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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have surgery even though my DP says no

243 replies

BoggyPigeon · 24/10/2017 14:08

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

OP posts:

Bruceishavingfish · 26/10/2017 08:03

If the ops partmer told her not to cut her hair or colour it in a way she wants, people would tell her to tell him to do one.

People would be waving red flags everywhere if she felt concerned he might end the relationship over it.

No one would be saying 'oh he likes you the way you are' or 'do it but be prepared for him to finish with you' etc.

Its the ops face and her appearance. It doesnt matter what part of her appearance. Its her choice. As long as she weighs the risks, checks out it all out properly and then makes a considered decision herself, thats enough.

Original poster

BoggyPigeon · 26/10/2017 08:08

@LakieLady

Google 'marionette lines'. If that's what you're referring to then usually dermal fillers are used - you can get hyaluronic acid ones which the body produces naturally so knows what to do with it.

(For everyone else - it was a direct question so I'm giving a direct answer...)

OP posts:

BitchQueen90 · 26/10/2017 08:23

It is absolutely your decision. I don't see anything wrong with fixing something you're unhappy with if you can afford to. Why on earth should you just learn to live with it if you're unhappy and can do something about it?

I have veneers on my teeth, best thing I ever did. In my 20s so I don't need botox yet but I will certainly get it if I want to in the future. My mum does.

Leilaniii · 26/10/2017 08:23

Hair dye is applied to dead hair to change its colour, and is nothing to do with the "hairstyle". Botox, on the other hand, is a bacterial toxin that is deliberately applied to living tissue, usually very close to the eyes, with the sole intention of paralysing the muscles.

Some ingredients in hair dye are known carcinogens.

Botox, on the other hand, is a non-toxic ingredient, having had its toxic elements removed.

SherbrookeFosterer · 26/10/2017 08:32

It's your face and it's a nine month relationship.

The occasional tweak by a cosmetic surgeon can be a real boost to one's confidence.

henryscatoscar · 26/10/2017 09:06

of course its your choice.

Possibly hes just worried. with the huge amount of botched up surgery TV programmes etc. and people who take it too far. I'm sure there are tons of people who have had some work you meet and you wouldn't even know. have you talked to him about the risks etc? to assure him it will be ok.

FlaviaAlbia · 26/10/2017 09:21

For what it's worth, I agree with DrKrogersfavouritepatient, no choice is made in a vacuum. The OP specifically mentions that "while it's a nice pipe dream to revolutionise the industry with my saggy face, in reality I'll just get passed over for fresher meat."

If that's not a glaring example of effects of the patriarchy, I don't know what is.

However, the OP has to make the decision on what's best for her and her career. I disagree with the industry but unfortunately since the OP has to pay the bills then it's easier to make the choice to get botox than try to prove she's been discriminated against due to age and sex and hang on to her job or get another one. It's one of those things that's obvious, but hard to prove when everyone makes excuses and makes up 'alternative' reasons.

Headofthehive55 · 26/10/2017 09:31

arydo
Agree!
Up to you but personally I'm not bothered about appearance so much. Good job really as I have no boobs. But not interested in having any implants etc. I don't even bother with wearing false ones unless I need to to fit a dress.
Don't feel any less happy, or less confident!

hattyhighlighter · 26/10/2017 10:42

I have had a friend tell me to have botox too OP. I did think but ignored it.
Up to you what you do, but I have to say if I was dating a man who told me he was going to have botox/fillers/lip implants then honestly, I would be very put off him. I would find it a massive turn off. I'd worry he was going to ruin his face and it would make him seem vain and I would think it was a waste of money and potentially dangerous/side effects. I may not tell him but I would definitely be put off.
I can see why people are tempted to get botox but a lot of people I see with it, it just looks like bits of their face don't match up. They look botoxed rather than 'younger'
I wouldn't say to someone 'I can see you've had botox' so they might just think I haven't noticed. I think it is very often noticeable, in real life, not in pictures, imo.

Original poster

BoggyPigeon · 26/10/2017 10:51

All i'll add is you'd be amazed that in my industry 24 year olds are having fillers in their face. I've done well to resist as long as I have... It's sad and terrifying.

OP posts:

Pooshweens · 26/10/2017 11:58

I have it, DP wouldn't approve so I've never told him

Just do it, so long as you still go for a natural look you'll be happy and he prob won't notice

LaGattaNera · 26/10/2017 12:01

I thought the Pankhursts were to give women the right to vote and own property AND the right to look how we want not to "look like you" - emancipation is about the choice.

Having botox is an individual choice - there seems to be such a perception that anyone wanting a bit of botox to make themselves look a but fresher and have a bit more confidence is letting down every other woman and must be vain or self-absorbed.

Some woman do not want botox fair enough some of us do. Live & let live. We are not telling all women to have it done just saying that we choose to as we have the right to make that choice.

Seems on MN that if you want a bit of botox and don't want a full on hairy foof, that you are looked down on.

2ManyChoices · 28/10/2017 23:42

Honestly, he won't notice if you do it, I've lived with my husband ten years and he's never noticed other than to say "have you changed your moisturiser?" And I'm all "yes dear" it's your face and your cash. Do as you will! 😜

ladyinka · 29/10/2017 22:11

Honestly I could not agree with you more - be a really good idea if we took a look at ourselves sometimes - me too, absolutely! - this sort of thing is so sad, unnecessary. You've found someone who means something to you: why is Botox even a question? What's that sound? It's my grandmother spinning in her grave that women are afforded the luxury of these idle questions.

annandale · 29/10/2017 23:05

[wrinkly face in hands]

When I say I have Botox to give me more confidence, apparently that's OK. When I ask why women need to have expensive medical procedures to have confidence, apparently that's not OK.

Coconutspongexo · 30/10/2017 09:39

I'm not amazed by 24 year olds having fillers I know lots of 18 year olds with fillers now and Botox now!

Anyone who gives Botox to an 18 year old shouldn't be allowed to give Botox at all

Wheret0n0w · 13/10/2019 20:01

@BoggyPigeon did you eventually get something done? If yes are you pleased and how long did the results last? Saw an ad in the paper for Dr. Leah (Apprentice) lift the other day and that does seem very natural.

PennyNotSoWise · 13/10/2019 20:32

I'm not amazed by 24 year olds having fillers I know lots of 18 year olds with fillers now and Botox now!

Kylie Jenner being a prime example. She'd completely reshaped her face with fillers before she was even out of her teens, and it's a crying shame. She looks okay in pictures, but there was a video I saw of her and she could literally just about move her mouth to speak, none of her face moves. She's 22 and looks as old as her sister Kim. Anyone butchering someone so young like that should not be in the profession.

People with genuine ageing concerns, why the hell not? It's available, if you can afford it, go for it. I don't like my skin, so I wear foundation to make it look better. People dye their hair to a colour of their preference. What's wrong with someone wanting to get rid of wrinkles or sagging of their skin if there are options available to do so?

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