....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

[smokinhotchilli]

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

Twilight Zone territory again!

I am selfish for not inviting the whole damm school for a party i can neither afford nor want to organise never mind its not what my kids want.

I am selfish for not inviting kids who hurt my kids to thier party.

Ok i am selfish.

I’ve never heard of it being a thing to insist on whole class parties, Someonessnackbitch, tbh I wouldn’t have known how to get a list of all the names. We have a two class entry anyway, so it would be 60 children altogether! So would you say that a parent should slavishly stick to their child’s own class, when the child wants to invite children from the other class or from other years? Or siblings, cousins, neighbours?

Most parents do soft play parties, and it would get ridiculously expensive to have the whole class.

There have been a few whole class parties, which has been nice for DD1, who hasn’t been invited to many parties. But I’ve never had the expectation that she should be invited to more parties.

A 4yo doesn’t understand why they have been left out

Try this

Sometimes it's your turn sometimes it isn't
Marys parents can only invite 5 friends
Janes venue only holds 10 kids
You don't play with Adam
You didn't invite Sam to your party

Easy - 4 year olds understand perfectly well

Francis wtf are you talking about. Discriminates against poorer families? What posts have you been reading. Please talk to Evelyn because I’m tired and bored now. I want to know how OP play date went.
I can’t keep repeating that I do not agree with parents selecting a few children from the reception class.

She's saying quite clearly that if Sarah is invited to a party and there's an entrance fee then her parents have to choose to pay heating or the fee then Sarah isn't going to go. Sarah has been excluded on the grounds of poverty - which incidentally Schools don't/can't do

Francis wtf are you talking about. Discriminates against poorer families? I can’t keep repeating that I do not agree with parents selecting a few children from the reception class.

So Someone what do you suggest for people who cannot afford all class parties, tough shit for their kids because of yours and the schools ridiculous idea that the only parties that can be held are for a full class.

Get your head out of your arse and live in the real world.

If you are having a full class party then it most cases it is not right leave out 1 (except for bullying) but if you are only inviting 5/10/15 of 30 then so what.

Why on earth would you invite this child, absolutely no way

We know what you think Someone as you have repeated it over and over . You want the whole world of kids parties to change to fit your view . When you hold a party for your dc feel free to have a whole class party or ask everybody to pay for there child to go to soft play .. I do understand teachers would only give out invites to whole class parties but for the rest it is none of the school’s business .

You can start nursery at 3 which is not compulsory. Compulsory school starts at 4

Schooling is not compulsory in Uk until 5yrs old, my eldest was 5 and my youngest was 4.5.
Kids can start nursery anytime that suits the parents.

Evelyn with all due respect if your child can’t handle a classroom situation they are probably more suited to a specialist school

Jesus wept do you have the faintest idea about kids? Really? You claim to be in teaching but that is one of the most ignorant things I have heard on this thread.

I have 2 kids. One loved a big party the other a small group. Sometimes he was overwhelmed in school and had a quiet safe place to go for a few minutes. He was advanced in reading, talking, communication and other things from 2 years old. But he would have hated a huge party with loads of screaming kids.

Parties are nothing like school where there are (hopefully) not 20 kids running around screaming and pushing and shoving, dancing, playing games, excited etc. There is NO comparison and if you as a child care practitioner do not understand this, nor that some kids do not like full on noisy busy parties then you are in the wrong job.

If my child is introverted and school is sometimes overwhelming for them I am damm sure I am having the kind of party that they want and if thats 4 or 5 close friends and not 20 then thats what they will get.

NOBODY has the right to tell a child they should have a party to suit 20 other kids and not themselves.
" Ok Fred, I know you like to chill out after a week at school and I know you dont like lots of fuss made of you as you cant cope with it and I know you are shy in crowds but hey I have invited the whole school to your party in the hall. How do you like that?"

Ridiculous idea.

And damm sure nobody is telling me how I run my kids parties, its nonsensical.

Its scary how a chilcare practitioner is discriminating against kids who do not like big parties and basically saying they are selfish not to invite the whole damm school.

Like I said in RECEPTION I do not agree with leaving anyone out. We are in Oct, meaning most children would have met their peers for the first time less than two months ago

Unless of course they go to a school nursery where they probably have know each other for 3 years depending on when they started nursery. Some kids start school not knowing all their classmates, some know a lot of them, some dont know any at all. Some will know peers from outside school practicaly from birth.

You do not seem to grasp the fact that many kids know each other when they start school and some dont. There is no rule about it, you are so wrong on a lot of things for a 'practitioner' in child education, its very worrying for the kids you work with tbh.

someone you're ridiculous. I've read all your posts and you are ridiculous. That's all.

Also, my DD is painfully shy, like to an extreme level. She's not at school age yet but there's no way in hell she would enjoy a whole class party and no she doesn't belong in a fucking specialist school because she's shy!

I think it's fairly safew to say that whatever someone is, she isn't a teacher.

The school policy of not handing out invitations is fine, but everything else she's said is, as already highligated, ridiculous.

Hello MN!
Have I come back to the right thread?
Hope I'm not interrupting new topics.
Playdate got cancelled.
Can't carry on with this 'will she won't she' so my daughter said she'll see Rose at school on Monday (hasn't seen her since before half term) & 'if she's kind & nice to me I'll invite her but if she's not, I definitely don't want her to come'
Fair enough.

