Man asked for kiss from my four year old daughter

[thickgit]

So, we were at the fair/fireworks this evening and my daughter was having turns on the giant inflatable slide. The man running it was about 75 I would say, and kept asking my daughter for a high five when she reached the bottom. When her goes were finished he bent down and pointed to his cheek, asking for her to give him a kiss. Thankfully, I was close enough to be able to step in and said no, no kissing thank you.
My daughter asked why not. That was tricky. The first thing that came out of my mouth was 'we don't kiss people we don't know' then I said 'only mummy, daddy and brother' . My daughter replied 'but I kiss Pamela' (girl in her class, not real name). I said that was okay.
Gosh, it's so tricky to get this stuff right! I appreciate any advice on what to say to my daughter to help keep her safe, that is age appropriate and that won't scare or confuse her
I'd also like your opinion on the scenario. I'm glad I stopped her kissing him. When the firework display started I went up to the man and said "you are out of order asking little girls for kisses, that's not on, I'm going to report you" He said nothing apart from Okay and he looked sheepish. This may have been one hundred percent innocent. . . Little old man who genuinely adores children.
Did I over react in your opinion? What would you have done in this situation?

And your point related. to this event in uk is what?
What have you added to this conversation

I wouldn't want anyone to be put off from reporting to the police because of ignorant comments posted on this thread. It is absolutely the case that paedophiles are sometimes identified and convicted because people took the time to report minor concerns or events, or situations which would not necessarily be criminal in their own right.

We holidayed in italy this summer where ny children received a lot of attention including kisses. Some of you should just report the whole of Italy to the police

Bully for you. Maybe you should rethink your attitude about people having univited physical contact with your children.

Nobody is suggesting adults should be unfriendly towards children or not pay attention to children. If it is not ok for a man to ask you for a kiss and you be expected to oblige why is it ok to ask a child for a kiss and the child be expected to oblige?

This would set my alarm bells ringing too - if only because, at least in my experience, most men are absolutely paranoid about being seen to be inappropriate with children. I always remember taking my DD to a wildlife park place on holiday; think she was about 2 or 3 at the time. They had tigers you could see from a glass enclosure and she was very excited and was trying to get her photo taken "with" a tiger. Long story short, she ran into a photo being taken of the tigers by a man, aged about 70, who was there with his wife. He was absolutely mortified. I heard him say to his wife, "Oh my God, Sheila, I've just taken a picture of that little girl". He rushed over to me, apologising and insisted that I watch him delete it. I told him it was quite all right, that he hadn't done anything wrong in the slightest and that he had absolutely no need to apologise (and, if an apology were necessary, it was for me to apologise for my DD spoiling his photo by running into it!). But he was clearly flustered. And I suspect that is more the norm these days than the scenario described by the OP, so I can entirely see why it bothered her.

We holidayed in italy this summer where ny children received a lot of attention including kisses. Some of you should just report the whole of Italy to the police.

Cultural norms are different there. That's a crucial point to bear in mind.

"We holidayed in italy this summer where ny children received a lot of attention including kisses."

Why would you let strangers kiss your children? THEY are small, they can't consent. YOU are the one who should know better. Whether it's friendly or not, you should not be teaching them that anyone is entitled to a piece of them (however small that piece is).

"Cultural norms are different there."

I would argue that these "cultural norms" allow for abuse to happen within plain sight. I have lived in a South American country for the past six years and this is exactly what happens. It is hard to teach your children boundaries in amongst all the patting and hugging that is acceptable within the society, and a lot of people are realising this now and in the country where I live (which has an absolutely dire record for child sex abuse) there is a cultural shift going on.

"^ totally inappropriate. Why would a small child show affection on demand to a complete stranger? Stop trying to normalise behaviour which is completely inappropriate."

Did you read the post you think is inappropriate. I'm not commenting on the old man's behaviour- obviously that's not on. I'm challenging the statement that no adult should ever ask a child for a kiss.

Kissing is and will always have a sexual connection whether you want to admit it or not.

Yep. This is precisely the bit I have a problem with. It is saying that parents kissing their children is sexual.

Most folk don't want random strange old men kissing there kids

Well obviously. If that is your only point then I agree, but you've been unclear. If you are saying that ALL kissing is sexual then I disagree strongly.

I wouldn't be looking to Italy as a role model for body autonomy. Did you see the reaction to the Harvey Weinstein scandal there? Press and politicians roundly blaming the Italian actress who was the first to call the producer out.

"You clearly are incapable of understanding the difference between asking for a kiss and people, of any age, voluntarily kissing. Which is quite worrying."

