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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man asked for kiss from my four year old daughter

215 replies

thickgit · 28/10/2017 22:22

So, we were at the fair/fireworks this evening and my daughter was having turns on the giant inflatable slide. The man running it was about 75 I would say, and kept asking my daughter for a high five when she reached the bottom. When her goes were finished he bent down and pointed to his cheek, asking for her to give him a kiss. Thankfully, I was close enough to be able to step in and said no, no kissing thank you.
My daughter asked why not. That was tricky. The first thing that came out of my mouth was 'we don't kiss people we don't know' then I said 'only mummy, daddy and brother' . My daughter replied 'but I kiss Pamela' (girl in her class, not real name). I said that was okay.
Gosh, it's so tricky to get this stuff right! I appreciate any advice on what to say to my daughter to help keep her safe, that is age appropriate and that won't scare or confuse her
I'd also like your opinion on the scenario. I'm glad I stopped her kissing him. When the firework display started I went up to the man and said "you are out of order asking little girls for kisses, that's not on, I'm going to report you" He said nothing apart from Okay and he looked sheepish. This may have been one hundred percent innocent. . . Little old man who genuinely adores children.
Did I over react in your opinion? What would you have done in this situation?

OP posts:
Inkandbone · 29/10/2017 07:19

I think you are wrong to insist this shouldn't be reported.

It does not matter innit is grooming or not. Someone who rapes and strangled a child isn't grooming her FFS, it doesn't mean he isn't a paedophile Confused

Inkandbone · 29/10/2017 07:19

*if it

Computer thinks I am from da hood.

I am not.

Skarossinkplunger · 29/10/2017 07:21

I said it be reported to his employer but that it would be an overreaction reporting it to the police as no crime has been committed.

Inkandbone · 29/10/2017 07:24

Yes, but, as a social worker working in child protection should REALLY know Confused things do not have to be a crime to be reported and put together with other reports to get a picture together.

A little boy writing a story about his step dad hitting him isn't a crime either but it should still be passed on. You MUST know this?

Lethaldrizzle · 29/10/2017 07:26

Claraschu - my thoughts exactly.

Skarossinkplunger · 29/10/2017 07:29

A story written by a child about being hit would not b passed on to the police either! If a teacher thought there was a backstory they would speak to the school safeguarding lead who would decide whether to refer to social services. What do you actuallly think the police do? Are you one of these “log it with the police people”?

outofmydepth45 · 29/10/2017 07:35

From the OP I was thinking gosh that's rather OTT to go back and tell him off. Glad I have read the replies, good on you OP for being on the ball.

LittleLionMansMummy · 29/10/2017 07:44

Op I admire your courage in handling this situation as you did. I would have stepped in to stop my dd kissing the man but probably wouldn't have tackled him about it afterwards.

Even if it is innocent, and it could well be of course, I think everything that has happened in the news recently (Trump, Weinstein etc) tells us that as a society we need to stand up for our girls at the earliest opportunity so that there is a change in expectations of them.

Kissing is absolutely fine with people they know and trust, providing they are volunteering affection and not being coerced. Kissing an unfamiliar man because he's asked for it and has placed an unfair expectation on someone so young they are unable to handle the situation appropriately themselves is absolutely not right. Would he have asked a little boy to kiss him or would he have been content with a high five?

Times have changed. Girls need to know that they should never feel obliged to please someone simply because they are older, more powerful etc than them. And boys and men need to know that they shouldn't expect girls and women to succumb to them. I say this as a mum to both a boy and a girl.

Maddiemademe · 29/10/2017 07:49

My dd's father is in prison (for a drug related offence from years ago.) He said that over 80% of the prisoners at his prison are sex offenders, mainly peadophiles. He and I have had our eyes truly opened to how many predators there really are, and these are only the ones who happened to have been caught.

He said he would be incredibly weary now of DD with any stranger and I agree. Why take any risks? We all think as we don't see it that it doesn't happen but the reality is really depressing actually.

So no I don't for one second think YABU and I would have reacted exactly the same. Personally I would also report, even if people think that is an overreaction I don't care where children are concerned l.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 29/10/2017 07:54

Lass,

‘Close male relatives should not be asking for kisses’

Are you serious? On the cheek? Why on earth not? Is it ok for female relatives then?

I do not think adults of either sex should be asking for kisses from children of either sex.

Lethaldrizzle · 29/10/2017 07:58

Blimey that's me done for then!

