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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have surgery even though my DP says no

243 replies

BoggyPigeon · 24/10/2017 14:08

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

OP posts:
TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 24/10/2017 14:11

It's your face. Not his.

Do whatever you want, and if he has the temerity to take issue with it, bin him, and take your new face out to find someone nicer!

crazycatlady5 · 24/10/2017 14:11

I think it’s flattering he doesn’t think you need this. But yes, it is your face and your money. I don’t think it’s U, but I would think it U if you just turned up one day having had it done. Whether he likes to discuss it or not he deserves to know for sure before you go through with it.

Mrsmadevans · 24/10/2017 14:13

Do what you want but he may dump you , he may hate the whole plastic, unable to move your face, trout pout cement filler mouths .

mrscampbellblackreturns · 24/10/2017 14:15

Don't even tell him - if you have good botox you will just look fresher anyway.

I know so many people who tell no-one if they have botox. He may notice the lips though.

Myheartbelongsto · 24/10/2017 14:17

My mum had her lips done. She looks like Marge Simpson.

Cantspell2 · 24/10/2017 14:17

If you want to have it done do so but be prepared for him to dump you if it is something he feels strongly about.

Seniorcitizen1 · 24/10/2017 14:19

I would suggest the money you will spend on cosmetic surgery would be better spent on counselling. You have a self esteem issue so should not seek a surgical solution.

chiquita1 · 24/10/2017 14:19

Having botox is not surgery. Do whatever you want, it is your face and your money you do not need his permission.

guestofclanmackenzie · 24/10/2017 14:21

I've had the odd bit of botox on my forehead. If I had mentioned it to my DH he would have told me I don't need it and would have probably advised me not to do it. But I just went ahead and got it done without mentioning it. It's my face, my money and I'm taking whatever risks there are. Just go and get it done.. if it's what you want.

Orangealien · 24/10/2017 14:22

Ok it's your face, money etc

But honest to goodness this sort of stuff is a poison to our society. I'd bet my ass you are gorgeous as you are.

The modifications that women make to their bodies are endless and it's all gone too far. Ninety nine percent of it is completely unnecessary and perpetuating the problem. Your boyfriend is BVU not to discuss it though. People who won't say what the problem is are difficult and demanding IME.

I haven't articulated this well but it really horrifies me on such a large scale.

Glumglowworm · 24/10/2017 14:22

Your face, your money, your choice

He doesn't get a veto because it in no way affects him!

Acadia · 24/10/2017 14:22

It is absolutely your face, your decision and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is - but what a stupid thing to get het up about. I can't believe he even thought his opinion was necessary.

Nandoshoes · 24/10/2017 14:25

He probably won't even notice the botox. It takes up to two weeks to work and it's gradual.

stubbornstains · 24/10/2017 14:26

He employed his manly right to forbid you to do something to your own face? In front of your friends? He should be thanking his lucky stars you're prepared to overlook that and stay with him!

peachgreen · 24/10/2017 14:26

Your face and your decision. However, I would probably be quite upset at the thought of my DH changing his face in any way - I LOVE his face - so I sort of understand where he's coming from. But his opinion holds no weight compared to your own!

Pannnn · 24/10/2017 14:28

I don't think you can ignore his opinion out right. Not being prepared to discuss though is a poor sign. You should be assertive and know what his objection is and make a decision for you. He doesn't get a veto but it's fair to give him a voice IF he wishes one.

MoistCantaloupe · 24/10/2017 14:29

Yes, it's your face, do what you wish.

I personally wish people would lose the fascination in it all though. Two of my friends have had their lips done; it is very obvious and they both look ridiculous. But anyways, it's up to you.

MuseumOfCurry · 24/10/2017 14:31

Good grief, botox is NOT surgery! Go for it, and he'll have to deal with it. I admire his position on botox, but not necessarily his methods.

chipsandgin · 24/10/2017 14:31

I'd agree with pp's - he won't notice the botox unless you tell him, he'll just think you look fresh speaking from experience.

I can't imagine he'd miss the lip thing though - I don't know anyone that it looks good/natural on - just don't get it (and I would have a face full of botox and fillers for my 11's if I could afford it right now, so not anti a little help!).

Each to their own though I guess - also he is possibly just trying to be nice, saying you're beautiful already kind of thing? Either way its your face and your money, if it is what you want then go for it!

Athome77 · 24/10/2017 14:31

I have Botox, not had lips done, I’ve had under eyes and cheekbones several times, I’m almost 40. My husband does not know. It does help that he sometimes works away so doesn’t notice the red marks.

LivininaBox · 24/10/2017 14:34

My reading was that your friend was rather rude to suggest you needed surgery and your DP was sticking up for you by saying no way? Or had you already raised the fact you were considering it? It would have been pretty rude of him to say "yeah great idea, you could do with tightening up in a few places"?

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 24/10/2017 14:37

honest to goodness this sort of stuff is a poison to our society

This. It is all so depressing but I do understand your reasoning behind wanting it. I was only just thinking before I clicked on this link how much more natural people looked on tv only seven years ago. I wonder if your DP feels the way I feel about overly groomed/coiffed men - he likes you natural, the way you are.

But as another poster said, it is worrying how he won't discuss it and of course it is not his decision to make, it is firmly yours.

And I agree with others; lip jobs look awful, but maybe I only notice the bad ones...

bellsandwhistles89 · 24/10/2017 14:38

If you want it then get it done. As long as you have researched the treatment and going to a place that will do it properly.

I got my boobs reduced and did it for me, even if my partner had said no I would still of done it as it made me 10 times happier.

Is he listening to you or just categorically saying NO?

flimflaminurjams · 24/10/2017 14:38

"Your relationship is wonderful and don't want to rock it".

Perhaps getting the work done and looking like a plastic frog alien will rock it.

He fancies you as you are. I know plenty of men who are horrified at these things women are doing to their faces and bodies "in the name of beauty" and it sounds like he is one of them.

At the end of the day its your face, be like a sheep and copy your mates if you must. Whilst its your face and do with it what you want, its his opinion about something precious to him (you) and he is entitled to that.

Be glad that he objected. He could have said " yeah you wrinkly old bag get loads done".

KanyeWesticle · 24/10/2017 14:39

If you want it, have it done. Your face, your money.

Don't keep it secret. Secrets and lies have no place in any relationship, let alone one so young. How he handles the conflict will be quite eye-opening I think.

If he leaves you, it shows he was shallow and controlling, and it's no loss.