Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
Coastalcommand · 29/10/2017 07:48

I doubt very much a court would award that as it isn't in the baby's best interest.
Sending lots of hugs OP. You're doing a brilliant job - co sleeping and BF isn't easy but it is great for your baby.
Try to hold off on the overnights if you can. Hard I know, but better than you and her being upset.

NoSquirrels · 29/10/2017 07:50

I too think too young. Perhaps different for a bottle-fed baby used to other people doing night feeds and settling, but my BF 13-month olds would have been distraught.

The needs of the child are paramount here. You're not denying overnight access forever, but right now it doesn't sound like it's in your DD's best interests.

NotNowBernard1 · 29/10/2017 07:50

Babies are incredibly resilient. We adopted our DD from loving foster carers when she was 10 months old. She settled in wonderfully. I think many of these posts are about the wants and needs of the mothers rather than the children.

MagicMoneyTree · 29/10/2017 07:54

Was your adopted baby breastfeeding and co-sleeping with her mother until that point NotNow ? Didn’t think so.

LouHotel · 29/10/2017 07:58

Oh i really feel for you. Im still nursing my 18 month old who just about sleeps through.

If its any consoloation i had to go away overnight when she was 11 month old and she was fine with her dad. But then she sees him everyday.

Babies are adaptable but i think its too much of a leap. Would you be open for him coming round a couple nights a week to help with the bedtime routine?

lovecheeseandbiscuits · 29/10/2017 07:58

What's best for your baby is what is best, not what's best for him! No way I would do this I think your baby will get very upset. Tell him no, he's being v selfish.

CPtart · 29/10/2017 08:04

How much has he actually seen his DD in the last six months? Has she spent any time at all alone with him in his home on a regular basis?
The cynic in me feels he bailed out on parenthood in the tough early days and now she's becoming more interesting he's willing to give it a go.
He sounds a selfish, irresponsible and clueless git. And I say this as someone who vehemently never ever co-slept.

NoFuckingWay · 29/10/2017 08:06

The bond a foster carer has with a baby is totally different to the bond a breastfeeding co sleeping mother has with a baby is totally different!

I am honestly shocked and a little unsettled that so many people seem unbothered at the idea of a baby being possibly distressed being apart from her only comforter at night. Dad can have just a strong a bond with his daughter taking her to feed the ducks and play on the swings on days out at this age as he can trying to console his inconsolable baby at 2am because she needs her mum to feed her back to sleep.

innagazing · 29/10/2017 08:18

If he took you to court he would win overnight contact so I think you need to help facilitate this
No, he wouldn't. Courts respect the need for breastfeeding children to remain with their mothers.

April2013 · 29/10/2017 08:20

It is much better for your child if she stays with you overnight, clearly, do not be bullied into doing something your child is not ready for. I think only when you are routinely not bf overnight could you even start to consider a sleepover with him, and even then you will probably be doing a feed last thing in the evening, so really he needs to wait till you have stopped bf for a sleepover - and you should only stop bf when you and your child are ready, don't rush it for his sake. There is a lot of pressure to stop bf I think but you should only stop when you want to, everyone is different, I am still going at 18 months with an evening feed as I haven't been able to get him to sleep and sleep through without it, plus it makes things easier when he is ill, and i like having an excuse to sit on the sofa! Also your supply will go a bit haywire if you miss a night with your child suddenly and could cause problems for you (mastitis risk etc), it just isn't fair on you or your child.

Birdsgottafly · 29/10/2017 08:22

"If he took you to court he would win overnight contact so I think you need to help facilitate this."

He wouldn't, Courts don't consider overnights necessary for a baby. They are reluctant to force a BF baby/toddler out of their routine, because it isn't in the best interests of the child.

"I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week "

You've been bullied into this. OP stand up for your DD. There is no quality/positive time going on overnight, there is no need for this to go ahead.

Your reasons to stop this is because of your DDs needs, his reasons are because of his wants, which means, she stays with you.

He should build up the constant during the day, first.

TittyGolightly · 29/10/2017 08:23

My BIL wasn't awarded overnight contact with his son by the court until he was 2 because his ex (said she) was breastfeeding.

