to have surgery even though my DP says no

[BoggyPigeon]

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

LivininaBox My thoughts exactly. I'd be more annoyed at my friend. My guess is that there's nothing remotely wrong with your face and he was sticking up for you. That said, your face, your money, your problem. But personally, I don't think Botox is the answer. It becomes very obvious quite quickly. I wouldn't recommend lip fillers either tbh

He is taking the piss. It isn’t his place to give you permission. I had a breast augmentation years ago. It made me so much more confident and was totally the right thing to do.

No one knows because they just look in proportion. I had a bf shortly after the OP who told me if I had been dating him at the time he wouldn’t have let me have it because he didn’t think I needed it. I told him I would have dumped his sorry arrogant self if he’d dared to be so controlling.

I don’t understand why men seem to think they have a say if it is your money and your body. Family money I think is different. But a short term bf should shut the fuck up

This thread is going to be full of people who advise you to have counselling for your poor self esteem.
It isn’t their decision either.

It's your face, and he has no say in this and no right whatsoever to forbid you. But it is intensely depressing to hear someone in a position of relative privilege in society, someone in an established career who 'earn[s] well', buying into the nonsense that women's faces are unacceptable unless they show no signs of having actually lived.

Botox isn't surgery! It takes about 5 minutes and is amazing.

If someone I had been seeing for all of 9 months started telling me what I could and couldn't do to my face I would be the one to be seriously considering the relationship. The fact he won't discuss it and consider your views is really not a good sign.

I would never have it, but if you want to that is your choice and yours alone. Nobody should be making you feel bad for it and nobody should be telling you that you can't.

Surgery isn't always about low self esteem. I love my face and think I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Yet, I'm also getting cosmetic surgery because I want it. If you want something, get it. Absolutely do not let anyone tell you what you should do with your own body. I would not sneak off and do it but would firmly let him know this is what you are doing, and it's your decision. Everyone and their aunt has given an opinion on my future surgery but when it comes down to it, it's my body, my face, and my choice.

Completely your decision. If you can afford it then get it done if that's what you want. I'd suggest starting with subtle and minimal though, and seeing how that goes before progressing to lip fillers. I don't think he'd really notice the other stuff if it's well done, but lip fillers actually alter the shape/size, which will be more noticeable.

Don’t lie. But why is a bf of 9 months making such a severe reaction? And no, I’ve never had anything done. Probably should!!

No one has suggest therapy

Personally I agree that it's your face and money to do what you like with, it's ok for your boyfriend to say he doesn't like it and it's ok for you to disregard that.

I do however think that lips fillers look awful. A woman I know has them, it's fine in pictures but eating and talking it looks so bizarre.

Your face and your decision, but I'm with your OH - I wouldn't want to go out with someone who's so vain.

Agree with some posters above, that in general Botox can be very effective, however the lip thing looks good on no-one. You WILL regret it.

WHY .... would your friend suggest such a thing at a Dinner party about something so darned personal and borderline offensive ?

Wouldn't you have been hurt if your DH had agreed with your friend that you needed surgery?

I would hate for DH to have anything cosmetic done. I love every single feature and would be really sad if it changed.

However if he won’t talk about it then he doesn’t even get to have consider having an opinion

There is only one acceptable response when the idea of someone having cosmetic surgery or treatment is broached.

And that is, of course, to declare loudly and vehemently that such surgery or treatment is completely unnecessary for that person.

To say anything else would be extremely rude (like the woman who brought the subject up was extremely rude).

If it is well done he probably won't even notice.

Good point about the friend's comment - is it that she already knew you were considering it or was it 'out of the blue'? I suppose if you are in a group of friends for whom it is considered normal then maybe to her it wasn't about you needing it as much as it just being a normal thing to do after a certain age.

I think it's nice that he doesn't want you to have it but I would be honest and upfront about the fact that you feel the need to do it even if he doesn't and that you will do it. If this then causes a real issue then you have bigger problems in your relationship than a bit of botox.

Don't do it in secret. This is the first of many issues that you are going to disagree about. Be mature and deal with it in a grown up fashion.

Lets be honest, if you got it done on the sly would he even notice? Probs not.

I always go around a pothole where possible, rather than accelerating and driving right over it.

Your relationship isn't THAT wonderful if this man is trying to control what you do to your body.

Where does it stop? Would he object to hair colouring? Eyebrow threading? Make up?

Do what you want. If he objects, he wasn't right for you. He ought to respect what you choose to do. You are being a bit silly if 9 months in, you think he can control you.

And as others have said, if you have work done carefully by good people no one should notice. I had tear troughs done and cheek fillers a while back (they have now worn off) and no one knew or could tell, just me- stopped me looking so tired.

Your DP is right you don’t need it. If you work in a shallow arena I’d change my job rather than injecting my face with a toxin whose long term effects are, as yet, unclear. The pressure will continue as you get older.

For god sake, im cringing for you. It's botox, not a face transplant. I can't believe women even discuss this with their dp and friends. Or have friends who make uninvinted comments about faces. How old are you OP?... seriously. Do what you want.