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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
Otterturk · 29/10/2017 04:49

No

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2017 05:06

Your baby is too young. I breastfed til dd was 2 1/2. What a load of crap about the baby getting too old. I didn’t feed her to sleep though during the night as she slept through but different babies and mothers have different experiences. If it isn’t court led, I wouldn’t let this go ahead yet.

wheresthel1ght · 29/10/2017 05:12

If he took you to court he would win overnight contact so I think you need to help facilitate this.

Can you try giving her a bottle overnight so she is aware of it and used to it in preparation?

I think you are being unfair to him, he is her father and she has a right to bond with him too.

I stayed with my sister recently, her dh was on nights, her toddler was ill and her baby was poorly. He is combination fed but he coslept with me fine and took a bottle without issue. She loves a fair distance from us so this was the first time he had been dealt with by me at night.

Babies are more resilient than we give them credit for. Let her go, smile, support it and see how it goes.

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 05:29

It is very, very sad that your DH supported breastfeeding and co sleeping of his little one when you were a couple and it's rather telling that wants trumps the needs of his child.

At 11 months, is there really any point in introducing a bottle? You might also want to check safe co-sleeping practices. I'm not sure that a breastfed baby should be co sleeping with anyone other than parents.

I'm sorry that it sounds you may have to express. This in itself may not be easy for you and very time consuming, but at least you know you will be doing something to put your child's best interests first.

Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 05:37

I refused to even think about my dad staying at her dad's overnight until she was over 3, I.e old enough to articulate her needs and more importantly to tell me if something was wrong. Even then it has taken another 2 yrs before she's happy to go regularly, and sometimes she'd rather come home so that's what she does.

It is a lot of energy being that firm with the other party, but it was so worth it.

As your baby is so young I'm guessing you've not long split up with the father (by not long I mean less than two years) so I think you need to consider that it's not about access to the child it's about messing with YOU. And what better way to mess with a mummy than takin away her child she's still bf? There's no thought for the child there.

I wouldn't let your baby go overnight - listen to your instincts, never mind what a doctor/HV would say. I know it's hard but it's worth it in the long run for the wellbeing of your child emotionally and mentally.

Wishing you best of luck - having been there, I know it's not easy at all.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 29/10/2017 05:46

I hate to point out the obvious here, but ALL BABIES ARE DIFFERENT!!! My ds would never take a bottle day or night at 11 months (or any stage) he would have been incredibly distressed, sobbing and screaming to the point of stopping breathing if he woke and found me and his source of comfort gone!

This is incredibly selfish of the op's ex!! He would rather traumatise his young baby son just to have him overnight!!! I would happily agree to baby being brought back in the evening and collected again in the morning. Its cruel to force this separation when it is unnecessary!! Why does being his Father give him any right to override his child's needs? Exactly how is a screaming, traumatised baby going to help increase the bond between father and son? My dh didn't need me to traumatise our son just so he could bond!!! Bonding is done when a child is awake! If anything forcing this will result in op's son associating staying with his father, with trauma, distress and being torn away from his safe place, Mummy and source of comfort.

Op can you offer for your ex to bath your D's perhaps once or twice a week, followed by a bedtime story. After which your ex leaves and you can feed to sleep? I honestly feel sick for you at the thought of handing your baby over for overnight visitation. I would ask your ex if he honestly wants his child to spend all night screaming, traumatised and incredibly distressed, just so they can bond!!! Warn him that your baby son is not too young to then associate distress and trauma with going with Daddy!

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 05:51

Italiangreyhound's posts are excellent!

MagicMoneyTree · 29/10/2017 06:47

My DS was older than yours the first time DH had him overnight and we are still a couple! It just wouldn’t have worked for me to have left him that young, so I didn’t. DH did plenty of waking up at night, nappy changes and winding, etc but when it came to feeds DS wanted me so that’s what he got.

Your baby is still really little and reliant on you for comfort when she wakes, so you wouldn’t be unreasonable not to leave her. And she’s not getting too old for breastfeeding!!

I can’t understand the people on this thread who think that just because their baby was sleeping through or just because theirs could be left at night, that this should be the case for the op who has already stated that she co-sleeps and her baby feeds throughout the night! Ffs surely you can see that this is more about what the father wants than what’s best for his child??

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 06:51

Thank you for the replies.

He left when she was 4 months old.

I wouldn’t be able to sleep on his sofa or collect her at any time as I have other young children (not his) who would be in bed. I hate the thought of him putting her screaming and crying into a car seat, albeit it’s a short drive.

I will read the links posted, thank you x

OP posts:
BusyBeez99 · 29/10/2017 06:56

I went on holiday for three days when our DS was 8 months old and left him with my mum. He was fine. Although by then he had last milk at 10pm then didn’t wake too 5am.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

MoNigheanDonn · 29/10/2017 06:58

My son is 16m, we bf and are currently still bedsharing - in your situation there is no way my son would be staying away overnight. My husband is well aware that there is no way he could even get him to sleep initially, never mind the night wakings (he still wakes quite a bit!) I honestly think if this goes ahead your lo will be returned to you not long after a failed bedtime attempt tbh.

