To not want her to go.

[littlegrub2]

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

She isn't ready yet, put him off.

Karate kitten +1
I think if that op posted that she wanted to attend a wedding etc she would get nothing but support and good advice on how to make it work for everyone, but because it's the child's dad it's completely unreasonable. Have to say I think men get a really hard time on this forum in general.

This is not in the best interests of the child. She is not "getting old" for breastfeeding, what a load of rubbish.

This thread is really sad. It’s all about mothers “not allowing” fathers to do things. Mothers don’t automatically get the boss role. Men get slated for walking away from dc but when he wants to have his child overnight that’s wrong too.

Co sleeping is what works for you but he has a right to have his dc and find what works for him.

Cynical me wonders whether it’s more to do with maintenance payments reducing if df has overnights. If you wanted to support a relationship with your dd’s father you’d try it and express your milk.

What a patronising and rude post. DS1's Dad left when DS1 was 5 months old. He'd never spent time with DS1 alone, never paid maintenance and kicked up a stink when suddenly he wanted 50/50 custody of this tiny baby I'd spent 5 months caring for. I refused and we ended up settling it between ourselves, but the very first time he had DS1 to stay overnight he phoned me at just gone 2am saying I needed to collect the baby as he wouldn't settle and his Girlfriend couldn't cope. How dare you presume that many Mothers are preventing Fathers from having bonds with their children? Perhaps most Mothers in these situations are simply better at deciding what's best for their baby.

KarateKitten. What's good for you and your child is not good for everyone. I don't understand your venom towards people who might do things differently from you. I would not go out for a night because I breastfeed.

the child doesn't need its mum

What a strange and sad comment.

Still a baby and still breastfed - I would say that overnights are not in the best interests of the child at this stage, particularly if the child has regular daytime visitation with their dad.

I still breastfeed my nearly 2 year old at night. I have tried to wean him off but, despite the sincere and tireless attempts of my DH to settle him, I have always had to eventually step in again to breastfeed. Eventually he will grow out of it and we have made a lot of strides to completely stop daytime BF'ing. But at night it's his comfort and I wouldn't deny him that.

I have had to miss overnight trips away with work as a result - I have not had a night away since before he was born. I couldn't do it because it's my responsibility to be around for him to breastfeed. It's not something you can just take away at the drop of a hat (that's just my opinion - I know people go cold turkey but I couldn't do it).

I understand your ex wanting to have his child overnight, and presumably in the future you will allow this?

Also people need to please think about OP's health as well - at that age if I even went a few hours without feeding I would have very sore, tender boobs as a result. Prolonged periods without feeding can lead to mastitis and not everyone can successfully pump (I couldn't).

Are there valid reasons for no overnight contact at the current time? IMO yes there are.

Gingle, what's good for this child is to have both her parents growing up. Some compromise for the parents is necessary. Some adaptation by the child is critical. Babies are very flexible, when it suits the mum. But it rarely suits mums to go through the pain of handing over their (mutual) child to the father. That is how these things work.

YANBU.

but the very first time he had DS1 to stay overnight he phoned me at just gone 2am saying I needed to collect the baby as he wouldn't settle and his Girlfriend couldn't cope.
Yep my friend got calls when her ex couldn’t cope and she was expected to drop everything. I imagine with babies it happens a lot with deadbeat dads but rather than fight, let him try and if he fails then overnights stop.

It is shit but the assumption men can’t cope is wrong imo.

He’s stayed overnight a few times to see what it’s like for me and try settle her on his own and it didn’t work. She screamed and screamed til he gave her back to me but he’s adamant a new house would convince her I wasn’t there and she’d have to make do.

I’m not being selfish in the slightest, I HAVE agreed to this, I’m just worried sick about it because I don’t want my baby to be distressed for me and there’s nothing I can do. She’s never settled to sleep without a breastfeed, whether that’s right or wrong for her age is irrelevant, it’s what she likes.

I would never deny access, as I said my door is open 24-7. I’m just hesitant on overnight due to our routine. She’s still a baby.

I'm with the minority too. I think it might be a good idea. Then the baby gets used to being with the Dad. The babu might well take a bottle if the Mum isn't about.
I BF my DC for 12 months each but would leave them with my DH - I admit it didn't always go that well 😂 but it was fine. They would take milk from a bottle from him but would never do it for me.

what's good for this child is to have both her parents growing up

You do realise that throughout human history it’s only recently that children have been brought up by both biological parents.

Granted the more loving adults a child has the better but OP is already ensuring that her child has her father in her life.

