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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
Coriandertasteslikesoap · 29/10/2017 11:28

So try to put your feelings aside, you could try and if it doesn't work, tell him you'll try again in 4-6 months

Exactly this. My nephew has his son, (starting at 12 months old) stay over twice a week. He and the Mum weren't living together when the child was born, but he had him for half a day every w/e. Child still co-sleeps with Mum as well (in one of those things you push up to the side of the bed although everyone thinks he's too big for it.) First night he had ds he gave him some warm milk in a sippy cup when he woke up but ds didn't have much as he probably doesn't really need the nourishment at that age, more the contact with Mum. He didn't seem all that surprised that Mum wasn't there, as Dad had put him to bed which was different from usual.
The mother was a bit doubtful about an overnight at first, but she's seen with her own eyes (dad sent videos) that her ds is perfectly happy and settled with his dad - is now quite glad she gets a couple of nights off. The first couple of times he was a bit puzzled but there was no distressed screaming. Why would there be? He's with his dad.

As pps have said, babies are extremely resilient and often take things as they come. There has to be a first time for everything. Indeed, if it's left too long it might be even more difficult to let him go to his dad.

LemonShark · 29/10/2017 12:22

long "My dh is severely mentally ill, a big part of which stems back to his childhood and feelings of emotional rejection - a lot of which were when he was a baby. He might not specifically ‘remember’ the occasions he was left with a relative whilst his sister was taken on holiday (before he was 1) but feelings of rejection can certainly start from birth."

Sorry but how on earth can you know for sure that an adults mental health issues stem from events occurring when he was a baby that he can't even recall? There's no way of knowing that other than theorising. And it's not like the OP is planning on starting a campaign of emotionally neglecting her child on the reg, she's considering doing something to facilitate a good relationship with the baby's father, who is every bit as important to a child as its mum. So it seems a poor comparison.

I'm with the (increasing) minority that say go for it, she will probably be fine and a solid bond with her dad will be good for her in the long run, also as her parent he absolutely has a right to be taking some responsibility for all aspects of her care: not just the hour in the park on the swings, but the day to day grind too! Men get slammed for only wanting to do the fun bits of parenting. This one actively wants to parent his child even during the less exciting and more exhausting/difficult parts and he's being slammed for that too.

Being mum doesn't trump being dad and I agree with the PP saying if you were talking about heading out for a work trip and leaving baby with grandparents you'd get loads of encouragement. You've already agreed so try keep an open mind and put your feelings of anxiety last, put baby's needs and rights first and see how it goes. If it's a disaster you can postpone the next time and plan to see if you are able to facilitate it being more smooth but you have to start somewhere. I do think it's clear it's your own feelings of anxiety about missing her that are clouding your judgment, and it's good you've posted so you can get other more objective opinions and then decide what you want to do from there. But remember, he's her father. He has to start somewhere.

kaytee87 · 29/10/2017 12:38

@Barmaid101 it’s not the mothers needs that are trumping the fathers, it’s the childs!

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 12:41

Skarossinkplunger "Italiangreyhound I’m sure all the mothers on here who don’t breastfeed will be delighted to know you think they’re a danger to their kids."

What exactly are you talking about, where did I say that?

I quoted scientific evidence that co-sleeping with a baby when you are not breast feeding them is less safe than co-sleeping when you are breastfeeding because the connection between a breast feeding mum and a non-breastfeeding mum or a dad, or any other person is different. It is to do with how aware of the presence of the baby that the adult is. Co-sleeping can be very safe in some circumstances but can also be very unsafe in other circumstances. Surely all adults who would share a bed with a baby should be aware of this. It's not my opinion, it's science.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 12:41

OP "He doesn’t pay maintenance so it’s nothing to do with that."

He needs to start. I know contact is nothing to do with maintenance but honestly why should be be allowing you to support your (plural child) alone. I would start talking about that before you agree to anything. You will work your fingers to the bone to support and care for your child and he will whizz in when he feels like it, do what he feels like and what he wants and that is not parenting!

kaytee87 · 29/10/2017 12:43

In most cases a court won’t award overnights with under 2s whether breastfeeding or not.

It’s not in the childs best interests to be away from its main source of comfort and care overnight whilst still so young.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 29/10/2017 12:55

YANBU OP, I wouldn't let the baby go.

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 12:57

Thank you for all the different perspectives, I definitely needed to read them.

He doesn’t believe in paying a ‘set maintenance’, he just tells me to tell him what she needs. He’s contributed about £80 in total this year towards her. I feel I can’t complain as I haven’t asked for any more though. I’m managing okay.

I’ve given up trying to express, it hurts so much. I just get nothing.
Tried formula also, she doesn’t like a bottle.

I think if I don’t let her go, I’ll feel guilty for all the reasons the minority posts have given. It is her dad, she’ll have love and care. I never want to be seen by him as a barrier between him and his daughter (ironic when he walked out on us) but he has bought cot set up etc and is so keen on the idea.
I just wish she was at an age where she won’t most likely be confused and upset. Also she very rarely sleeps in a cot so that will be a hurdle on its own.

