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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man asked for kiss from my four year old daughter

215 replies

thickgit · 28/10/2017 22:22

So, we were at the fair/fireworks this evening and my daughter was having turns on the giant inflatable slide. The man running it was about 75 I would say, and kept asking my daughter for a high five when she reached the bottom. When her goes were finished he bent down and pointed to his cheek, asking for her to give him a kiss. Thankfully, I was close enough to be able to step in and said no, no kissing thank you.
My daughter asked why not. That was tricky. The first thing that came out of my mouth was 'we don't kiss people we don't know' then I said 'only mummy, daddy and brother' . My daughter replied 'but I kiss Pamela' (girl in her class, not real name). I said that was okay.
Gosh, it's so tricky to get this stuff right! I appreciate any advice on what to say to my daughter to help keep her safe, that is age appropriate and that won't scare or confuse her
I'd also like your opinion on the scenario. I'm glad I stopped her kissing him. When the firework display started I went up to the man and said "you are out of order asking little girls for kisses, that's not on, I'm going to report you" He said nothing apart from Okay and he looked sheepish. This may have been one hundred percent innocent. . . Little old man who genuinely adores children.
Did I over react in your opinion? What would you have done in this situation?

OP posts:
CoveredInFondant · 28/10/2017 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 22:55

You didn’t overreact in least,it was inappropriate of him
Yes I would report to police on 101,up to them how to progress

Lottapianos · 28/10/2017 22:56

Well done OP. Offering high fives - fines. Expecting kisses - not at all fine. Sounds highly inappropriate at best. Glad you challenged him too

Skarossinkplunger · 28/10/2017 22:56

I think you should have spoken to whoever was in charge, the police was a massive overaction.

Whoever said it was grooming, it’s really
not.

MotherofA · 28/10/2017 22:56

Now you are right he is out of order and strange . I think you handled it really well !

AGoodCupOfTea · 28/10/2017 22:56

Isadora just because it happened once doesn’t mean it isn’t grooming or sexual abuse. Go look at NSPCC they state this clearly.

timeisnotaline · 28/10/2017 22:57

I think it's ok to have said something to him so he knows how most parents feel about that, but to the poster who thought the fact he looked sheepish confirms he's a sex offender? That is serious reaching! I wouldn't have informed the police either.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 28/10/2017 22:58

Two months ago I would have said YABU, you're overreacting.

We've just had to move house very quickly as DD was being groomed by the neighbour, who we discovered has previous convictions for awful offences. Now I say absolutely YANBU.

It is not acceptable for an older man (or woman) to ask a child they don't know for a kiss on the cheek. It crosses all sorts of boundaries, and saying "oh it's the generation, they don't know any better" is an insult to the vast vast majority of that generation who wouldn't dream of doing it.

Reporting to the police isn't an overreaction. I doubt the OP was planning on calling 999 and shrieking "arrest the paedophile!" but certainly mentioning that an older male working in an environment filled with children is displaying inappropriate behaviour towards them wouldn't be an overreaction in the slightest. It's safeguarding.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 28/10/2017 23:00

And even if his intentions are innocent and naive, there can be no "oh poor old man" about it. You need to teach your daughter about boundaries and safety and feeling able to say "no". She can't be expected to let someone kiss her against her will to avoid hurting their feelings, because the next "poor sweet old man" who wants a kiss may not be innocent and naive.

Her safety is more important than his feelings.

AGoodCupOfTea · 28/10/2017 23:00

Skarosssinkplunger I think I know what grooming is. Having been involved in an investigation I think you’ll be surprised to know what forms of grooming are out there.

Simply telling a child that you won’t tell it’s Mum because it did something naughty is actually a form of grooming. I should know, because this has happened and this is what I have been told. So go away now with your uniformed self.

Original poster
thickgit · 28/10/2017 23:02

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your responses. I'm glad most people think my reaction was appropriate.
I'm going to buy some books to help me teach my son and daughter what is appropriate and how to say no. I can't be there all the time but I want desperately to teach them the best that I can to help prevent anything happening. As we know, it is ridiculously common. To be honest, I still feel as though people might think I'm being slightly 'hysterical' about it and that's why I put it past you all. We shouldn't feel like that. MN is helping me to take control and not feel silly for doing so. Thank you.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 23:03

Skaross, the police can determine what it is or isn’t.op was right.its wholly inappropriate for an adult who is in contact and proximity with children to ask the children to kiss him

It’s a safeguarding issue. No arguing, it is
Police will assess risk and decide how to progress

DelilahDarcey · 28/10/2017 23:04

I would definitely report him to the police. As others have said, they might have had other similar reports about him.

