To not want her to go.

[littlegrub2]

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

I haven't read all of the posts, but have made my way through 4 pages of them and note that you said:

He left you when your baby was around 4 months old;
He works 10-15 hour days, 6 days a week
He doesn't pay you any maintenance ...

My suggestions are as follows:
Ask the relevant authorities to start taking maintenance monies directly from his salary;
Once he starts contributing to his daughter, then he can start 'asking' you for contact with his daughter.

You owe him nothing, so do what is best for your child and keep them with you until they decide they no longer wish to breastfeed.

On another note, I don't think you mention whether he has a new girlfriend now. If he has, I expect his requests are him just wanting to pretend to play happy families with her.

Don't be pressured into doing something that you know in your gut is not the right thing to do by your child. End of.

Tell him to jump in a lake. I breast fed both dc and absolutely no way will she be okay. He's a selfish blank blank blank to suggest such a thing. You are well rid of him as is your dd.

I would ask him why. I would also be suspicious. It is a ridiculous request or, sounds like, demand.

Stand up to him now bc this is so important and he will only bully you more. I would even go to court.

Weaning is difficult, your dc is not old enough to comprehend not having you when she needs you. I can tell you from personal experience, as a child, not having your mother when you don't understand, unexpectedly doesn't leave you....I'm referring to my memories, not my dc.

OP, it seems telling that you refer to your older children as having a 'sleepover' with their father. Do you see parenting as being the mother's role, and fun dad is only responsible for sleepovers? Do you consider your children as having 'sleepovers' on the remaining nights with you?

I agree with other posters that there's serious hypocrisy at play here. If you needed reassurance about leaving your child with grandparents overnight, you'd be supported. But here, a father wants to care for his own child, who is no longer a tiny baby and completely dependent on its mother, and he gets slated.

Yes, the money situation needs sorting but that's a separate issue. Yes, you need to do right by your child and come to an arrangement - whether through the official channels or informally. But remember that being with your own child is not pay-per-view.

I would not let an 11 month old who is used to co-sleeping with mum and still breastfeeds at night stay away as there is a high chance it would be distressing for the child. Trust your instinct, baby's interests first. At the very least I would stay on the sofa to be on hand if she got distressed. There is no way I would leave her alone overnight at this stage.

If he left because he couldn't deal with it, why does he think that he can deal with it now? He still works 10-15 hours a day 6 days a week... Parental rights aside, that fact with the lack of understanding of the need for financial support makes me feel very uncomfortable. Absolutely no way I'd be comfortable with overnight visits until he could prove that he was actually going to cope with every aspect of looking after a baby that age, not just night soothing.

OP please reread Hebenon post a few times.

I see you have disappeared, you probably don't like us criticising the man you love. Maybe having everyone agree with you too feels overwhelming.

His not paying for his child but still wanting contact when he wants it is a big thing. Perhaps you haven't realised.

She is not a pretty little doll for him to play with, she is a human being with needs and wants who needs her parents to provide a roof over her head and fuel and food etc. And the same for you as her primary carer. You are NOT expecting too much. It's your body that provides the milk and the love, plus you have other children.

I'm really worried about you op because I think he is taking advantage of your kind nature. Please at least check back in with us to let us know you are ok even if you feel unable to take our advice right now.

I agree with other posters that there's serious hypocrisy at play here. If you needed reassurance about leaving your child with grandparents overnight, you'd be supported. But here, a father wants to care for his own child, who is no longer a tiny baby and completely dependent on its mother, and he gets slated.

Ummm, she’s not asking whether she’s being U about letting her baby having a ‘sleepover’ (I’ll call it this because they would be sleeping over....) at the grandparents.... She’s breastfeeding and co-sleeping, hence the reluctance for her baby to have a ‘sleepover’ at the ex’s. Seriously, it’s like reverse misogyny!

