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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have surgery even though my DP says no

243 replies

BoggyPigeon · 24/10/2017 14:08

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 24/10/2017 16:29

It's not surgery.

It's also your face so do what you wish, I keep getting told not to get my nose done - I'm getting it done as soon as I hit a weight where my surgeon will operate - if it makes me happy who cares about others.

Agree with others he won't notice your Botox - your lips will be noticeable they swell a lot in the first 24 - 48 hours and bruise plus no one reputable will just put filler in your bottom lip it would look silly.

If it makes you happy go for it.

Should state I've only read the first page.

Whinesalot · 24/10/2017 16:32

Have a proper sit down conversation with him. He can explain his reasons. You can say
"thanks, I appreciate that you think i'm lovely as I am, but I need to do this for me" or "it isn't as risky as you think for x reasons and I want to take that risk."
"I'm going to start looking next week/whenever"

He should then say "Ok, I really don't think you need it/should have it but obviously it's your choice"
If he doesn't react like that then you should think again about the relationship and the big red flag that is waving wildly.

Let us know how you get on op. Fingers crossed he's a good guy who reacted instantly with a gut response but will be much more reasonable when he knows you are set on it.

PoppyPopcorn · 24/10/2017 16:37

Is it because they are worried their women will remain attractive to other men?

I would imagine that it's because they think their partner looks perfect just the way she is, and doesn't want her turning into a frozen faced alien plastic frog. Just google "bad botox" or "bad fillers" for a few examples. It's not a control thing. It's a concern and "not necessary" thing.

And OP if you are going to do it, for the love of God see a DOCTOR or someone who knows what they're doing, not some beautician who's done a course online.

My main issue with this is that it's a slippery slope. People like Priscilla Presley probably started off with "oh it's just a wee bit of botox, it will smooth out the odd wrinkle" and before she knew where she was, she's incapable of any facial expression.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2017 16:38

...and the worst thing is that she cannot even signal for help any more.

Don't be Priscilla, OP Grin

Whinesalot · 24/10/2017 16:40

You don't need his permission, and you don't need to discuss it either. Sitting down and having a debate with your partner about what you want to go to your own body sounds awful.

She shouldn't be seeking permission but there is nothing wrong with talking about it and maybe addressing any genuine concerns.

I'm more worried about the amount of posters doing things in secrecy. There shouldn't be secrets in a mutually respectful relationship, except the odd surprise or inconsequential things. The op already knows her Dp is against it so a proper conversation needs to take place. It wouldn't have been an issue if she'd just gone ahead and done it, like going to the hairdressers - but that ship has sailed. It is now an issue that needs talking about properly. She should make it clear that it is her decision and he needs to respect that. If he doesn't, then that is a big red flag.

tillytown · 24/10/2017 16:53

I honestly don't see why your boyfriend thinks he has any say in this, it's weird how much control some men need to have over their partners.

MaryMcCarthy · 24/10/2017 16:56

If he stops fancying you after the procedure then you'll only have yourself to blame.

As well as the physical change, there are mental signs given off by someone willing to undertake cosmetic surgery on their face. Some men are fine with it, others evidently are not.

mrscampbellblackreturns · 24/10/2017 16:56

I don't understand people who say it is a slippery slope. I have been having more or less the same botox for 7 years and I haven't been tempted by anything else.

Find someone good and have a very little done to see how you like it.

Coconutspongexo · 24/10/2017 16:58

Botox doesn't really change your face though Mary it literally reduces signs of ageing it only changes your face when you go OTT and addicted which is actually a lot less common than people think. It's unlikely he will even notice, you might just have a more healthy glow about you.

splendidisolation · 24/10/2017 16:59

Whats especially depressing is the number of women on this thread who have had botox but not told their husbands, so basically perpetuating the whole pressure pf women having to look younger.

MaidOfStars · 24/10/2017 17:02

there are mental signs given off by someone willing to undertake cosmetic surgery on their face
Are they the same mental signs given off by someone willing to wear a face full of makeup? Or get their teeth straightened? Or stick on a push up bra and a pair of heels?

splendidisolation · 24/10/2017 17:02

@Whinesalot

Yeah, its not just the relationship aspect, the secrecy means there are loads of women walking around looking much younger than they should, so it becomes the new normal.

Kind of like how full . blown waxing your bits became normal in the millennial crowd so having a bit of hair is now almost a weird niche thing (it isnt really but you get me).

MaryMcCarthy · 24/10/2017 17:03

It's all very depressing.

Reducing the signs of ageing is literally changing your face.

If it didn't change your face why would people do it?

splendidisolation · 24/10/2017 17:04

@MaidOfStars

Make-up and heels are basic transparent artifice, decoration and embellishment. Botox and "work" are permanently transforming you into something you're not.

Eye makeup vs an eye lift, gloss vs lip job, heels vs a butt lift. The former are you making the most of what you have, the latter are you buying something you dont.

MaryMcCarthy · 24/10/2017 17:04

Are they the same mental signs given off by someone willing to wear a face full of makeup? Or get their teeth straightened? Or stick on a push up bra and a pair of heels?

No, they're another level.

Particularly with surgical procedures, if we're talking beyond botox.

Fact is even when done well these procedures make you look weird and unnatural. I'm yet to meet a man who isn't unsettled by such surgery.

splendidisolation · 24/10/2017 17:06

So basically there are loads of women splashing money on changing their skin and faces to look lile they're 10 years younger and as a result women who dont inevitably look haggard or old in comparison - when in reality they just look their normal age like their male counterparts.

MaidOfStars · 24/10/2017 17:06

Botox and "work" are permanently transforming you
Botox is temporary.

if we're talking beyond botox
We're not. We're talking about Botox and fillers.

For the record: I have had neither.

MaidOfStars · 24/10/2017 17:07

The former are you making the most of what you have, the latter are you buying something you dont
Why is the former morally superior? Genuine question.

Coconutspongexo · 24/10/2017 17:08

It's not really changing your face though, there is no dramatic change - I haven't had Botox/fillers I probably will when I'm in my 30s but I don't understand why doing something to that will make you happy impacts others so much.

MaryMcCarthy · 24/10/2017 17:08

For the record: I have had neither.

I'm not taking a record, don't worry.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2017 17:10

If you're in the media, even behind the scenes, then you're right that 'your face is your fotun

MaryMcCarthy · 24/10/2017 17:10

I don't understand why doing something to that will make you happy impacts others so much.

I'm just talking from past experiences of men who've been genuinely unsettled by what women have done to their faces.

Women might do it to make themselves more confident, but how confident would you feel knowing that other people find your appearance weird and unnatural?

MaidOfStars · 24/10/2017 17:11

I'm not taking a record, don't worry
How very un-Mumsnetty Grin or should that be "attempt at grin but end up with small grimace"

Nicknacky · 24/10/2017 17:13

What is the issue with someone wanting to make what they think is the best of themselves? All those going on about frog faces, frozen faces are just showing they don't know what they are talking about and are jumping to the stereotypical image of Botox when it first came out.

I have no idea what there is any issue with women doing it? If I can make my face look less wrinkled with a nip of Botox then why not!

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2017 17:14

Oops!!

Face is your fortune'. My DS1 and DiL are in jobs that are involved with the media and you bet you either fit the 'type' or you go stagnant. It's even true for men these days though not to the extent it is for women.

You do what's right for you. Just be careful. Poor results can be as career damaging as no 'freshening' at all.