Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:43

AtSea why do they sound mean? My daughter def isn't bullying Rose - can't say yay or nay for the others but they're all a bit miffed at her behaviour & upset at being hit etc
Not sure if the school has told the mum

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:44

Has she ever hit or pushed your DD?

GreenTulips · 25/10/2017 23:44

Override her and tell her whole class parties are just that and if she wants to leave someone out you will have to cancel

Don't over ride her - it's her birthday and she's can choose who she wants. One thing is clear she knows who her friends are

Text back 'Hi were just doing a small gathering this year, save some money before Christmas' Well catch up soon. X

That's it

TemptressofWaikiki · 25/10/2017 23:45

Having a birthday party and wanting to have people there you actually like is hardly ruling the roost FFS! What kind of message are you teaching your child? That they must bend over backwards to someone who hits them and is unpleasant. Fast forward a couple of decades and think about that messge! The OP has already said it's a small group and not the entire class. All the more important to have kids there she likes. For HER birthday party!

RavenclawRealist · 25/10/2017 23:46

5/6 isn't as bad as a whole class party but is it the whole friendship circle? Yeah rose may seem difficult at the moment but I would have 2 worries about cutting her out 1st is there anyway this is bullying has one of the group turned on her and the others are following? 2nd 4 is very young year she maybe be struggling but isolating a 4year old feels wrong to me! There is a good chance something is going on that the children don't understand I would invite and see things for myself if she's like they say make a decision from there about future contact.

SouthWindsWesterly · 25/10/2017 23:46

5 or 6 girls? How many girls are there in her class. If you say 7-8 including your DD, then you need to invite Rose....

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:47

I absolutely agree Temptress but I also wonder if the OP's DD is being influenced by her friends, or whether she herself really doesn't want the girl there.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:47

Not just girls? A mix

OP posts:
Bluffinwithmymuffin · 25/10/2017 23:48

It is a tricky one, but it's just possible that Rose's slightly naughty behaviour has recently worsened due to the other girls excluding her for whatever reason.... it can happen, even with children as young as 4.

In your shoes I'd have a chat with my daughter along the lines of: "it's a shame not to invite Rose etc, you girls were all good friends before, try and be kinder to Rose so she'll be kinder to you..." sort of thing, as a first step.

I wouldn't not invite her to the party this time. If things don't get better soon, talk to the mum and see if you can find a solution between you. It's so awful when kids get off on the wrong foot this young and have a hellish time on the outside looking in, all the way through school.

Good luck with it

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:48

Worra my daughter has been pushed & scratched by Rose. Also called names. She's fed up & quite a grown up 4 year old (about to turn 5)

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/10/2017 23:49

x-posted with Worra.

I do think it's a bit mean, OP, when you say there's a group who knock round together and all go to each other parties that one member of that group is suddenly being excluded.

Why do we have threads and threads of CF posts where people are told not allow CFs to walk all over them but a little girl’s wishes are overruled for the sake of appeasing another kid that upsets her?
Because Temptress as you say yourself in the previous sentence, kids can fall out with each other and make up again 60 times a week. Parents should be wary of getting involved or overly-invested. Yes, friendships do change, and perhaps this friendship is over. But I'd be cautiously helping smooth things over if I were the OP, not rushing to bin off a long-standing friendship.

PerfectPenquins · 25/10/2017 23:49

Are you sure they haven’t formed a little group without rose included? If the behaviour has been targeted at your daughter at some point why has the teacher not spoken to you? Your taking this all from the kids as absolute truth but you don’t know really do you? Likewise you can’t say for sure your daughter isn’t picking on Rose either because your not there. Why not arrange to speak to the teacher and find out?

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:49

She's not being influenced.

OP posts:
RavenclawRealist · 25/10/2017 23:49

not just girls a mix

But is it the whole friendship group?

GreatFuckability · 25/10/2017 23:51

shes four. four. she sounds a bit wild, but hardly the devil child. if the whole friendship group is being invited then to leave her out would be spectacularly mean. I would tell your daughter she can't leave her out, ask her how she'd feel if it was her if you need a way to talk about it.

it could be Rose has struggled settling into school, to leave her out of a group thing for that would be awful.

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:53

Ahh I see.

But is Rose still part of the friendship group, despite her behaviour?

If she is, then I think she'll probably be very upset at not being invited along with the others.

On the other hand, kids do have to learn a tough lesson - that their behaviour has natural consequences and that hitting, pushing and shouting at your friends, isn't friendly behaviour.

But as they're still so young, rather than exclude her, I would tell her mum how your DD feels and make sure she comes along to keep her DD's behaviour under control.

That would be best for your DD, best for the other guests and most importantly, best for Rose.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:53

A few people assuming it's an all girls group - not that it matters but they
are a mix of boys & girls.
I wasn't expecting many replies to this tbh so thank you to everyone who has... Am really tired & need to go to sleep shortly.
Feel so mean about this hence asking you all for thoughts & ideas - you're all a great help X

OP posts:
Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:55

On the other hand, kids do have to learn a tough lesson - that their behaviour has natural consequences and that hitting, pushing and shouting at your friends, isn't friendly behaviour.

I agree -

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:56

You say she's not being influence by her friends but as you've also said

Yep I agree with you on the age thing but my daughter is SO adamant & even some of her friends are saying 'we don't want Rose there'

There's still a possibility that she is.

It's a very tough age, because your DD will also be finding her feet in social groups.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:56

The group coming to the party are some of the friendship group and a couple of new friends....

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 25/10/2017 23:56

they don't need to learn that at 4 when just starting full time school which for some kids is massively hard. cut the kid some slack!

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2017 23:59

I agree GreatFuckability, which is why I think making sure her mum or dad attends too, is a good compromise.

UnRavellingFast · 25/10/2017 23:59

Honestly, when you've had a few more years of kids' ups and downs, you will perhaps think more gently about this. Think how you would feel and your dd would feel if she was uninvited because she's going through a tricky phase. Just invite her and keep an eye. It's devastating for a kid to suddenly be ostracised from their former friendship group because they're having some issues and acting out. We can't change the bandwagon behaviour of the children themselves, but we can keep the birthday invitations fair and kind at this age.

RavenclawRealist · 26/10/2017 00:02

From your posts I get the feeling you don't think rose should be there either! I disagree at this age but you know her and the situation best!

If you aren't inviting her because of her behaviour then yes you should be honest with her mother! Don't pry about the home situation it's none of your business explain what you dd has said and why. Then her mum can be best positioned to address issues and help rose find a new friendship group!

ElizabethDarcey · 26/10/2017 00:06

Think about how your lovely DD would feel in Rose's situation - the other kids coming into school afterwards talking about the party and her being left out. She's not a bad person, she's a little girl. One day it will be your little girl doing something - or lots of somethings - unpleasant, and you'll want her to be treated with compassion.

Look - there's nothing wrong with addressing the issues with Rose. It's completely fair to do so. But the first action you take shouldn't be to exclude her from a birthday party.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.