I’m still not sure what to do. I think I will pick a night my eldest two are at their dads for a sleepover so I am on hand to drive up if needs be and will probably sit up all night staring at my phone!

If they crack it I’d be delighted. Like I said she’s up every 2-3 hours for milk so a solid block of undisturbed sleep sounds like a dream!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 12:59

sorry... your (plural) child!

QueenAmongstMen · 29/10/2017 13:00

Oh OP - how awful!!!

I would not agree to this at all.

FWIW - my friend has an almost 4 year old who usually ends up in her bed at night. The dad left when she was about two and contact has always been sporadic, seeing his daughter one day a week for just a few hours. It has recently gone to Court as my friend wanted something more official and although the dad applied for overnight stays he was refused. The Court said that as my friend is the main carer and they co-sleep then it isn't in the daughters best interests to to be separated from its mother overnight.

If a Court said that about a 4 year old I can't imagine they would allow a 10 month old, breast fed, co-sleeping baby to be taken away from its mother overnight and be out in to the care of a man who doesn't even care enough about his daughter to pay maintenance.

I would tell him you've changed your mind and that if he really wants to pursue it then he should take legal action.

I breast fed my son until he was 2.5 years and the thought of him being a 10 month old baby, waking up in a strange environment, away from me, crying for the breast and wanting his mom and just getting more and more distressed makes me feel sick.

Your Ex is being incredibly selfish. There's no excuse for not paying maintenance either.

Just because you still love him don't give into his demands, don't be blinded by love when it comes to making the right decisions for your baby.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 13:01

"He doesn’t believe in paying a ‘set maintenance’, he just tells me to tell him what she needs. He’s contributed about £80 in total this year towards her. I feel I can’t complain as I haven’t asked for any more though. I’m managing okay."

Don;t allow him to do this and make you complicit in this. Ask for a fair amount, get help to assess this.

m0therofdragons · 29/10/2017 13:04

I’ve changed my mind. Doesn’t pay? Well fuck that, he doesn’t get to call any shots!

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 29/10/2017 13:05

Why the hell isn't he paying proper maintenance?

Confused

I wouldn't let her go, not yet

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 13:18

He just asks ‘what for.. if she needs anything tell me’.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 29/10/2017 13:20

How is he planning to feed her if she won't take a bottle?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 29/10/2017 13:21

That's ridiculous! He should be paying a set regular amount. What does he earn?

Oysterbabe · 29/10/2017 13:22

Yanbu. She wouldn't be going if she were mine.

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 13:22

He earns a LOT.

He said he’d offer her water in a sippy cup. As she ‘doesn’t need night feeds at her age anyway.’ I don’t even know how true that is. Whether she’d be hungry as she’s used to night feeds or if she’d just be fine.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 29/10/2017 13:27

You shouldn't be in the position of having to ask. He should be paying maintenance towards his child. He can pay agreed upon extras, uniforms, activities, etc

gobster · 29/10/2017 13:37

She needs a roof over her head and he should be contributing to ensure that

She needs nappies and he should be contributing to that

She needs to be clothed and he should be contributing to that

That is a ridiculous attitude from him!

ShiftyLookingBadger · 29/10/2017 13:46

When he asks what the maintenance is for: her food, water, clothing, contribution to roof over his daughter's head etc! It's not all about 'things'.

StefMay · 29/10/2017 13:52

You make a good suggestion to let her stay with him when you're other children are with their Dad. Seems like a good compromise.

However, then I read how he will give her a sippy cup of water if she wakes...

Your baby has a routine and he needs to respect his baby's needs and not try and enforce a new one off routine to suit himself.

Sounds like his need to have her overnight is not based on her needs.

Perhaps he should take some time off work and spend more time with her. Don't let him become the parent who swoops in for the irregular appearance and disrupts your baby's routine leaving you to pick up the pieces.

And, yes, you do need to sort a formal financial arrangement - don't be blinded by your love for him. He is taking advantage of this.

He should see that your daughter needs nappies etc and simply buy them - not make you ask with cap in hand. He's even got you thinking this is okay - it is not.

gingertigercat · 29/10/2017 13:54

So this cheeky prick doesn’t want to pay maintenance but thinks he can call the shots and knows better despite OP being the primary caregiver?

Nope.

Get him to pay maintenance. Even if it just goes to a trust fund for your child he needs to contribute fairly. It’s appalling that he doesn’t

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 29/10/2017 14:31

How much is a lot?

Why are you letting him get away with this?

bullyingadvice2017 · 29/10/2017 14:41

It sounds like the overnight thing is the least of your worries. Get on to child maintenance and get him paying. Start as you mean to go on with this guy. He is playing you for a fool and taking advantage of the fact you still love him.

Not about him believing in a set amount, what bollox! It's about his legal obligation to pay for his child.

You may manage alright now, but do you want to ask him for money and they have to not rock the boat by having to ask for what he should be paying without it even being a issue.