To not want her to go.

[littlegrub2]

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

This man is immature and needs to stop putting HIS wants above his child’s NEEDS.

An 11month baby that co sleeps and is still breastfeeding should not have a sleepover with a man she sees once or twice each week. He doesn’t deserve to be called a father, he walked out when she was 4 mths and has shown no interest in providing for her. She NEEDS a home, heat, clothes, food etc....... all of that is a lot more than £80 over 11months.

He may earn minimum wage, he more than likely draws dividends and any CSA payments would include those.

Do not even entertain his selfish and unreasonable request. Be firm and say no. Also ensure he starts paying a reasonable maintenance.

Good luck x

Just to add, he is taking advantage of your feelings for him. Stand up to him and concentrate on yourself and your children. When he realises you have moved on he will understand what he has lost and may behave better as a result.

No. Her needs win, not his wants.

She needs you at night. OP. I think you're being generous even entertaining the idea.

He walked out on you and doesn't pay maintenance yet still wants a say? NOPE.

Personally I wouldn’t refuse to let him have baby..if he’s willing to put the effort in the you can’t blame the lad! There so many claims for deadbeat dads but he actually wants to experience fatherhood. He has every right to see his child also. Although I sure you should wean her of the breast first. In my experience co sleeping was never a problem with my son. I co slept with him for almost 12 months and he slept at his grandmas every weekend in a travel cot without no crying for comfort at all and transitioned straight into a cot no problem.

Not really putting in the effort if he’s refusing to pay maintenance though is he? Yes I know, children aren’t pay per view, blah blah blah. He’s what I would describe as a deadbeat dad because he’s not providing for his own child.

Trust me, I will be the first one to call out a deadbeat dad. I’ve been fighting for two years for a relationship between my son and his father. He sees him now and again twice a month sometimes more..he’s started paying maintenance regularly recently. But before maybe 8 weeks ago he didn’t but he didn’t see much if him either. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for a child she’s basically disallowing him to see. Yes I know babies still cost money without or without the father in the frame but everyone knows this before they create a baby and being a single mum at 20 and on benefits with no maintenance help. I know that it isn’t a struggle if you don’t waste money. So maintenance isn’t a source of income. Therefore without or without maintenance he should be allowed to see his child. Like you say. They are not pay per view. And it’s very unfair to treat them like that...maybe if you let him see baby on a regular basis he may accept to paying for the baby

She’s also not providing her child with a two parent relationship

The OP does let the father see the child, she just doesn't think the child is ready for overnights yet. Not the same thing.

luciouslulaaa "I wouldn’t refuse to let him have baby.." She's not.

"...if he’s willing to put the effort in the you can’t blame the lad! There so many claims for deadbeat dads but he actually wants to experience fatherhood." Fatherhood is not an 'experience' for a man to have it is a relationship with expectations and more. Sounds like this dad, who walked out on his partner and baby when baby was a few months old are not wanting to genuinely engage so I do "blame the lad." (your use of lad suggest he is really young, we have no idea how old he is, do we?)

"She’s also not providing her child with a two parent relationship" Actually she is and he is the one making it more difficult.

The fact this man is not paying maintenance is appalling, it has nothing to do with whether he should see his baby. He is failing his child. The OP is doing all she can and being put in a difficult position by a man she still loves.

It's not appropriate for the baby to stay at her father's house. She needs to be with you at night OP. Put your foot down.

Any update OP? Did you send her?