Apparently you are incapable of expressing yourself in a polite or reasonable way.

It would be bang out of order for this man to ask a 16 or a 60 year old man or woman for a kiss- why is it ok because it was a 3 year old?

But that isn't what you said. If your point is that strangers shouldn't ask kids for kisses, then I agree. If you think no-one should EVER ask a child for a kiss, then I think that's potty. Part of why I ask my DDs for their goodnight kiss is so they know they can say no when they don't feel like it.

I'm challenging the statement that no adult should ever ask a child for a kiss

In what circumstances should an adult be able to ask for a kiss? Do you go around asking people for kisses? If not why are children fair game?

Part of why I ask my DDs for their goodnight kiss is so they know they can say no when they don't feel like it.

That makes no sense whatsoever.

It should be up to your daughters to decide if they want to give you a kiss- not for you to ask.

There is a difference between not wanting your child to be kissed by random stranger to calling the police.

I wonder how many people on here are sending their children to scouts and Brownies. Now that I would be careful of. These organisations are practically run by the local peado squad.

"In what circumstances should an adult be able to ask for a kiss? Do you go around asking people for kisses? If not why are children fair game?"

As I said in PP- I certainly ask my own children for a kiss. I would kiss or hug goodbye to adults I'm close to.

It would help if you clarified what you mean. Are you saying that ALL kissing is sexual? Are you seriously saying parents should never ask their child for a kiss?

If you are just talking about strangers like this old man, then we are not disagreeing; but that is not what you said.

"Part of why I ask my DDs for their goodnight kiss is so they know they can say no when they don't feel like it." That makes no sense whatsoever.

I shall try to explain: My parents assume that children should kiss or hug hello/goodbye/goodnight etc. My DW, to an extent, feels the same. I've been quite forceful about the idea that they should be able to say no. Toddlers are often grumpy and don't want physical contact. By enforcing that this is OK they learn they have the right to control their own bodies.

Personally I think there is every possibility the man had no paedophile intentions .

More likely he is simply part of the large category of people who seem to think foisting kisses on , or demanding kisses from, people under a certain age is fine, whether or not the person wants to be kissed/give kisses.

Stillpissingdown "Kissing is and will always have a sexual connection whether you want to admit it or not."

Don't be ridiculous.

This is so extreme. Kissing is definitely not always sexual. Try telling that to the old men in rural France who still greet one another with ‘deux bises’, a kiss on either cheek.

This fear of men is bordering on mass hysteria. It brings to mind Arthur Millers ‘Crucible’ with women being denounced as witches on the flimsiest excuses.

I helped a 3.5 year old girl off a high piece of play equipment the other day, she was stuck and her ‘nanny’ was somewhere in the distance on her phone. Should be what any adult would do but I thought long and hard about alternative solutions before I just thought ‘sod it’ and lifted her safely down. But I took a risk doing so. The alternative risk was her falling 6 foot or so.

Asking for a kiss on the cheek in public. Not what any educated and up-to-date person would do now but maybe he was not that educated and up to date.

Wait? Close relatives shouldn't be asking permission for kisses? Its a bloody minefield these days. I agree strangers shouldn't be asking but aunts, uncles, grandparents? I always ask my grandkids if it's ok to have a kiss/hug when they're leaving because I like to give them a choice, I don't want them to feel obliged like I felt as a child. mostly they do but sometimes they don't - youngest gs prefers fist bumps - and either way it's ok but now I'm rethinking the whole thing.

Some of the attitudes on here are exactly how these fuckers get away with their vile shit for so long.

My own son (5) told me that he doesn't really like kisses, so I don't kiss him. He can decide for himself what physical contact he wants and I would never try to give the impression that he should kiss or hug someone.

Larry you’re conflating three things
1.briefly assisting a child to ascend from a height to prevent falling
2.stranger inappropriately asking child for a kiss

1. The social norms and salutations of France

None of these things detract from the fact op was right to report the man at the fair

You’re absolutely right to be horrified, OP, it was so inappropriate of that man to ask for a kiss from a 4 year old he doesn’t know. I faced similar behaviour vis a vis my DD2 at a summer drama club both my DDs were attending. The director kept wanting to touch DD2 and call her cute. He said he was going to ‘take her away’, it scared her to death and made her very clingy, she was just about to start school which wasn’t great timing. It freaked me out, as a survey of childhood SA.

I didn’t speak up though, I wasn’t sure if I was being paranoid because of my past. Well done for confronting him. Yes you could report him, the man could be on their radar already.