Battleax · 28/10/2017 23:04

I think you said everything absolutely right. To your DD and the man. Except for the bit about reporting him. I don't see the point in that unless he was arguing back and you're really going to.

He doesn't necessarily sound like a "perve". He could "just" be woefully clueless and stuck in the past maybe? He doesn't sound at all stealthy anyway.

Benedikte2 · 28/10/2017 23:05

Too often paedophiles are enabled by the fact that children, especially girls are conditioned by society to be polite and not to offend. OP you did an excellent job by speaking up -- not an easy thing to do. Contact the fairground organisers and ask the NSPCC if they advise contacting the police. The problem re taking further action will be identity . Obviously the fairground will know who he is but the police etc would need to investigate to discover his identity and they are unlikely to regard it as a priority in the circumstances.

CertainHalfDesertedStreets · 28/10/2017 23:05

Poor old guy who just loves four year old girls. Bless him. And he does a lovely job that brings him into contact with kids.

What exactly do people think predatory paedophiles look like and present as? They look like and present as lovely old guys who like little girls/boys and do jobs that bring them into contact with children. And they push boundaries just a little bit each time until they find a kid they can push them with a bit more.

If the epidemic of sexual assault and harassment stories at the moment don't tell us anything else they should tell us how important it is to hold those boundaries for our kids. Especially our girls.

AgainReally · 28/10/2017 23:07

Nailed it CertainHalfDesertedStreets

AGoodCupOfTea · 28/10/2017 23:08

CertainHalfDessertedStreets couldn’t have said it better.
People have a really odd view of peadophiles, thinking they’re only a certain type of person who does this.

Old, young, male, female, all colours you can think of, they come in all forms, and look like ordinary (and often very kind) people. They are calculating, and certainly know how to make you think they’re just frail, or just too kind to ever think about touching or grooming a child.

Battleax · 28/10/2017 23:08

She enforced the boundary properly, gave her DD the perfect message, went back and warned the guy.

That's enough isn't it? For something stupidly inappropriate done in full view of dozens?

We don't know whether he has an unhealthy interest in DC, or some other issue.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 23:08

Battleax,what do ‘pervs’ sound like you see this stereotypical notion of what perv is (and indeed isn’t) impedes judgement and can cause inappropriate action to be minimised. You are minimising this hugely by setting your own criteria for what is/isn’t perve or stealth

He works with children has proximity to children
He asked a child for a kiss

Battleax · 28/10/2017 23:10

What exactly do people think predatory paedophiles look like and present as? They look like and present as lovely old guys who like little girls/boys and do jobs that bring them into contact with children. And they push boundaries just a little bit each time until they find a kid they can push them with a bit more.

True.

But this was a very small accompanied child he had no hope of further contact with.

AGoodCupOfTea · 28/10/2017 23:10

Battleax yeah let’s just leave it at that and allow him to continue working with children, even if he got a little telling off from one parent, it doesn’t matter because he hasn’t actually been reported so nothing exists for the police to enforce should he ever do it again.

Battleax · 28/10/2017 23:13

like you see this stereotypical notion of what perv is (and indeed isn’t)

Not at all. I have far too much awareness of how unstereotypical abusers can be and how grooming works. More than any sane person would want.

But I don't see what his hope of future access or time alone could possibly have been.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 23:14

Nonetheless he acted inappropriately, he may have a habitual pattern
I’m flabbergasted you’re actually seeking to minimise and defend his actions
The worry is that he’s so confident in asking for a kiss that he did so in proximity to mum
If he’s that brazen around parents what’s he like when no parent about?

You’re minimising an inappropriate request from an adult to a child

bramblina · 28/10/2017 23:14

Nothing to add to the situation OP found herself in- gosh I'm glad it wasn't me, but if anyone needs advice on stranger danger talks with their kids, our school run a programme every year (well, a charity come in to present it but we promote it to new P1s and incorporate it in to anti-bullying weeks etc) then Google "Safe, strong & free". It's very useful.