it's hardly much disruption?

TwiceAsNice22 · 29/10/2017 04:05

Can you work on other ways for the father to spend more time with your child? I am separated from my ex and my 3 year old twins do not spend overnights at his house ever (there are multiple reasons for this) but he does see them nearly every day. Personally I would not be allowing overnights for such a young baby in your situation (co sleeping and breast feeding) and I would be worried that if you allow it once at this stage you are setting the precedent and it might be hard to then stop it. It sounds like he really is disrespecting you as a parent and bullying you. In your situation I would research articles and studies on what is best for young children and overnights. And tell him that you won't be bullied into a decision. That you want to talk calmly about it and work together, but that co sleeping and breastfeeding are part of her routine now and that you are the primary care giver and that it is not in her best interests to suddenly change things.

TwiceAsNice22 · 29/10/2017 04:07

hiddley, it will be a big disruption when the baby wakes up wanting to nurse!

WonderLime · 29/10/2017 04:09

The child doesn't sleep through as it is, so it's hardly much disruption?

You are being ridiculous. There’s a big difference between a baby waking through the night, latching on and setting again compared to a baby waking in a different environment, without its usual source of comfort. What do you think will happen in the latter situation?

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 04:40

MrsOverTheRoad Contact is not about "his needs and wants as a Father." It is about what is best for the child.