Justanothernameonthepage · 29/10/2017 08:08

YANBU we've been very clear with our DC that they don't have to kiss or hug anyone they don't want to (instead encourage them to high five/fist bump). And also to say out loud if they don't want to kiss/hug today. (Embarrassing a couple of people who seem to think they can demand kisses).
No one has the right to demand physical affection and teaching that now, might protect them in the future.

Acunningruse · 29/10/2017 08:16

Wok

Laiste · 29/10/2017 08:33

The fact that some adults are naive is no reason to overlook inappropriate behavior and not report it.

The public provide info. The police gather it and put together a picture of what's going on, or what's not going on, and act on it, or not.

I'm surprised there have been so many posters here who are happy to make the decision that this man is harmless, or that because nothing happened to OPs child this time it means she has no business reporting anything.

Laiste · 29/10/2017 08:43

Skarossinkplunger - ''What do you actuallly think the police do? Are you one of these “log it with the police people”?

Confused

What do YOU think the police do skar? Sit around waiting for all these amazing authority figures we should reporting to first to get together create a Proper Report For The Police?

What do you think happens when a member of the public reports a concern to the police? Do you think they might laugh about you behind their hands when you've gone? Or do you think that they all jump into a riot van and arrest someone?

Are you one of these ''in awe of the police and a bit scared of them'' people? Hmm

Tiddlywinks63 · 29/10/2017 08:52

If he's brazen enough to do this in front of the mother then goodness knows what he could do if no parent around.
Ok he could be incredibly misguided but I would have reported him too op.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/10/2017 08:58

A local man has just been convicted of several counts of various serious child sex abuse related offences involving large numbers of children.

The interest in him was not started because of an actual crime being reported, they found the crimes by chance.

The police started looking at him because more than one person had commented how odd it was that he would do things like appear indispensably helpful to very vulnerable local families but walk past someone needing help who didn’t have a very young child,

Enough oddities and possibly concerning behaviour were mentioned that a picture got built and as a result 17 children are now not being abused by him

donquixotedelamancha · 29/10/2017 10:07

@LassWiTheDelicateAir
"I do not think adults of either sex should be asking for kisses from children of either sex."

You do realise how at odds with just about the whole world you are, don't you?

Kissing is one of the main ways humans show affection. In many cultures, greeting friends with a kiss is the norm. The UK is already very reserved and unaffectionate by international standards. I think what you are describing would lead to stunting children's emotional growth.

Presumably your feel this way about hugging, cuddling and general physical contact with kids? Best to give a crying 2YO a polite hand shake? If not what is different about kissing?

bastardkitty · 29/10/2017 10:13

^ totally inappropriate. Why would a small child show affection on demand to a complete stranger? Stop trying to normalise behaviour which is completely inappropriate.

Stillpissingdown · 29/10/2017 10:18

inkandbone I agree with your whole post

Stillpissingdown · 29/10/2017 10:22

don that's just your opinion tbh and it doesn't mean it's true.

Asking children for kisses is way different that comforting a small child. There are so many ways to show effection - not just asking for kisses.

Kissing is and will always have a sexual connection whether you want to admit it or not. Most folk don't want random strange old men kissing there kids

TammyswansonTwo · 29/10/2017 10:41

Oh I see Larry, it's fIne - he didn't force her, he asked her! Good job he asked for the consent of a 4 year old, eh?

I am flabbergasted by some of these responses honestly. I swear some people still think that all child abuse is carried out by obvious paedophiles in dirty macs and NHS specs.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 29/10/2017 10:46

@LassWiTheDelicateAir
"I do not think adults of either sex should be asking for kisses from children of either sex."

You do realise how at odds with just about the whole world you are, don't you?

Kissing is one of the main ways humans show affection. In many cultures, greeting friends with a kiss is the norm. The UK is already very reserved and unaffectionate by international standards. I think what you are describing would lead to stunting children's emotional growth

What a load of rubbish.

You clearly are incapable of understanding the difference between asking for a kiss and people, of any age, voluntarily kissing. Which is quite worrying.

It would be bang out of order for this man to ask a 16 or a 60 year old man or woman for a kiss- why is it ok because it was a 3 year old?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 11:30

It’s a shame this has gotten so cantankerous, it’s a serious topic

I hope people do report inappropriate events to police. The onus to present complete or compelling evidence doesn’t sit with the individual. The individual reporting doesn’t need to be able to prove anything. The police can look for collateral information if they feel the initial report warrants it.

PrincessoftheSea · 29/10/2017 12:05

The police does not have unlimited resources.

We holidayed in italy this summer where ny children received a lot of attention including kisses. Some of you should just report the whole of Italy to the police.