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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man asked for kiss from my four year old daughter

215 replies

thickgit · 28/10/2017 22:22

So, we were at the fair/fireworks this evening and my daughter was having turns on the giant inflatable slide. The man running it was about 75 I would say, and kept asking my daughter for a high five when she reached the bottom. When her goes were finished he bent down and pointed to his cheek, asking for her to give him a kiss. Thankfully, I was close enough to be able to step in and said no, no kissing thank you.
My daughter asked why not. That was tricky. The first thing that came out of my mouth was 'we don't kiss people we don't know' then I said 'only mummy, daddy and brother' . My daughter replied 'but I kiss Pamela' (girl in her class, not real name). I said that was okay.
Gosh, it's so tricky to get this stuff right! I appreciate any advice on what to say to my daughter to help keep her safe, that is age appropriate and that won't scare or confuse her
I'd also like your opinion on the scenario. I'm glad I stopped her kissing him. When the firework display started I went up to the man and said "you are out of order asking little girls for kisses, that's not on, I'm going to report you" He said nothing apart from Okay and he looked sheepish. This may have been one hundred percent innocent. . . Little old man who genuinely adores children.
Did I over react in your opinion? What would you have done in this situation?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 28/10/2017 23:52

Does anyone here go around asking strangers to kiss them?

Why would anyone think that someone they don't know, would want to put their lips on your face?

Nobody wants to give a stranger a kiss.

Some children will do it, because they're anxious to do as they're told. Not because they want to do it.

Nobody with any sort of a clue would ask for this. There would be no doubt in my mind about the intentions of the person asking for this. And I would hope I'd have the presence of mind of the OP to react in the same way, and to them follow up with him personally to tell him how inappropriate (he knows) he's being.

donquixotedelamancha · 28/10/2017 23:52

"I’m not being confrontational, I’m simply responding to your post Don"

That's OK. Didn't think you were.

DonkeyOil · 28/10/2017 23:53

If the epidemic of sexual assault and harassment stories at the moment don't tell us anything else they should tell us how important it is to hold those boundaries for our kids. Especially our girls.

I'm sorry to nitpick, Certain, but whilst I couldn't agree more with the first sentence, I take issue with the notion that it's more important to equip girls than boys with the means to counter attempts to abuse them.

As the mother of 3 ds, I think no child should be put in the position of having to do things they are uncomfortable with or which cross their personal boundaries, not any gender in particular. Why do you think that?

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/10/2017 23:54

There is no evidence he would behave in the same way with an unaccompanied child that is pure conjecture.

Well, of course there's no evidence!

That could not be more irrelevant, when it comes to the safe-guarding of one's own children.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/10/2017 23:55

There’s posts stating it’s overreacting to report. Based on assumptions he’s harmless. Cause he’s old boy. That’s social conditioning, old man = must be a bit dotty but harmless

I’ll ask again if the male asking for kiss was 18..36..48 is that okay?does it get more acceptable the older he is?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/10/2017 23:56

Donkey it’s probably because girls are more likely to be victims than boys, and because girls are also conditioned to be nice and not make a fuss. But yes you are right, children of both sexes should be taught from a young age what behaviour is acceptable from an adult and what isn’t.

Skarossinkplunger · 28/10/2017 23:58

My post said to report him to whoever was in charge. Even as a volunteer he should have a DBS (not that they mean much). I said it was an overreaction tovreport him to the police, this is not based on the fact that he is an ‘old boy’ but because no crime has been committed.

AGoodCupOfTea · 28/10/2017 23:59

Oh you sound so professional Skarosssinkplunger does make me wonder whether you’re even a social worker, I hope not!
Oh and by the way, if the old man had an intent to do more or exploit after giving her a kiss, then it’s grooming. Thanks to your definition.

So actually, you can’t say it’s not grooming as you have no idea what his intent was.

Going forward, I think the aim is not to minimise like Skarosssinkplunger has.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 00:00

I’m not singling you out Ska.im simply observing these posts saying reporting is overreacting
Folk report civil stuff,concerns,what’s going on to patrol police and snt without it necessarily being a crime

Battleax · 29/10/2017 00:01

There’s posts stating it’s overreacting to report. Based on assumptions he’s harmless. Cause he’s old boy.