I completely understand your X wanting to see his child but more time.in the day would be a better option all round imo

voxnihili · 29/10/2017 07:03

I'm not a parent so my view is probably worthless but my niece stayed with her dad from just a few weeks old (no pressure from the dad, it was a mutual agreement). I did wonder at the time whether it was the right thing as she was so little but it has been fine. She is incredibly adaptable as it is all she has ever known, mum enjoys her free time and dad has turned out to be an amazing father, despite having no experience of children. My niece has routines and her mum and dad are very careful that they do the same things at each house as much as possible.

outofmydepth45 · 29/10/2017 07:04

A court would not award overnights the wants of the father do not over ride the needs of a child.

I would say no to overnights but look to how you can build to them in the future, i.e collecting post bed time routine in dressing gown, longer stints in the day.

At this age it would be cruel to your child to wait for the inevitable 2am call

Nquartz · 29/10/2017 07:05

I knew someone in a similar situation but her DS was 18 months, court did not order overnights as she co slept & still breastfed through the night.

Personally I agree he's being selfish & this isn't in her best interests. When I was breastfeeding through the night DD wouldn't have settled for anyone or anything else.

A PP posed a good question, do you think he is planning to give her a bottle when she wakes up?

I would also worry about my supply being affected, you'll need to pump overnight to keep it up.

Barmaid101 · 29/10/2017 07:08

Your child has a right to a close replationshio with her father as well as a close relationship with you. Why should a mothers need trump that of the father/daughter relationship.
Children have two parents not one, don't be so selfish trying to keep the child to yourself.

MoodyOne · 29/10/2017 07:12

As others have said above it’s not the father that matters in this, it’s the baby. The LO sole comfort is BF and co sleeping why risk taking that away from a baby who cannot communicate and leave them in a unfamiliar surrounding.
I bet if you woke up in someone else bed after spending all of your life with your mum you would be scared.
I may have missed it as I read this at 4 am but can he not see the LO during the day? Could he stay at yourse overnight? Just so you are close by ?
I understand he need a relationship with the LO but that doesn’t need to be at this age so young ... my BF LO will not be spending the night anywhere until he is night weaned and we not planning (haha) on that until at least 15 months x

artisancraftbeer · 29/10/2017 07:13

Contact is all about meeting the needs of the child to know both it’s parents. If that contact would leave the child (and quite probably the father) screaming all next get, unable to settle and panicking with no sleep, it isn’t the right sort of contact.

Sofabitch · 29/10/2017 07:15

What is her contact with him like? Do they see each other regularly and have a close bond? Does she take a bottle at all?

If she has a good attatchment to dad and will take a bottle then perhaos id be tempted to try.

But if not there is no way.

Most courts wouldnt award this at this age. Of course their are other ways for dad to get quality time.

WonderLime · 29/10/2017 07:16

Why should a mothers need trump that of the father/daughter relationship.

This isn’t about the mother’s needs - it’s about the needs of the baby. In the child’s needs always trump either parent.

It is disruptive and cruel to remove a BF, co-sleeping baby from her usual environment simply for the want of the father.

This does not mean that the father can’t essentially have her right up until bedtime or pick her up first thing in the morning.

Dsmummy · 29/10/2017 07:16

Barmaid it’s the baby’s needs that are creating the issue not the mothers.

ProperLavs · 29/10/2017 07:22

No way would I let a child that young who Bf spend a night away from me.

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 07:23

Barmaid101 Why does having a baby overnight equate to a close relationship? OP is not being selfish at all, nor is she trying to keep the child to herself. She is the only one that can provide breastmilk for the baby, who wakes 3 to 4 times a night for it and is therefore clearly considering the needs of their child. The child's father is not considering the needs of the child, he is considering his own want.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2017 07:25

I wouldn't. She's not even a year old. It is not a reasonable thing to be asking IMO. Why overnight anyway? If she does sleep peacefully he won't be having "quality time" in her company. Best that he takes her for outings etc during the day, for quite a while yet.

Not all babies sleep through at a year btw. I'd go so far as to claim that most wake a little even if they settle again, and waking to find themselves in unfamiliar surroundings (even with the light off it'll sound and smell different) is very likely to unsettle them. Whether they "ought" to sleep through is another matter on which I have my own opinion (my opinion being that there is no such thing as "ought" in this context).

Elkilil · 29/10/2017 07:36

Can you ask your ex for some extra time but agree on a time frame, then at least you have time to help your child adjust. I do think overnight visits form a special bond. Putting a child to bed and being the first face they see In the morning is pretty special, My DP loves having his child over night, they used to co sleep when the child was younger and it was a special time for them.

NoFuckingWay · 29/10/2017 07:37

He wouldn't necessarily get overnight contact straight away if he went to court actually. My ex wanted overnights straight away from when he got unsupervised contact and the judge agreed with me that no it's not appropriate yet until our son who has ASD has settled with dad in the day time and dad is confident he can take care of him alone then before he tackles nights (son doesn't sleep through and never has aged 6).

Different circumstances obviously to OP but just wanted to reiterate that there's no automatic response on any sort of contact they emphasise it's the children that matter most and not that parents although it doesn't always feel that way at times and your baby is frankly going to benefit very little from overnights right now. In fact it would be detrimental to her.

What are your ex's reasons for wanting overnights btw? Is it to reduce maintenance, impress someone or is it because he just fancies being awake all night long with an inconsolable baby who'd much rather be with her mum?