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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I need to cancel my wedding?

207 replies

Haggishappens · 26/10/2017 18:30

FIL has cancer, diagnosed 4 weeks ago as untreatable and there's nothing they can do, he was given 4-8 months.

We were due to get married in April but obviously moved the wedding forward as fast as we could, which was to this weekend.

Problem is, in the last 48 hours FIL has gone from fully functioning to bed bound and a bit confused. He's lost the strength in his legs completely and he's very weak.

DP wants the wedding to go ahead but I'm not sure if we should cancel?

FIL probably won't be well enough to attend and the whole reason for moving it forward was so he could be there Sad

Haven't spoken to MIL about it as they have much much more important things to think about, so should we cancel or go ahead? What if he doesn't make it? How do you even cancel a wedding at this stage?

Help Sad

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 26/10/2017 18:57

So sorry this has happened, hope he picks up a bit so can attend even if just for the ceremony and in a wheelchair.

If you have 2 laptops and the venue has internet connection you could Skype, its very easy to set up. I unfortunately also have an incurable cancer which was diagnosed last Christmas - I was too ill to get out of bed at the time but we carried on with family coming over on Christmas Day etc. I had my Christmas dinner in bed with my laptop in front of me and the kids set up another laptop in my place at the dining table so I could see & hear them and they could see & hear me as we had Christmas dinner. It wasn't as sad as it sounds, we had some laughs and I could see & hear well.

There was a chance it might have been my last Christmas at the time, but I have improved a lot since and hope to get at least another. I'm glad we did it though.

DaisyTheDeer · 26/10/2017 18:57

I'm so sorry your FIL and family are going through this.

I wouldn't cancel the wedding. I would try and get FIL there in a wheelchair. I know it wouldn't be the same if he couldn't attend but he'd be able to see his son and you as a married couple after. I don't know whether this would be appropriate but you could toast the married couple in the hospital after the wedding? Love to you allFlowers

Eryri1981 · 26/10/2017 18:58

If your DP wants to carry on with the wedding as planned then I think you should.

My dad was terminally ill with a brain tumour for my wedding. Everyone doubted he'd even make it to the wedding which was 4 hours from where my parents lived, but he did and he was one of the last guests to leave (only small wedding so reception finished at 8pm). He was absolutely exhausted the next day, but I'm so glad we stuck with our plans.

I think you might be surprised how well your FIL will do on the day. It might give him a real boost. Especially spending the day with all his friends and family around him, but there for a happy reason, not in the knowledge that they are visiting him because his going to die.

fluffydogs · 26/10/2017 18:59

I’d definitely go ahead with it, Skype would be a great idea. I think you should go with what your DP says, I think your FIL would be upset if you cancelled. What a horrible time for you, I understand how hard it all is, I had to bring my wedding forward as I was told I was dying and wouldn’t make the original date, fortunately I’m still here but I suppose I’m trying to say I completely get how hard this is. And yes I’m probably cancel your week away FlowersFlowersFlowers

brasty · 26/10/2017 18:59

So sorry this has happened. Such a difficult decision to make.

I think I would go ahead, but arrange to visit FIL in your wedding dress on the day. There will be a hospital chaplain. Maybe see if he is available to give you a bedside blessing, if your FIL is well enough for this.

letsdolunch321 · 26/10/2017 19:00

Had anyone given any idea of how long your FIL has? Asking as when my mum was terminally ill the hospice had a good idea of what to expect time wise.

FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 26/10/2017 19:04

So sorry you're in this dilemma - the live stream option is a really good one. Something like Periscope could work well.

Mxyzptlk · 26/10/2017 19:06

Go with DP's wishes and set up a camera for FiL.
Only try to get him there in a wheelchair if FiL and MiL think that is a good idea. It sounds as if it could be too much for him.
Flowers

GabsAlot · 26/10/2017 19:06

i would go ahead with a live feed if possibl im sure he woldnt want you t cancel it

my dgd died three weeks before my df's wedding thy went ahead when i asked why it was lik that he said it was a custom that u just carry on

brasty · 26/10/2017 19:07

He sounds too ill to go in a wheelchair. Unless he somehow rallies, this would not really be fair to him.

