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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
MyDearAnnie · 29/10/2017 08:44

I’ve never been asked to pay, it seems very rude to me.

I agree. It would look rather suspiciously like "I want my child to get 30 presents so I'm going to invite everyone, but I can't afford that, so they'll have to pay for themselves"

I think most parents' response to finding out it was because the parent couldn't afford to host a whole class party would be, "don't worry about it, just invite fewer children then!"

I've never met anyone inside, or outside, education who thinks that whole class parties are necessary at any age.

Mittens1969 · 29/10/2017 08:45

Sorry that your thread has been hijacked in this way, OP. Your DD sounds very kind and sensible and it’s nice that she does want to include Rose.

But as far as I’m concerned, a child shouldn’t be forced to include a child that hurts her. Her party should be a safe place for her to be.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 08:51

someone you don't agree with that as a school, but parents have free will, and might well have had a much smaller party behind the scenes. As highlighted by many for different factors, big hall parties are not feasible for some, so why should their DC miss out on having a party, because of this. Yes if you have a pay party, it leaves a bad taste in the mouth, it is not only very rude and not tge done thing, and not every parent can afford £5 plus present.

MyDearAnnie · 29/10/2017 08:53

Sorry that your thread has been hijacked in this way, OP

I don't think the thread has been 'hijacked'. It just evolved in the absence of the OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 08:54

I would be blooming embarrassed to ask for payment for my child's party. It would be all the talk of the school gates I am sure.

JingsMahBucket · 29/10/2017 08:59

Sweet baby Jesus, this thread is still going?

emmyrose2000 · 29/10/2017 09:11

If a parent cannot afford a party but wants her friends to attend there is nothing wrong with asking parents to pay £5 entry

Yes, there is. It's not the slightest bit acceptable.

Mittens1969 · 29/10/2017 09:17

Why should the school ‘support’ a child’s party anyway? It has nothing to do with them. Parents will invite who they choose, and most won’t invite the whole class.

In smaller schools where there are only 15 children in each class whole class parties do make sense.

TabbyMumz · 29/10/2017 09:23

Having read the majority of this post, I would say who you invite to your child's party has little to do with teachers, ta', or whoever else is in the classroom. Everyone has a different opinion and it's not for people in the classroom to dictate what goes on in a child's home life. What I would say to those talking about "established friendship groups", is don't go on merrily thinking the children your child played with in nursery etc are the only friends they have now. Friendships change. My child didn't attend the school nursery, she joined the school in reception. She made lots of friends. Her best friend's Mum, used to invite "friends" home after school for tea. The Mum clearly thought that she still only played with these friends from nursery. She didn't. This went on for ages, my Dil telling me she couldn't understand why her bf invited other children home, who she didn't play with in school but never her. It was because the mum thought blindly that her daughter was sticking to this rigid friendship group from nursery. One day the teacher called her over and said, do you realise, your daughter actually plays all day, every day, with this other child?

GreenTulips · 29/10/2017 09:33

Rose’s behaviour is a clear indication that children of that age do not understand

So why aren't the other 25 kids also hitting the birthday girl? Or would you encourage this as well?

Rose may or may not understand - if you work in school you will see some kids so struggle with social skills, these children are often sent to join a social understanding group where they learn social skills.

Teachers will pair them off in groups when working and help include them

DancesWithOtters · 29/10/2017 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mittens1969 · 29/10/2017 09:38

Rose’s behaviour is a clear indication that children of that age do not understand

So why aren't the other 25 kids also hitting the birthday girl? Or would you encourage this as well?

Rose may or may not understand - if you work in school you will see some kids so struggle with social skills, these children are often sent to join a social understanding group where they learn social skills.

Teachers will pair them off in groups when working and help include them*

100% this. My DD1 (8) has been helped this way. It hasn’t led to new friendships and party invitations but her experience in the playground is happier. Her teachers make sure that she has someone to play with, which takes the burden off DD2 (5), she used to hang around a lot with her group of friends.

