to have surgery even though my DP says no

[BoggyPigeon]

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

Sheesh! You've only been together 9 months! It's your face, your decision. I would be questioning why a partner of 9 months thinks he can tell you what you can and can't do, even shutting down the conversation!? It doesn't bode well.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little botox, I will be getting it done in the next few years. My Dh doesn't think I need it and loves me as I am, but like he said at the end of the day it's my decision and he will support me if that is what I choose.

You have your car serviced regularly, give the house a lick of paint to keep it maintained, what's wrong with maintaining yourself every now and then? It's no different, so long as you don't go overboard with it like some celebs.

Just to be clear, when you say 'surgery' is it botox? Because that isn't surgery - it's a 2 minute injection. And there will be lots of people on mumsnet who think having botox equates to a mental breakdown / serious health issues / say you need counselling. Just fyi.

My dp is exactly the same, very against cosmetic procedures.
Ironically, my MIL is a huge fan of it and has had all sorts done to her face (she still maintains she isn't vain or wanting to look younger...)
Thing is, my MIL approaches my DP's feelings about it by saying things like 'it's curing my depression' 'i've had a hard life' 'you've got tattoos' etc.
And my dp just accepts it and they carry on as normal, but he says he'll leave me if i get anything at all done.
I think it's lovely your dp has this view of you and that you don't need it, but there is so much pressure these days as many, many people seem to be getting things done and there is a feeling of 'keeping up with the jones's' type thing. i think if you had something very subtle done he may not notice, but then you can't stop at one procedure, you end up wanting more and more seems !

Laughing at the DP who has tatts which IMO are the grossest thing ever, on anyone, yet feels he can lay down the law about a few small , temporary cosmetic procedures.

I really think as it's your face and your money, he needs to accept that.

Perhaps talk to him about it again, explain that it's important to you, and if he's a good guy, he'll understand that while he may not think you need it, it is completely up to you what you do with your body.

As an aside, my mum has had a bit of botox (actually it wasn't botox but similar, possibly collagen?) and looks completely normal. She went to a really good practitioner who wasn't cheap, and never once looked weird.

Before you go down the Botox route why don't you try a course of CACI facials ?. They're marvellous for smoothing out deep lines and wrinkles and not invasive.

If he was a DH of 20+ years I might give some weight to his opinion (but I'd probably do what I wanted anyway). But a DP of 9 months, no way I'd give one iota of weight to his opinion.

If you're talking actual 'knife' here, maybe ask him why he's so adamant. This is very different, but my former boss lost his fiancee after she had a tummy tuck due to an embolism. Quite a bit later my coworkers and I (of a certain age) were talking lightheartedly about what cosmetic surgery we'd have IF we had any. He overheard and came to us practically in tears begging us to never have cosmetic surgery of any kind.

It's NOT surgery!!!
And you do NOT have Botox in your lips - that would be fillers.

Go for it.
As long as your doc is really good then your BF probably won't even notice. Botox takes 2-4 days to take proper effect anyway.
Lip fillers are noticeable though so really think that one through.
As a PP has said - I've not seen one person that actually looks good on (and I used to work for the company).
Maybe have a very small amount to start with and see how that looks.

Your face, your money - your decision!

I'm very much someone who believes people can do what they choose but not so much I no longer believe man and woman shouldn't discuss and find an agreement in things!

Maybe approach it another angle? Ask him why he is so against the idea even though he knows you've already made your mind up? That way if he refuses to discuss it you can say he had his chance to persuade you otherwise!

@hollandemma

I'm not vain. How rude. I iron wrinkles from my shirts, and that isn't vanity either.

Absolutely your choice. Do what makes you happy.
Personally think it looks ugly - plastic frog alien is a good description.

I'm really surprised at the number of people who have had botox and no one has noticed. I have a few friends who have had it and it's really obvious even though they haven't actually told me. Although if we are talking husbands I can totally believe it (spent three hours at a hairdressers once getting about 4 inches cut off my hair and 2 colours put it and he never noticed!).

I supposed you should never say never, but seeing the results of friends and colleague's botox, something very dramatic would have to happen.

Dont tell him!!!

I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

Of course no one should 'dictate' what you do with your face but perhaps he is morally and ethically opposed to cosmetic surgery/botox/whatever. He has the right to not agree with people paying to transform their looks - just as you have the right to do so.

I find it incredibly sad that people pay to change their looks for such shallow reasons (I work with someone who's face has been severely changed by cancer to the point where people recoil from looking at her, so I do understand surgery in those cases).

Perhaps your DP feels the same? And of course there are risks, minimal, with any procedure - perhaps he is concerned about this?

If you go ahead with the surgery and he leaves you, how will you feel?

Also, cannot understand your 'friend' making such a comment to you in the first place.

If it's done well you will not look like a plasitc frog alien.
It will be hardly noticeable!

You say you are not vain, so why are you thinking of having the procedure to fit in with your company's view of what a woman should look like I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is.

Surely if you weren't vain you would just carry on doing a great job at whatever it is you do and not worry about 'fitting in'.

Out of interest, what sort of industry do you work in?

@ragwort

but he is not 'morally and ethically opposed' to botox on anyone else...

Seriously don't bother with the lips - no-one looks good when they have it done!

As for the eyes etc go for it! If it is what you want - not his decision to make!

Your body your choice.

He may find the look or your having the procedures unattractive, which is fair enough. If he does not wish to date you anymore due to this he might not be that into you anyway.

As so many people said; it's your face OP

You've only been with him 9 months but you're with yourself for the rest of your life.

Do what you need to do

@Ragwort

Television. And while it's a nice pipe dream to revolutionise the industry with my saggy face, in reality I'll just get passed over for fresher meat. Not really about that though, it's about how I feel. If i were vain i'd drop my spare 2 stone, not try to look a bit less tired after years of 5am starts and midnight finishes. Fucks sake.

Unless you’re an actor or model YABU to use career concerns as a reason to have these treatments.

Or on TV. In those occupations it’s (sadly) the norm.

Are you on screen?

How many other secrets do those people advocating not to tell him, have in their relationships? What about mutual respect and healthy discussion?
Of course she should have it done but she should be upfront about it.

I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.
That's why so many women don't realise until it's too late, that they've married abusers. They "conform" because they don't want to rock the boat and cause arguments. Then eventually when they do stand up for their themselves their abusers true colours are shown.

DP is perfectly entitled to express his viewpoint but it's how he reacts after that which is important.
My Dh doesn't think I need it and loves me as I am, but like he said at the end of the day it's my decision and he will support me if that is what I choose. - This is the correct response even if he does disagree with it.