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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
SatansLittleHelper2 · 25/10/2017 23:31

Id be reluctant to leave out a child aged 4.......she might have some other issues going on. It would be really sad to do that to such a young child when there could be a reason for it.

christinarossetti · 25/10/2017 23:33

It's tricky, but I wouldn't do the 'hope everything is okay at home' line in a discussion about party invitations.

I'd text back saying something like, "Thanks for remembering X's birthday! She's being a bit unpredictable about who she wants to invite to her party, and I'm not sure that Rose is on her list at the moment tbh. As you know, she has very set ideas, and I'm not able to persuade her otherwise. Their friendships seem to be getting tricker, don't they? Hope that all is well with you."

Or something like that.

Idontmeanto · 25/10/2017 23:34

Really?! The mum texted you to ask what was happening? I find that really quite rude and presumptuous. No, you don’t have to invite her but it’s a bit mean to single her out. 5 closest friends perhaps?

StripeyDeckchair · 25/10/2017 23:34

I'd reply saying we're doing a small event with a limited number of invitees and her dd isn't one of them. I wouldn't give a reason.

if she is behaving as you say at school then I'd expect the teacher to have spoken to the Mum.

messyjessy17 · 25/10/2017 23:34

I'd ignore her. It's really weird to fish for an invite to a kids party.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:35

Thanks Satanslittlehelper
Yep I agree with you on the age thing but my daughter is SO adamant & even some of her friends are saying 'we don't want Rose there' Confused

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 25/10/2017 23:35

Is she the only one not invited as that isn’t really a very nice thing to do
If you are only have a few of the class to the party I would just text and say sorry having small party this year and DD has already made her list.

RavenclawRealist · 25/10/2017 23:36

What kind of party is it? Do you have any mutual friends you can check information with?

SomethingNewToday · 25/10/2017 23:36

My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her

Er, your daughter is four years old. Override her and tell her whole class parties are just that and if she wants to leave someone out you will have to cancel.

The kid sounds rough but not especially nasty - if she was bullying your dd that's one matter but it doesn't sound like she is. I think it would be very mean to leave her out.

And I think it would be an incredibly bad idea to approach mum and ask if 'everything's ok at home'. Imagine how you'd feel if a random parent asked you that. If you have issues with a child you raise them with the school NOT the parent.

AtSea1979 · 25/10/2017 23:36

Poor Rose, she's clearly not coping well with the transition from nursery to school. I would want to invite her and observe her behaviour and try to nurture her and their friendship. But if your daughter really wants to leave her out then there's nothing you can do. Do not message the mother with the above.

elfinpre · 25/10/2017 23:37

I think you have to have your daughter's back here and tell the mum honestly why Rose cannot come to the party.

Your DD and her friends don't want to be hit and shouted at a birthday party and they should also be protected from this at school.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:37

Thanks all
Didn't find the text that strange as this group kind of knock around together & go to each other's parties but maybe it is....

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 25/10/2017 23:37

If this is the only child that you are leaving out then you need to have a word with your DD and explain it isn’t nice to leave just one person out and that she can either have the Whole class or just half.

AtSea1979 · 25/10/2017 23:38

X-post with your update. Actually your DD and her friends sound mean. Are they bullying Rose?

TemptressofWaikiki · 25/10/2017 23:38

If it is her birthday party, should she not have a choice who she wants to have there though? I simply do not believe that you should make kids play together or have someone come to their special event. Kids fall out for whatever reasons and then sometimes make up again. Why do we have threads and threads of CF posts where people are told not allow CFs to walk all over them but a little girl’s wishes are overruled for the sake of appeasing another kid that upsets her?

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:39

It's not a whole class party - just 5/6 friends

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:39

OP is it a whole class party?

elfinpre · 25/10/2017 23:40

Ah, more tricky if it's a whole class party, I wouldn't leave one child out. Most parents still stay at parties when they are four - perhaps the mum could keep an eye on her?

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:40

No

OP posts:
SomethingNewToday · 25/10/2017 23:41

if your daughter really wants to leave her out then there's nothing you can do

I'm pretty gobsmacked at this and quite a few replies like it.

Nothing she can do? As the parent of a reception aged child? Do people really allow their four year olds to rule the roost and have the final say like this?

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:41

Sorry, x posted.

Firstly, I wouldn't let your DD's friends influence her.

Secondly, because I think it's a bit cruel to leave her out, given that the rest of the friendship group is there, I would definitely speak to her mum about it.

Tell her why your DD is reluctant to invite her and ask her if she could come along to keep an eye on her child.

It's going to be an awkward conversation, but I'm sure you'll think of a way to word it.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/10/2017 23:41

I'm guessing the mum is aware of "Rose's" behaviour and is worried that her DD won't be invited.

You said the party was really soon, so this may not be realistic.

But I think the kindest thing to do would be to meet with the mum and ask her how she thinks Rose is getting on at school and see what comes back. There might be a reason behind the behaviour, and kindness and patience might help things improve for her. Esp if the group has been close for a year or two - that's a LOOOONG time in a 4yr old's life; and I imagine Rose would be incredibly hurt and upset to be cut out of the party.

I would talk to your DD and encourage her to allow Rose to come, but keep 'on it' at the party (have a friend or family member on stand by to help) so you can separate them if necessary.

Can you tell the mum that your DD is finding Rose challenging at the moment and ask her to be there at the party to look after her daughter?

It's your DD's party and her choice, but there are some heartbreaking threads on here when kids are excluded.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/10/2017 23:42

arrgh! There were only 3 posts when I started typing. Sorry!

GetOutOfMYGarden · 25/10/2017 23:42

This thread jumped straight to whole class party very quickly

You need to set a firm limit on how many you can invite. Last thing you want is to explain to Rose's mum that she's only allowed six and then have her finding out 8 showed up.

elfinpre · 25/10/2017 23:43

If it's five or six of them then I think your DD can choose exactly who she wants and certainly not have to have someone who isn't kind to her there.

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