What if she said “my ex walked out on me and our 4 month old as he couldn’t handle it. He doesn’t pay any maintenance yet makes £80/90k through his business. I don’t stop him from ever wanting to see his now 11 month old daughter but he’s now demanding she stay over with him at his place. AIBU if I say no? By the way I’m still breastfeeding and she wakes every 3 to 4 hours and currently only settles when I feed her. ”

Ok totally cheesy but just to let you know people actually care OP, I was listening to the radio today online and little mix shout out to my ex reminded me of you. Sorry it wasn't something cooler!

But I don't think you are going to get this mans respect until you formalise the payments from him and until you show him you are the expert with your own children.

None of my 3 stopped breastfeeding before they were 1, and actually, was nearer to 2 years old (youngest I stopped her 2 weeks before her 2nd birthday as I was due to have an OP)

No. They didn’t sleep overnights elsewhere whilst we still breastfed.

The WHO says age 2 in the minimum age babies ought to be breastfed to (but here I listened to my boys who stopped themselves at 13 months for one, and 19 for the other)

I personally wouldn’t send her yet :(

Good luck, whatever you decide xx

However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay?

So you are not really concerned with the welfare of your child, but more on winning a pissing contest with your ex. If you were really concerned about your daughter you would be delighted if she were able to enjoy a good night's sleep at her father's house.

And so you should stop using your child as pawn in your animus with her father, which is contemptible behaviour by any standards.

I suspect he's assuming that your dc is sleeping through and no longer breastfeeding. My dd was breastfed until 18 months but only twice, then once a day before bedtime. She never had a bottle and went straight to cups. However she was fine if I wasn't around and had a different routine. I think it is definitely something that should be happening in the next few months and you should find that a lot will change in the next month. My dd definitely went from baby to toddler! Hopefully you'll feel more comfortable but let him have a try.

I agree with Schadenfreude.
Please say no, OP.
You can reconsider when you've weaned her. If he's any kind of father he'll understand that.

Geordie you have basically stated the opposite of what Op has said.

What's your issue?

None of what you have said is true at all.

I'm sorry but you can't just come on a thread and dump your own personal shit without reading the full fucking thread. Dump your shit elsewhere mate.

I've read a few pages but I'm getting the rage just thinking about this so haven't rtft. YADNBU. Your dd will be upset and I wouldn't put such a young child through that. No way. As you know, you're her main source of comfort. Yes she still needs the milk at her age. Absolute rubbish that she doesn't need it. It's recommended babies are bf til age 2...at least.
So 11m is definitely NOT too old or whatever.

My dd is 2.4m, she has only recently weaned down to bf for a minute or two to get off to sleep. She's weaned in her own time. There's been times I wanted to give up but she wasn't having any of it. I bf my other 3 and I couldn't have let them go overnight anywhere while bf.

She still wakes in the night for a cuddle and we still bedshare. I'm fine with this until she's ready to sleep alone. In her own time.
My dh looks after her/ the others while I work and has done since she was about 14m but only during the day and I had to leave ebm for her for about 3m.
She doesn't let him put her to bed either, she wants me to do it and that's fine.

Your ex is being totally selfish and not thinking of his daughter or her needs at all.
Overnight stays are something to work up to . He needs to firstly spend more time with her so she gets to know him better and secondly put himself in her shoes.

For very young children/babies contact needs to be frequent, not long. There is absolutely no benefit in overnight stays at this age. If the baby is settled and happy with their other parent and used to staying overnight then this is no issue but otherwise, sleepovers can wait, I reckon about 2 is reasonable but only if it makes sense and DC is used to spending extended time with the NRP at this age e.g. a whole day. Otherwise 3 or 4 seems reasonable since at that age they should have worked up to whole weekends or a few days at a time.