Starlight2345 · 29/10/2017 09:44

There is nothing to be ashamed of been poor no but doesn’t mean you are about to advertise it to new mums . We struggled financially in reception And one of the things I did was made sure my Ds had branded crisps for school trips , I hid our finances . Now I happily send him with an Aldi packet of crisps because I can make that choice . If you charge for parties then the poorest can’t attend . If I have been to soft play the past 3 weekends for someone’s birthday then someone wants you to pay to go on week 4 how many do you think will go ? I can say in reception Your choices were the only ones my Ds would not of had a party . It is very easy to say no shame in it when you aren’t poor . It sucks of Tory crap . Work harder to provide a party for everyone else .
Other point my Ds has also disliked a particular group of boys at school as they play too rough . They have never been on his party list and he hasn’t been on there’s . It isn’t an issue for me and I doubt it is for the other boys parents . Most parents do know there kids will not be liked by everyone and really don’t expect there child to be or invited to 30 parties a year .

DressedCrab · 29/10/2017 09:54

Judas Priest, I've read some bollocks on MN but someone is barking mad. Has to be a GF, no one really thinks that way.

Willow2017 · 29/10/2017 10:30

Some

A party in the park for the whole class would still mean making food for how many kids?
Providing party bags for how many kids?
Getting it all there and clearing up after.
So not so free is it?

Laughing at the pedantic "just go to the museum use your brains" nearest museum to us is 1 1/2 hours away with no guarentee of parking anywhere near it so stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You are not the blody oracle you dont know everything.

And no you are not Big Brother you do not get to dictate to parents what kind of party they have nor whome they invite. Its not up to school to 'support' any party outside school wtaf put that idea in your head? School is school, decisions at home over parties is nothing to do with anyone in school not even you.

I dont believe you know the first thing about kids nor work in any childcare setting you would be laughed out the door.

Your recent posts they get more deranged every time you post.

LucieLucie · 29/10/2017 11:20

@smokinhotchilli who cancelled the play date?

If it was them I’d just leave the invite decision as it is.
You can’t make a decision to invite her without having seen how her behaviour will affect your dd.

Unless of course your dd comes home from school tomorrow saying otherwise.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 29/10/2017 11:35

Someone my kids are both older than 4 so have been 4 fairly recently. They went to some whole class parties, they went to some smaller parties and some they didn’t go to. They were fine (including 1 child with an). If they aren’t brought up to expect an invitation to every party they don’t expect it.
What is it about turning 5 that makes you think it’s suddenly fine to start having smaller parties?
Your logic is weird. Schools can say that they won’t hand out invitations but you don’t need the schools support to invite a few friends for a birthday tea. It’s nothing to do with the school!

Greataunt48 · 29/10/2017 15:30

A child I know has never been invited to a party as she/he (anonymity,s sake) has Asperger and has had some issues in the past, although is much better now. She/ He is deeply hurt by this, understandably, especially as she/he has other children to her/his parties. Please don't omit Rose - maybe ask if Mum/Dad could stay too?Being left out at this young age could be very hurtful and could serve to perpetuate this child's behaviour and isolation and the attitude of other children to her. Think how hurt you would be if it happened to your daughter. Easy for me to talk I know, but I have seen it from the other side and it breaks my heart.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 29/10/2017 16:29

Sweet baby Jesus, this thread is still going?

I know, right?

OP posts:
8misskitty8 · 29/10/2017 16:43

someone if you told me I had to have a whole class party I'd be telling you to mind your own business. Schools cannot dictate to parents how many children to invite to a party. I have never heard such rubbish.
if you are involved in education (which I highly doubt) I am so glad you are not employed at my school. I would not like to have you as a colleague.

Happyemoji · 29/10/2017 17:04

I always asked the teachers to put the invites into their book bags or I hand it out myself.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 29/10/2017 17:05

Sweet baby Jesus, this thread is still going?

It is a fascinating insight into people's minds and how seriously people take who their 4yo child is friends with this week.
Grin

Increasinglymiddleaged · 29/10/2017 17:06

And TBF the OP is one of the sensible ones which makes it even more bizarre.

Happyemoji · 29/10/2017 17:06

I think a lot of parents out there are paranoid which is why I am happy not to be part of it.

Happyemoji · 29/10/2017 17:08

She's teaching her dd to be fair to people and to give others a chance. I think she should be very proud of her 4 year old.

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