Original poster
Haggishappens · 26/10/2017 19:07

He won't be in hospital, Douglas Macmillan are helping MIL to keep him at home as long as they can. He'll hopefully stay at home now until the time comes.

It seems most people think we should go ahead so I'll chat to MIL and make sure she agrees Sad

OP posts:
brasty · 26/10/2017 19:09

Yes the only way I would not go ahead is if your fiancee wanted to postpone.

Doilooklikeatourist · 26/10/2017 19:11

I don’t think you should cancel
Do a FaceTime / video cameras link for him to watch
Go and see him after the wedding ( photos together if he’s up to it ) so at least he can see you as husband and wife
And what a lovely idea brasty about the hospital chaplain doing a service/ blessing for you

MaidOfStars · 26/10/2017 19:14

Oh OP, we had almost the exact situation with my MIL. We went ahead without her (or FIL, who stayed with her). It was simultaneously joyous and sad, but still the most beautiful day of my life. It added a keen poignance to our vows. It cemented the idea of family. It was draining and knackering but oh so happy. A very strange feeling indeed.

If it helps, my husband didn't mention much in his speech, other than to say that sadly his parents couldn't be with us but that he was so pleased to have his sister next to him etc. Our best man took a couple of phone calls during the day, and updated us as he felt appropriate. e spoke to FIL during the afternoon reception, and he reassured us that he was thinking of us but his place was with his wife (and to bugger off and have fun).

Flowers
Jux · 26/10/2017 19:22

Can you hire some sort of mobility thing he could attend in?

specialsubject · 26/10/2017 19:24

So sorry - but don't cancel. If possible, go to see him afterwards in your wedding outfits.

Wishing you all the best.

UnaOfStormhold · 26/10/2017 19:25

It occurs to me that even if he doesn't get to be there he can see photos, or a video, and know that his son got married - and that alone may be enough to make a huge difference to him and your DFiance.

yorkshireyummymummy · 26/10/2017 19:28

Get married. Your DP wants to, it's his dad that's dying and he might feels he needs the support for. His wife to get through this.
I would go ahead, enjoy the day, try to involve your FIL through a FaceTime or similar link and then I would arrange for the hospital chaplain to give you a blessing at your FIL bedside or , if FIL can make it, in the hospital chapel. Then he is involved and he gets to see you both committing to each other.
I'm very sorry for your sad news and I do hope that your FIL just slips away peacefully. Congratulations for your forthcoming nuptials!

LIZS · 26/10/2017 19:28

I'd say to gO ahead, if dp and mil are happy. If fil is up to it family could try to get him there or could you use Skype so he could watch. If he has , say, an infection or is dehydrated causing his confusion, he may improve before Sunday with treatment.

GreenPetal94 · 26/10/2017 19:28

Ask you FIL if he is happy for you to go ahead. I'm sure he will be but isn't that the simplest approach?

Oldieandgoldie · 26/10/2017 19:33

Slightly different, but when I got married, I went to the nursing home in my wedding dress, and took some lovely photos. Sad but happy memories.

TattyCat · 26/10/2017 19:38

In your shoes and with hindsight, I would go ahead. I'm sitting reading your thread in tears; I postponed our wedding because my DDad was ill and I wish, wish, wish we'd gone ahead. He so wanted to be there, bless him, but I didn't think my DM could cope with it. 3 years down the line, we still haven't rescheduled, mainly because the first year I knew I couldn't do it without my DDad there. And it's just drifted since for loads of reasons but we're both a bit rubbish at organising! And it'll still be hard, more so because he can't be there.

If I could turn back time...

Notonthestairs · 26/10/2017 19:39

Do you think he'd gain something from knowing that his son is happy (within the parameters of what will be a very difficult day) and has got married to someone he loves? I think I would.

I think the idea of going to see him afterwards in your outfits to show him the video would be lovely.
Wishing you all the best, it must be so hard on all of you.

HaHaHmm · 26/10/2017 19:40

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.

I agree with everyone else that you should go ahead if at all possible. Are you having a church or a civil ceremony? If the former, could you ask the priest if s/he would come to the house to say a short blessing with FIL present? If the latter, do you have a family member or family friend who could officiate while you and DH repeat your vows to each other so that FIL can be present?

HaHaHmm · 26/10/2017 19:41

Flowers and an unmumsnetty squeeze, Tatty