It’s just overnights whilst the baby is young and breastfeeding that OP is concerned about. No need to be dramatic about it.

Kitten, I absolutely agree that it is best that a child is to have both parents growing up and the OP is not suggesting otherwise. I am suggesting that as a couple, it was agreed to raise their child a certain way, to the benefit of that baby. Now it suits the father to change that parenting style, baby has to be flexible? It just seems that the ex is more interested in his own wants and is expecting his child to adapt around it.

Bit you seem instant on blaming Mothers, so agree to disagree.

Tell him no. No court would demand a BF baby be separated from its mum overnight. Remember that the priority is the baby, what the man wants is irrelevant.
Non-resident parents, particularly abusive ones, need to be put firmly in their place and kept there.

Does she take a bottle (expressed or formula)? If she already does then she might be fine. If she doesn’t I wouldn’t introduce them now and I wouldn’t let her go.

I'm shaking my head in disbelieve that he thinks an 11 month old baby will magically realize it's not her home with you in the middle of the note when she's distressed and hungry and will adjust accordingly.

I think he's in for a rude awakening. Let him be rudely awakened and kept in that state.

Say no. And tell him to fuck off entirely of he doesn't pay maintenance.

Yanbu for feeling nervous. Your dd may well settle in other ways when she knows you're not there to bf her, she obviously sees dad regularly and knows him so that's not an issue. How does she settle with him when he has her in the day and you aren't around? Perhaps a few trips to his house before she stays overnight might help?

At what point would you be happy to let her go and would he be willing to wait do you think?

I have a baby the same age and no fucking way. Of course babies this age who aren't used to breastfeeding and cosleeping would manage better, but nights away from their primary carer still aren't ideal. There's no need for this, he can spend time with her during the day when it won't be distressing for either of them. I wouldn't leave DD alone overnight with DH and they live together and are very close.

(As I know that will bring out the people shouting mummy martyr, we have an older DS who is fine overnight alone with DH. Wouldn't have left him as a cosleeping, breastfeeding 11 month old either.)

Why don't you express some milk for her and see if she will take it. Also discuss with him that you want it to happen but after thinking about it you need to plan better and maybe aim for the 12 month age and suggest he has her overnight for her birthday or something. I'm sure a solution can be found and it sounds like you'd benefit from a bit of a break X

He left her when she was four months old? And now he wants to take her away from the mother she sleeps with a breast feeds from before she's a year old, so he can get his turn of having her? He has zero interest in her well being.

If he wants to bond with her, he needs to ask the person who didn;t walk out on her what the best way to go about it would be. You're the expert. He should respect your insight.

Why is it in your babies' best interests to be separated from you all night long?

I can't think of one single reason to deliberately put her in a situation where she is extremely likely to be very distressed indeed and even distraught! All night long.

You have no idea how he will cope with that scenario either-an inconsolable baby can be very frustrating.

This is more about his wants and needs and not the child's and I'd be very concerned that he cannot see this. It's a definite no from me at this stage.

I'd make him practice at your home overnight when the time does eventually come for overnight stays. At least baby would be in familiar surroundings and you'd be sleeping on the sofa close to hand

There is no way I would allow this. I bf and co sleep with my 16mo. It is not normal for babies to sleep through the night. God I hate that term.

WHO recommends bf til two and beyond.

Littlegrub2 I really feel for you. You sound like a wonderful mother.
I disagree totally with previous posters saying she won’t remember the distress etc etc. My dh is severely mentally ill, a big part of which stems back to his childhood and feelings of emotional rejection - a lot of which were when he was a baby. He might not specifically ‘remember’ the occasions he was left with a relative whilst his sister was taken on holiday (before he was 1) but feelings of rejection can certainly start from birth.
I would also say that in my experience of breastfeeding my children for over 18 months only helped to increase their independence. They knew that I was there for them and have all grown up into mature, independent young people.
I know you have agreed for your dd to go to stay but that isn’t set in stone and it is ABSOLUTELY ok for you to tell her father that you have been worried and rethinking and feel that it would be much too distressing for her at the moment. I think it’s possible that if you went ahead and she was very upset, it might then mean she becomes much more wary of wanting to leave you in the short term. THis could then mean that even if her dad wanted to take her out for an hour or something that she would then not want to go at all if you see what i mean.
You can always arrange another night in the future but if you go ahead and she is exceedingly distressed you can’t undo that and it is always really difficult to live with those sort of regrets. Thinking of you.