Clueless1315 · 29/10/2017 08:29

She may just surprise you and be alright. I breastfeed my daughter till she was 18 months and co-slept with her. Ex was rabbiting on when he came for my son that he wanted to spend time with her too. I finally agreed, I think she was around 12 months. I did not think she'd cope. But he facetimed me to show me she was good as gold. She behaved entirely differently with him. And then when he returned her she would launch herself to my breasts and have a good guzzle. In his presents she was okay taking a bottle. I admit though it caused problems for me as my breasts overfilled and hot really hard at the weekends. I would be in pain. I would try to empty them but not doing a good job. I use to count the hours till she came as the relief was unbelievable. That was the main reason I ended breastfeeding because I couldn't cope with the tender breasts. But it allowed them to bond. And now they have a lovely relationship. So try to put your feelings aside, you could try and if it doesn't work, tell him you'll try again in 4-6 months.

mcpound · 29/10/2017 08:35

CPtart
'The cynic in me feels he bailed out on parenthood in the tough early days and now she's becoming more interesting he's willing to give it a go.'
What a load of rubbish! You have absolutely no idea why they split up. You only get one perspective on these posts and that's the Ops so don't assume the worst of the ex.
Maybe it's too early now Op but I agree with other posters a time frame should be agreed and should start to be worked towards. It's perfectly normal for a Dad to want his child overnight and shouldn't be labelled as selfish.

Llanali · 29/10/2017 08:36

Well I’m in the minority but I think it’s fine. She will be different with him; many babies stay at grandparents etc at that age, my daughter had nights with my husband- in our house admittedly- but the point is that he does things totally differently to me. He cup fed warm milk, he cuddled and played music. My methods were different but no less successful. We all have different ways to interact with our babies even between couples who are together. People always say “let dad find his own way” here on MN when mother is saying that he doesn’t do it her way.

Similarly babies who do not take bottles from breastfeeding mothers often will happily take one from Dad or other people.

I think it’s worth a go.

Honeybooboo123 · 29/10/2017 08:40

I have long term bf and co slept with my DC and think there might a be a rough nightvto start but itvwill be fine. Otherwise how could mums ever leave their children if they needed to for work or family visits?

She will learn it's a different routine with daddy but they are resilient.

Herewegoagain01 · 29/10/2017 08:40

Coming from someone who also co sleeps and bf through the night, this makes me feel really sad for you. My ds(8mo) would scream and scream in the night for me. I think it’s totally reasonable to wait until your baby is older, and less dependent on you in the night. I’m 99% sure a court would not force you to send your dc overnight.

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 08:42

Funnily he did leave because he found it all to hard. He works 10-15 hour days 6 days a week (crazy I know). He sees her maybe twice, sometimes once a week. She knows her daddy, that’s not the issue, it’s just that I’ve no idea how she’d be.

I don’t really know why he wants her overnight but he does. He has a cot etc set up.

Maybe she would be completely fine, I just don’t know whether I want to take the risk or not.

Thank you for the replies xx

OP posts:
Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 08:44

And the comment that said I’m taking father-daughter bond away, not at all. He walked out on us, I still love him very much so it’d be easier not to see him to get through this yet my door is open 24-7 for him to see her when he chooses and I send photos etc constantly (as per request).

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 29/10/2017 08:45

Italiangreyhound I’m sure all the mothers on here who don’t breastfeed will be delighted to know you think they’re a danger to their kids.

Frouby · 29/10/2017 08:45

I think she will be ok OP. Will she wake up crying for bfing? Probably. Will she be furious and upset when you aren't there? Probably.

But lots of families night wean bf babies about this time as mum is going back to work. The mum is usually advised to go to a hotel for the night and leave dad to it.

Try and prepare her beforehand with a bottle or cup during the night. I nightweaned bf ds about that age by sending dp in. Ds was pretty cross about no bf but it only took 10 minutes for dp to settle him.

I do understand where you are coming from. My dd had overnights with her dad from about 18 months old and I hated it too. Flowers

Llanali · 29/10/2017 08:46

You miss her overnight you’ve said, you’d feel lost without her, no? So can you honestly not think why he would like her overnight?

MagicMoneyTree · 29/10/2017 08:49

How long does he spend with her when he sees her? Sounds like contact needs to be built up gradually to a point where overnights are more likely to work?

KarateKitten · 29/10/2017 08:51

She will be fine, hard and all as it is for you. Both your DD and her father have a right to access to each other. There's no reason whatsoever except your feelings why he shouldn't start having overnights.

I know it's hard for you but it really should be co-parenting and you keeping a tight hold of her all the time with him just getting little visits won't help integrate DD in his life and soon you'll find he's stepped back rather than have a half hearted, mother controlled relationship with his daughter. It must be incredibly painful as a father to be so on the back foot getting access to their children.

Charley50 · 29/10/2017 08:55

I think ideally overnights are for when she can express herself in words, not while she's a breastfeeding co-sleeping with mum baby.
He's being selfish.