....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

[smokinhotchilli]

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

I like free parties. Low key is preferable for me. But small size is essential for my kids enjoyment

Where I live WE DO NOT condone parties which do not include the whole class up until year 1

Hahaha who are 'we' don't condone? Jeez people can do what they want and it's none of anyone's business. These classes where everyone has to have a while class party (despite it probably pushing some over the edge financially ) sound awful to me. 30 parties is 2-3 per month, people have lives .

And the idea of charging to attend is just utterly ridiculous.

Middle age. You can do what you want but WE as a school will tell you that we don’t support you. Moan all you like but that is the way it is. It is not my decision but one I support.
It saddens me so much to see parents moaning about paying to attend a party for the less privileged. You are vile!
The truth is there aren’t 2-3 a month because most parents in reception do not have parties for their classmates but family and friends. After under two months of knowing someone it’s unrealisic.
I invited all and had a strict no present rule. My daughter did not notice as she received enough from family and close friends!

It saddens me so much to see parents moaning about paying to attend a party for the less privileged. You are vile!

Right ok I'm vile. Where did it say I wouldn't pay? But you surely see that people wouldn't do that because they would be advertising that they are poor to the rest of the class who didn't charge? Your policy therefore penalises those who cannot afford a full class party. And pressurises others into having one who can't really afford it. That to me is vile.

I had full class parties for both of my DC FWIW in reception but totally respect and support that others DO NOT for whatever reason and did not necessarily invite my DC. Children cannot be invited to everything that is just life.

And in some places yes, people have 2-3 parties a month because of whole class parties, it happened at my Nephew's school for one.

And while we are on payment what about those who couldn't afford to pay for their child's place? I had a mum who was clearly dithering about accepting an invite from me because she couldn't afford a present (after Christmas, instinct but when I told her not to worry we didn't expect big presents she was visibly relieved).

someone you have rewritten the thread there! You said that a whole class party is the same as a classroom situation. You totally refused to acknowledge that the two situations are not the same at all unless something is very wrong at school. You continued with the premis that a whole class party is the same as a classroom to tell me that my child should be in a special school on the basis of preferring small groups.

You continue to post in the most obtuse manner, utterly refusing to understand very simple things numerous people are saying and insisting only you know what you are talking about.

As for people needing to take heads out of arses the cliché about the pot and the kettle has never been more apt!

I sincerely hope that you're living in a fantasy world when you claim to have power and influence over numerous young children! The damage you must be doing in the unlikely event your comical hinting is actually based on any kind of reality is worrying.

That last post is a startling example of your insistence on being MN's most obtuse poster someone

It's blatantly obvious to everyone else that pay for entry parties exclude the poorest, they are the antithesis of inclusive!

I'm going to stop feeding you now...

My rule of thumb is: age of child=number of guests+2.

Small children are easier to manage in small numbers.

Also, as a family on WTC, how are we expected to afford a whole class party?

Wow someone what a stupid rule. Parties are going to exclude kids, does not matter if they are in reception or Y3. As long as they exclude the majority of the class, that's fine or half.

Middleage you give the impression it’s embarrassing to be less privileged? So what, there’s nothing wrong with it. If it means my child gets to see all her friends and has a great day. You clearly think having less money than others is embarrassing. Such a shame. Once again, if you can’t afford then do a free activity!
I also said I had a strict no present policy, so if you’re that worried you can use that as an idea.

Evelyn I did refer to the difference. I personally wouldn’t have a sugar fuelled party, but each to their own. In a party situation the children are more hyper yes but guess what in a school environment there is a ratio of 1:30 in a party it is 30:30. Shock shock horror 😮. Do not twist my words about a special school. You have totally ignored what I have said. I recently explained it!!! Paying for a party does not exclude the poorest. They pay for every which is cheaper then a present, so actually relieves some of the pressure. Enjoy your priveledged life style lady because you are clueless to the real world. I am quite confident that you do not have children as you have no idea what happens in a 4yo world.

Anyway I think I’ve invested too much of my time on this thread. Thank you all 🤔. I should probably spend some time with my children now 😂.
Seriously though just think about Rose. This poor 4yo has had hundreds of mothers complaining about her on MN. Just imagine if this was your child. It’s so sad to even think about. We all deserve a chance and at 4 you deserve many chances.
People will have a difference of opinion on bday parties which is absolutely fine. I personally at this age would invite all or none. But people will always be divided for a number of reasons as we’ve all painstakingly discussed.
Enjoy the last day of half term!!!

Middleage you give the impression it’s embarrassing to be less privileged?

Omg are you of the same world as everyone else? It isn't embarrassing at all for me and I don't think it is anything to be ashamed of at all. But some people feel like that, yes in the real world and most normal people have enough empathy to pick up on that.

I actually don't believe that you are a teacher.