Last chance saloon.

Good on her, let her make her choices. How many are you having for the party?

HThese kids are 4! How do you know that they are not already ganging up on poor Rose she's reacting to it? I think need to put your foot down now!

Love how your daughter thinks, she sounds awesome.

I think a lot of you need to get your head out of your arse, stop making excuses, stop putting up barriers to suit your views. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a ‘free party’. That could be the park, an adventure playground, a museum, use your bloody imagination. Not everything has to cost money. I love the way my views have been twisted to fit in with your silly reality.
If a parent cannot afford a party but wants her friends to attend there is nothing wrong with asking parents to pay £5 entry. I think it’s disgusting that your blasting it. Never heard so many snobby comments from MN users. Like someone said above what it heating was priority? Well at least the child was invited! Not all are going to attend, as a parent you know this, hence why RSVP was invented.
You say I am no teacher, well I never said I was, but I am also no TA. I work very closely with this age group, for many different reasons, once again not explaining too much.
A lot of you have totally ignorant expectations with SEN and the discussed age group. What you are saying tells me you have no children of that age group and have had a quick google to see what you can find on children with SEN!

There are a group of girls, let’s say 4 of them, who have all been friends for 2 years. They meet up on weekends sometimes, go to nursery together. Then they all start reception together. Rose is a bit sad because she’s not used to her new environment, new teachers and new classmates. As she feels uncomfortables, she begins to withdraw a little and her 3 best friends who she’s known for years also begin to withdraw from her. Now she begins to hit at times as she cannot express herself well. Now she’s just found out that she hasn’t received a birthday invite to one of her best friends parties.

All of you who say children can cope, they understand no etc etc. Rose’s behaviour is a clear indication that children of that age do not understand. Children express themselves in various ways so that they can non-verbally communicate.
It’s so sad to see so many ‘mothers’ behaving so selfishly because it’s all about their little princesses. Let’s disregard the needs of others, who cares about how they feel?

The point you're missing though, some, is that this is a small group together for 5 or 6 children. The majority of the class would not be invited.

I have seen two children through primary school (and I also work closely with children of this age group) and I have never seen the widespread upset you talk about at 25 children not being invited to a party.

It's not fair, I agree, to invite the majority and leave out a few.

But I have never heard anything so ridiculous as your suggestion that parents should host free parties in the park for all children or, worse, that parents of invitees should foot the cost of the party.

This also ignores the fact that some children want smaller parties.

And your assertion that children who can't cope in large groups are best suited to specialist provision completely undermines any authority you think you might have.

Such a lack of understanding of individual differences in someone who claims to work with children is somewhat astounding.

I fully support the school not distributing invites, but not allowing the children to sounds heavy handed.

You seem very focused on protecting the self esteem of children without realising that some of your practices/expectations could be damaging.

My son hasn't had a birthday party since he was 8. He couldn't cope with anything more than small parties before that. He's managed absolutely fine in mainstream school (given that he has no reason not to be there). Are you honestly suggesting that his preferences mean he should not have been allowed to have parties at all or he should have been out of mainstream school?

Your DD has made the perfect decision. It shows she has positive but fair boundaries. It means she’s willing to try but isn’t prepared to be hurt. Yes her feelings matter just as much as the other girls. The other girls feelings don’t top hers.

Also as she goes into adulthood this way of thinking is particularly important. Fair but good boundaries and self respect.

Dear Annie.... my views aside, like you said it’s a group of 4-6 children, as I’ve said above so I think it’s unfair to leave Rose out.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a party in the park. I know a lot of people who struggle and panic on the run up to their DC bday. So as an alternative they use a park bench to lay out snacks and play in the playground. I’m sorry people think this is ridiculous but it happens regularly where o live and absolutely nothing wrong with it. Paying for a party, I personally have not done it BUT if their is a child who does want their whole class there but parents can’t afford it then why not, I don’t think I’d be offended as a parent if someone suggested this.

Regarding children with specialist care. It has been taken well out of proportion. Someone mentioned children not coping in large groups. I explained that the child who cannot cope in large groups faces this daily with the children in their class. Therefore at a bday party having familiar faces around won’t be such a challenge. So then someone bought up SEN and small groups, so I then explained that a child who cannot cope in large groups in a school setting would generally be in a specialist school where they have the staffing and facilities for their needs. Then someone had a moan about SEN in mainstream schooling, then I explained there is no longer the funding or facilities for a lot of 1:1. If they cannot cope in large groups then they will not thrive in mainstream schooling. If a child who does not like large groups and cannot cope in a park environment and stays home a lot then like you say a party may not be an option at all.

Like I said there is nothing wrong with small parties, but why can’t it be close family and friends at reception age. We are in October. These children have known their new class for less than two months. I’m not talking about older children. I’m talking about year 1.

Sorry I mean I’m talking about reception, not yr1+

Why have a crowded party of 30/35 when a party of 5 is wonderful? Small parties are always a better happier experience for my quiet kids and my stress levels. Free large parties wouldn’t be our thing because it would be less enjoyable for DD and myself due to tricky dynamics and bad behaviour of a handful. It is very possible a small handful of children to totally ruin a party even if their parents are present.