I honestly think sometimes it is a status thing. Like having the child(ren) overnight proves something, when it should be about what's best for them, which when they are little, is spending the majority of the time with the primary carer and seeing the other parent as often as possible. Babies under a year don't want to spend time with somebody once a week to build a bond, they need to see them ideally every day but if that isn't possible (and it probably isn't practical), 2-4 times a week, preferably during times when they are happy and relaxed and able to interact, not when they're trying to sleep, especially if still dependant on a parent at night.

Overnights make much more sense when a DC is able to stay with the NRP for longer periods of time. You said he sees her once or twice a week, how long does he have her for at the moment?

I would be tempted to draw up a plan which stretches out the time of visits until an overnight is feasible. If he works so much I can't see when he is going to fit this in anyway. Is he planning to take her to childcare as well? Do you use childcare or are you a SAHM?

I wonder if it is slightly a territorial thing ie he doesn't agree with the breastfeeding and co-sleeping so this is his way of muscling in and trying to make that stop. It would be massively cheeky if that were the case since he was the one who left and even if he did have her once a week or once every two weeks, you'd still be doing 85-90% of the night time parenting, therefore you ought to do what works for you.

Dd2 was bf to 18 months. I left my exh when I was pg with her. By 10 months I was ready to give overnights a go as she was having day contact with expressed milk. The first couple of nights I had to go and fetch her it wasn’t great but exh persevered and settled her after that. I co slept so exh co slept. I think it helped him bond with her but also she was v hard work around that age - he had to man up.

Op you need to give it a try.

Lots of handwringing on this thread

YANBU, I wouldn't have allowed my DC to be away from me overnight at 11 months. I breastfed/feed my DC, DS until 15 months and DD is still breastfed before daytime nap and before bed/through the night at 2.1YO. Nothing else settles her, if I refuse her, then she gets very distressed and cries in my arms (I don't know how long she would cry for, the longest I could stand hr crying while I cuddled her and rocked her was half an hour - I gave in and breastfed her for ten minutes and we could both go back to sleep again.)

Those saying it would be different if the OP wanted to go out for the evening and leave baby with GPs, nope, wrong. I can't speak for the OP but I haven't even had a night out in over two years, let alone an overnight stay without my DC because I KNOW how distressing my breastfed DD would find it. If I had to now, I could leave DD overnight but I wouldn't want to and would worry about her.

WRT too old for breastfeeding now or babies should be sleeping through the night by [insert stupidly young age] that's a load of nonesense.

I also think he's mugging you off and playing on your emotions. He should be paying you maintenance, if he's being evasive/awkward, just go through the official channels.

I would back out of it and agree to over night stays when she is older and used to not breast feeding. I really feel for you though as this is a hard situation. It feels to me though that you have earned a lot more right to make decisions about her welfare and care than he has. Best of luck.

Hugs
I was in your position
Baby was 13 months when split
17 months when first stopped over with dad
It was fine
Give it another 6 months
Put your child first
Ex is being very childish
You sound and lovely woman
Put your foot down now
You are stronger than you think
Good luck x

Be aware that your milk flow may diminish/stop if not drawn on.

At 11 months, milk supply will not be affected by an overnight dip in demand.

Could you go with her and sleep on the sofa, just for her first time there? That way you can settle her in the night if nothing else works. Hopefully once will be enough to make him see sense but your DD won't suffer in the meantime.

I wouldn't let her go. She has a sleeping routine and will expect to smell you and her milk. I do not think it's worth distressing her routine. There are many years ahead for sleep overs with daddy when she is off the breast. If he can't understand that then it's his selfish problem (unless you have a very good reason to send her overnight .

Although your DD recognises her father he does not spend a great deal of time with her during the week. To suddenly be left alone with him for what will seem to her, like an eternity, not knowing if she will ever see you again, feeling rejected by you, has the potential to affect her attachment to you. She is too young to understand and is not used to her father caring for her for such a lengthy period.
Take care -- you may regret agreeing to his demands.
When young children are transitioned into adoptive homes the overnight stay comes after a period of daytime care etc