I’m a bit gutted the play date got cancelled, I was hoping for a decision update

I realise this thread has gone a bit bonkers op but I do hope you come back with an outcome. If not though, I should say that I think you dd sounds very sensible and kind and if she would like a play date with my ds then we wouldn’t cancel

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a party in the park

It would be fab in Barbados I've no doubt.

And it's fucking October.

Xpost middleaged!

Someone mentioned children not coping in large groups. I explained that the child who cannot cope in large groups faces this daily with the children in their class. Therefore at a bday party having familiar faces around won’t be such a challenge. So then someone bought up SEN and small groups, so I then explained that a child who cannot cope in large groups in a school setting would generally be in a specialist school where they have the staffing and facilities for their needs... If a child who does not like large groups and cannot cope in a park environment and stays home a lot then like you say a party may not be an option at all.

Let's unpick some of this, shall we?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a party in the park. I know a lot of people who struggle and panic on the run up to their DC bday. So as an alternative they use a park bench to lay out snacks and play in the playground.

You are completely right. There is nothing wrong with a party like this. In fact, my brother and his wife chose this type of party for their children for their first 3 birthdays. But the clue is in that they chose this type of party. It wasn't imposed upon them by the policy of an organisation that has no control over how they organise their private lives (such as school).

Someone mentioned children not coping in large groups. I explained that the child who cannot cope in large groups faces this daily with the children in their class. Therefore at a bday party having familiar faces around won’t be such a challenge.

Wrong. It's totally different. Some children are just quiet/shy/introverts and enjoy being surrounded by a small, 'safe' group, in which they feel comfortable, but would not fare so well in a large group where they feel lost or the 'space' in dominated by stronger personalities. If they are surrounded by the same voices they feel dominated by in school, it will elicit the same response from them, which might be to withdraw and allow those other children to fill that space also, because that is the dynamic they are used to and have learnt. Which does not help their self esteem, or develop their sense of self, or improve confidence, nor develop friendships.

So then someone bought up SEN and small groups, so I then explained that a child who cannot cope in large groups in a school setting would generally be in a specialist school where they have the staffing and facilities for their needs.

Also wrong. Not only do I know of specialist schools that do not have the capacity and are currently under pressure to reintegrate children back into mainstream schools anyway, children would not 'generally' be in specialist provision for simply preferring to be in smaller groups. A lot of children prefer to be in smaller groups who have absolutely no need to be in specialist provision. It's a personal preference, not a problem!

If a child who does not like large groups and cannot cope in a park environment and stays home a lot then like you say a party may not be an option at all

This is so wrong, I don't even know where to start.

You are actually suggesting that a child who would benefit from having the opportunity to celebrate their birthday; find their voice; express their preferences; 'hear' their voice (and feel it is heard by others); enjoy themselves with their friends; feel 'safe' and 'contained'; maybe a child who lacks confidence who is encouraged and bolstered up by experiencing their party away from the dominating personalities of others, for whatever reason, should not actually be allowed to have a birthday party at all?

And where did the "like you say a party may not be an option at all" come from? My son didn't have birthdays after 8 because he chose not to. It was his choice. Again, it was not imposed on him, or us as a family, by his school and the expectation that, in Reception, all children should be invited. He had up to 8 children to his parties between Reception and his 7th birthday. He has always suited mainstream school because not wanting to be surrounded by 30 people at your birthday party is not enough to require specialist provision.

Some parents at our schools had whole school parties from Reception. The majority of them had between 5 and 15, depending on what they were doing. The whole class ones were the exception rather than the norm.

We, as parents, just explained to the children that not everyone can be invited to every party. And they accepted it.

FWIW, I think the OP's daughter's solution is perfect. It's kind and it's self respecting. And it is her own choice.

It also rules out any kind of party where you have to pay per child like soft play. If you’re paying £12 per child then most parents won’t be able to afford to invite the whole class. It also means that cousins and friends outside school wouldn’t be invited. And in our case, friends who are in the other reception intake.

The whole class parties that have taken place (2 per year at the most) take place in parish halls. They’re lovely but I would never have wanted to do all the work involved, catering for that many children! We’re doing one for DD2 in the spring, though, inviting about 20, I think; she’s in year 1 now, in reception we did a soft play party for her.

A whole class party in the park sounds like a nightmare and if it rains what happens? I’ve never been asked to pay, it seems very rude to me.

It’s far too controlling to say whole class or nothing.

If it means my child gets to see all her friends and has a great day

And what about those who aren't her friends?
Or the ones who are unkind to her and hurt her?
Or the ones she doesn't speak to and just feels a bit uncomfortable around?

There will be plenty of time in school to address these things. Your own birthday party is not the time nor the place for it.

Tbh, I don't think some believes a word of what she's saying.

I think she's just enjoying being a GF.

It's obvious to everyone that she's talking nonsense.