to have surgery even though my DP says no

[BoggyPigeon]

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

@Dozer

Bingo. But according to everyone else having legit concerns about how my face affects my work makes me 'vain'.

@Whines

He's not an abuser. I've escaped violent relationships and emotionally/financially abusive ones. I've done the Freedom Programme and now work on the quiet with them and other DV charities. He just is opposed to me having botox. I'm financially independent, wear what I like, go where I want, holiday with friends, we are equals. That's not what this is.

I go to a proper plastic surgeon for my Botox and fillers, I love the results. A good practitioner will leave you as my dr calls it,’ just looking like you have had a really good sleep, and are very refreshed ‘ but not obviously like you have had work done. I think the huge lips and paralysed faces you see so often these days (sometimes on relatively young women) are the reason It gets a bad name. My dh was totally against it until he saw the results and realised I just looked like me on a good day. I have the folds between my cheek and nose filled and it’s great not to have make up gather there which was happening before. Apart from a little bruising for a couple of days after (I bruise easily) no one would be any the wiser.

TV is so sexist and shite!

No, sorry I wasn't saying it is. But this is where the slippery slope starts.

So now is a perfect time to put your stick in the sand and start drawing boundaries. Don't be afraid to rock the boat. If it does rock the boat then the relationship isn't right in the first place.

Your friend is awful to bring that up. Am sort of glad your bf said you don't need it in front of her. She sounds jealous. He is trying to be controlling though but he may have reasons for hating it. He probably loves your face?

Having said that he needs to discuss it with you.

Maybe try a non surgical lift if you haven't already?

I thought tv was getting less vain? I've seen a few female presenters without make up.

Im a botox nurse and have just got back from doing a full face rejuvenation using a combination of fillers and botox. It’s not a surgical procedure, in fact it only took me an hour to do this and the lady looks 10 years younger even before the botox kicks in. I’m in my mid 30s and also have small amount of Botox and fillers as a preventative.

What is worrying is his presumption that he has control over your decision at this very early stage in your relationship. I would see this as a massive red flag and end things with him swiftly!

I agree most lip jobs are awful, I have seen some done by my surgeon that were nice though, these were always on women who previously had lost fullness to the point they had those little lips that were almost not there, he has done some great jobs on those giving people back a normal nice full lip, anything more than this just looks very exaggerated and silly imo

My mum had Botox and fillers behind her husband's back as he didn't approve. He later found out and went absolutely ballistic.

I would never do this without telling my husband. He wouldn't want me to do it either, and would probably lose some respect for me to be honest (but then I've spent the last 10 years lamenting the increase of cosmetic procedures and the effects of my mums obsession with plastic surgery and appearance generally on my self esteem as a kid).

A good plastic surgeon doing the work and he probably won’t even be able to pin point what you’ve had done. My husband is fully aware of my wish of things I’d like doing as I get older, nothing extreme, just maintenance.

I get botox every 4 months or so for the lines along forehead it's amazing and done right can look v natural

That's not surgery, OP.

I get one vial hyaluronic acid injected twice a year to get rid of my nasogenian folds (the folds going from the nose to the sides of the mouth), and once in a forehead wrinkle. Never told anyone, and nobody has ever noticed. I'm 41. And I certainly don't have self-esteem issues.

I would recommend hyaluronic acid over botox, as it's something that the body produces naturally, it's eventually reabsorbed, and it actually encourages natural production (I have needed less over time).

The lip plumping may be a bit more problematic, as I think it's much more noticeable. But it's your face and your decision.

We spend god knows how much on face creams that promise to get Chemical XYZ into our skin to get rid of wrinkles. I have no idea why injecting the bloody chemical gets so much bad press.

Done well, Botox is fab. You only see "alien frog faces" on bad jobs.

"I've never seen anyone with decent Botox"
Good, that's how it should be.

He's not an abuser. I've escaped violent relationships and emotionally/financially abusive ones. I've done the Freedom Programme and now work on the quiet with them and other DV charities. He just is opposed to me having botox. I'm financially independent, wear what I like, go where I want, holiday with friends, we are equals. That's not what this is.

Following on from what I said a couple of post ago. No, I'm not saying he is an abuser, he may be perfectly lovely; but from this post it is obvious you have had problems drawing boundaries in the past.
This is where you draw a boundary. Do not be afraid of rocking the boat. If he does react badly, then it is the reacting badly that is a big red flag that you need to listen to. If he doesn't react badly then you are one step closer to a mutually respectful long lasting relationship.

You can't be afraid of standing up for yourself because Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

If he doesn’t want to discuss it then don’t discuss it. You wouldn’t not change your hair because he said no.

And to answer the question:

My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'

There are not enough raised eyebrows in the world. He is, of course, allowed to have an opinion on cosmetic procedures in general. He should not be telling you what to do regarding cosmetic procedures.

You wouldn’t not change your hair because he said no
Exactly.

My husband prefers long hair. I know this because he's told me he prefers long hair.

My husband dislikes red clothing. I know this because he's told me he dislikes red clothing.

My response: that's nice dear. He's never once told me to let my hair grow out or change my dress.

These men who disapprove and 'go ballistic'- why?
Is it because they are worried their women will remain attractive to other men? Because for the life of me, I can't see why a man who loves his partner would object to a small and temporary procedure.

If I was with such a man, it would be a divorce issue. FFS- what right does any man have to tell you what you can and can't do with your appearance?

Listen to maidofstars

Your dp has a right to say his opinion but his reaction should then be similar to maids dp.

Thanks @whines x

He sounds controlling. FWIW I live in the US, am mid 30s and ALL my American friends seem to have Botox as standard.

The words 'NO WAY' should not be marching towards the mouth of anyone you have been with a mere nine months, no matter what the topic. Or nine years for that matter, though I'd possibly be a tad more willing to accept that it came from a better place.

I hate plastic surgery/botox stuff. It doesn't seem to make anyone look good, or younger, it just makes them look like they're had botox. It's weird.

HOWEVER- it's your choice. And the response you describe - him without really thinking at all just assuming that 'quickly and firmly' letting you know you didn't get to make that decision was ok - is not good. I would really not be at all ok with him having that instant, knee-jerk response that he got to jump in and put his foot down. I'd have dumped tbh - especially after less than a year. Bad sign.

Do what you like, nobody should tell you what you can and can't do with your body. His option is to dump you if he doesn't like it.

I don't like those procedures, but I'm not you.

You don't need his permission, and you don't need to discuss it either. Sitting down and having a debate with your partner about what you want to go to your own body sounds awful.

Just get a procedure done. He may well not even notice. (If people do notice, it probably wasn't done well to begin with...)

Exactly Maid I have botox sometimes. No one has ever noticed without me mentioning it, they are always surprised when I do.
Some people have awful botox, but those saying it you will look plastic will not know many people they come into contact with who have great botox. I know quite a few people who have work done, but I only know because they have talked about it.