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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 29/10/2017 08:56

Did he get up in the night with her when he lived with you?

Suspect not, which is why you ended up co-sleeping and BF all night.

HeadlessHorsemad · 29/10/2017 08:58

No way would I agree to this; she is too young. Stand your ground OP and don't be bullied.
You have to do what is right for the child.

Ttbb · 29/10/2017 08:59

YANBU. She's going to scream up a storm and he'll never ask for her through the night again.

m0therofdragons · 29/10/2017 09:06

This thread is really sad. It’s all about mothers “not allowing” fathers to do things. Mothers don’t automatically get the boss role. Men get slated for walking away from dc but when he wants to have his child overnight that’s wrong too.

Co sleeping is what works for you but he has a right to have his dc and find what works for him.

Cynical me wonders whether it’s more to do with maintenance payments reducing if df has overnights. If you wanted to support a relationship with your dd’s father you’d try it and express your milk.

Would I want to? No, but from a daughter’s point of view I’d be so hurt if I found out dm prevented my df having me to stay. How can a baby be too young to be in her father’s care? Your parenting style doesn’t trump df’s I’m afraid.

MyDearAnnie · 29/10/2017 09:07

You've agreed to it, so it's going to happen.

She's a baby, she won't remember. It won't be any more distressing to her than a night in hospital or a hotel.

I would curl myself up with a cup of tea and a book and leave him to it.

If she is fine, then maybe once a week wouldn't be so bad (afterall, she has a right to a relationship with both of you), but my experience of 11 month olds tells me that she'll scream for hours, not settle, he'll be up all night with her and never ask again.

lottieandmia22 · 29/10/2017 09:07

No, I would not allow this. YANBU - she’s still a baby. You aren’t denying contact you’re just doing what’s best for your child.

RoseGoldEagle · 29/10/2017 09:13

Seriously though, she should really be sleeping through the night at this age, or certainly for a large portion of it 6-7 hours at least?

I wish my one year old knew that 😂😂 Am also co-sleeping and breastfeeding several times at night OP. Regardless of other people's opinions of that, it's what you're doing, and it's not fair on your baby to suddenly stop that, she will be confused and upset and it seems completely unnecessary.

He can still have access during the day, and you can start to try and reduce the night feeds gradually (I say- I wish I actually knew how!!), but I'd be clear with him that until she's settled at night without you- he is not having her overnight.

I do agree with other posters though that if he has her for a night and she screams the place down, he might rethink!

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 09:17

NotnowBernard. How is breastfeeding a baby a want and need of a Mother?

Inertia · 29/10/2017 09:17

The needs of the baby outweigh the demands of the father or the mother. It makes me sad that so many women bang on about the father's rights, when it's the baby that has rights and the parents have responsibilities.

The OP is not preventing contact, the father already sees his child. OP doesn't want the baby to become distressed.

AnnabellaH · 29/10/2017 09:19

m0therofdragons firstly the baby trumps any needs of the father. Secondly not everyone who breast feeds can pump or express. Babies also bottle refuse.

You reply is frankly saddening.

This isn't about the Mum or Dad, this is about the baby and any decent parent with half a brain would know that overnights for a bf baby away from it's main comfort and food source would do more harm than good.

BewareOfDragons · 29/10/2017 09:20

I think you could perfectly reasonably say no.

I also think you could say you'll try it to see how it goes,, but you're not going to bail him out if the baby is distressed. If he can't cope and the baby has to come home in the middle of the night due to distress, etc, that's it until breastfeeding and night feeds are done.

Izzy24 · 29/10/2017 09:21

Was just going to post exactly what Annabella has said.

It’s really straightforward.

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 09:22

Skarossinkplunger Yes. That is EXACTLY what Italiangreyhound said Hmm

KarateKitten · 29/10/2017 09:24

It's not reasonable or fair, no. But society doesn't really give a shit. If the mother wanted to head off for a night for an event and left her 11 mth old with her parents nobody would go on and on and on about the psychological damage and misery the baby would suffer not getting its unnecessary breadtfeeds overnight. Everyone (except the few who wouldn't like it themselves) would be saying go, have fun, babies often manage great when mum is away.

Let's just be honest here. The mum doesn't want it. End of story.

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 09:24

Mother of dragons Both parents chose the parenting style originally. Now it doesn't suit one parent, baby should be maybe to adapt? Who is really trumping who here?

Ginglealltheway · 29/10/2017 09:25

Baby should be made to adapt that should have read.

KarateKitten · 29/10/2017 09:25

Beware, I've spent a few nights away from my bf baby, once weaned. They amazingly slept through without me there disturbing them despite usually waking multiple times a night for a feed cosleeping.

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 09:26

Motherofdragons your post is so judgemental.

This is about her. I am absolutely exhausted, a night without her would probably do me a world of good. But she is very close to me, and breastfeeding is her comfort, and I don’t want to upset her.

Parenting style doesn’t trump his? Does he have boobs? That’s her comfort Confused

He doesn’t pay maintenance so it’s nothing to do with that.

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 29/10/2017 09:27

These anti-overnight posts are so transparent. Dressed up as 'concern' for the baby's welfare.

HeadlessHorsemad · 29/10/2017 09:27

The point being KarateKitten that the mother most likely WOULDN'T head off for an evening, if she is B/F...

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 29/10/2017 09:28

Whilst I understand your reticence, I also understand his needs and wants as a Father. Why shouldn't he spend more than a few hours under one roof with his child?

Most decent, loving, parents recognise the needs and wants of the child come first. Every time. Often at the expense of their own, as grown ups are able to rationalise situations, where babies/toddlers aren't.

YANBU OP. There are other ways you can facilitate extra contact that don't involve upsetting the child.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 29/10/2017 09:28

YANBU. She still needs you at night, whether it's convenient or not. If she took a bottle at night and would sleep in a cot that would be different. He can't expect her to be torn away from her routine and comfort overnight. If he wants her overnight you need to prepare for it over several weeks, even months by trying to gradually introduce a bottle (of breastmilk or whatever you'd rather do) and a cot. If you and her are not ready to begin that gradual transition then she is definitely not ready to stay at her dad's. It's not selfish or one sided, it's fact and it's putting your daughter first as it should be.

Also she is NOT too old for bedsharing and breastfeeding. Current recommendation is breastfeeding to 2 years I believe (I only made it to 15 months though!)

HeadlessHorsemad · 29/10/2017 09:29

OP, let him take you to court if he's THAT keen on overnight visitation rights.

And why isn't he paying maintenance? YOU are doing everything for this child, so do not let him bully you.

MagicMoneyTree · 29/10/2017 09:30

Yes because a mother who is breastfeeding frequently throughout the night must be “dressing up” the fact that she thinks her baby might not cope well without her at night. She can’t possibly be genuinely concerned that her baby will be upset!

Why doesn’t he pay maintenance?

KarateKitten · 29/10/2017 09:31

Headless bf parents DO often take a night away. But that's inconvenient to this argument.

The child doesn't need its mum, there's other people for example the child's father who can do a perfectly responsible and good job of looking after the child overnight.....but again, that's pretty inconvenient to the argument.