No. Based on the knowledge that predatory paedophiles target DC that they can secure time with.

Skarossinkplunger · 29/10/2017 00:02

I believe that you told me to fuck off first. Either way you’re either stupid or hysterical
and I’m not engaging anymore. Goodnight.

CertainHalfDesertedStreets · 29/10/2017 00:03

as the mother of 3 ds, I thinknochild should be put in the position of having to do things they are uncomfortable with or which cross their personal boundaries, not any gender in particular. Why do you think that?

I don't think that's at all nitpicky Smile perfectly reasonable question.

I do think you're right. And I have a ds I will be very clear with about bodily autonomy.

But for girls it goes beyond when they are young and into adult life in a slightly different way I think. Which I was trying to express but - for lack of space and time - didn't.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 00:03

What about opportunitistic and habitual behaviour pattern adults who may not necessarily have repeat contact opportunities but act inappropriately

AGoodCupOfTea · 29/10/2017 00:04

Well I’m not a professional Skarosssinkplunger I’m an abused person who feels very sensitive to this subject so yes I did tell you to fuck off. Your attitude is astounding. Please do stop engaging, so that I can stop getting angry at your insensitive thoughtless responses.

Battleax · 29/10/2017 00:05

I just think OP doesn't need a thread full of unfocused hysteria lipstick. She did all the right things, she said the right things, she was present and supervising.

permatiredmum · 29/10/2017 00:05

It's funny how the 2 professionals in the field Ska and my SIL are the only ones who have a different position.

Original poster
thickgit · 29/10/2017 00:07

Thanks everyone. I'm definitely not overthinking or dwelling on the what ifs. I was just trying to explain to Battleaxe that just because this guy won't have future access to my daughter, or because he didn't have time alone with her, that abuse is not possible
I really do like to think that this guy was being a lovely bloke and being innocently affectionate. I totally get that his generation see things very differently. I don't think my 80 year old dad would do the same, but it wouldn't surprise me either. Again, I came on here to see whether most people would react similarly. I've some friends who would feel the same way I do, and other friends who I believe would think nothing of the scenario and feel a bit sorry for the old man. I'm yet to put it past my friends
As for the. . . "What if was a woman?" That always seems to come up.

OP posts:
AGoodCupOfTea · 29/10/2017 00:07

Is it? I don’t think it’s funny.
Anyway signing off. Night.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 00:08

I’m not seeking to alarm anyone ska,far from it,as I said most folk are decent
It’s a fast moving & canankerous thread it’s not my intention to alarm
Simply responding to points being made

5foot5 · 29/10/2017 00:09

I can’t believe the minimisation coming from these posters

This post at 22:31 makes me a little bit suspicious about this thread.
At this point nobody had disagreed with the OP at all. Nobody had minimised. So what was all this about? It did make me think sock puppet...

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 00:10

You’ve lost me?what are you suggesting

Battleax · 29/10/2017 00:13

It's true that tea reaches fever pitch very early with little provocation.

I don't like to think anyone would pick this subject for wind ups, though.

bastardkitty · 29/10/2017 00:14

I think you handled it perfectly OP.

JemimaLovesHamble · 29/10/2017 00:14

Then at the hotel they giggled at my embarrassment at waiters trying to make me dance with them and kiss them.

I came home from school crying once because a boy pulled my hair really hard. My DMs response, "Ooh, that means he liiiiiiiikes you!" (giggle giggle). Whenever I wore a short skirt or a tight top she would make me go and show my DF - because male approval was all important. It's no wonder I ended up as such a passive "ok I don't mind" girl in my teens. I was taught that the only important thing about me was the effect I had on men. She could only view me (and herself) that way. When she lost her looks she went into a deep depression and never came out of it. What a waste of a life.

Battleax · 29/10/2017 00:15

5 it's obviously an extremely sore subject for tea which would be enough to explain her posts, TBF.

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