to have surgery even though my DP says no

[BoggyPigeon]

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

Id go for it,in fact I have,I've had Botox and lip fillers,and will carry on having it,my husband was against the lip fillers but I had my lips filled on two separate occasions and he never even noticed I'd had it done,it was only a few months later when we were having a conversation about lip fillers and he was saying they always looked awful that I said well I've had mine done twice and you've not even noticed!!! that he found out id had them done,and I've never had anyone,either friends or family notice I've had Botox or fillers and believe me if some of them had they'd have made a point of saying,haha!!,you can have them done so they look nice and naturally a little plumper and don't look "trout pouty" or huge,and botox doesn't have to completely freeze your face to one position either,you just need to find a good aesthetics nurse,my face to do what I like with and my money that pays for it,I don't tell him what he can and can't do,the same as it's your fave and your money,if he wanted to have a bit of botox he wouldn't want you telling him he couldn't,x

Biscuit for fairhair

Surely it’s your personality he is with you for. If he dumps you because you go ahead then he isn’t worth hanging on to. My DH would say to me he loves me the way I am but if I want to have work done (which I would btw if I could afford it) then go ahead.

Such hysterical reactions on here about a bit of filler/Botox. OP isn’t planning on turning into a Barry Manilow-esque shiny -frozen faced monstrosity. I really don’t think people realise what’s available these days with fillers.
I’ve popped into my filler lady at lunchtime to have oral commisures (the line that turns your mouth down at the corners) filled. No one ever noticed . Just commented that I looked very ‘chipper’ 😬 and well. !
A good practitioner will work their magic without anyone being any the wiser .

Go for it OP. Don’t listen to a load of old ‘your self-esteem must be in your boots ‘ clap trap. It’s only one step beyond putting makeup on. Or is that another sign of women pandering to patriarchal expectation???

Or is that another sign of women pandering to patriarchal expectation???
Yes, imo that's exactly what it is.
But it's still not for her boyfriend of 9 months to decide.

Or heaven forbid because women are quite able to decide to wear makeup/have fillers entirely for themselves !

Well I just said that it's OPs choice, because it is. And I fully support that.But our choices are not made in a vacuum.

Yeah what DrKrogers said.

Also, yes it's not surgery. But I work with surgeons using it for its non-cosmetic roles and it would be a cold day in hell before I let anyone other than a serious surgeon play around with Botox and my face.

I read the title as 'I want surgery but my GP says no.' I thought you wanted a hysterectomy as a form of contraception or something.

I'll get my coat.

I'd be a bit miffed if my friend suddenly turned and said to me in front of the table that she recommended Botox!

It's your face do with it what you want. As to the job you have needing to have a "fresh" face what do your employees expect will happen as you grow older or is it all in your mind that you need a certain look to do your job. May have to be a bit more honest with yourself.

"I raised it lightheartedly today in conversation and got a less emphatic response from DP - it hadn't occurred to me that the NO WAY was in response to my 'friend' 'helpfully suggesting' I get some work done and thus defensive of me rather than an opinion on cosmetic fillers in general"

Yay! And yay! So you now feel endorsed by your dp? I really hope so.

The truth is that you look absolutely great, and your partner loves you to bits, no matter how you look or what decisions you make. The only sadness is that you thought you had to ask MN instead of going straight to your dp. Talk to him and trust him!

Good luck in whatever body you choose for the rest of your life!

If the OP had come on here asking for hairstyle advice, would people be accusing her of having low self-esteem? No.

And for the record, hair dye is far more dangerous than Botox.

kittensinmydinner1

"A good practitioner will work their magic without anyone being any the wiser"

There's clearly a problem here. No one is triumphant about wearing eye liner or lipstick without anyone noticing. Why is it so great that no one notices when you've had the corners of your mouth lifted?

If I'd spent £200 (I have no idea really) on cosmetic surgery and "No one ever noticed " then I wouldn't be too thrilled.

I don't believe your "Just commented that I looked very ‘chipper’ 😬 and well. !" any more than I believe the before and after photographs that they use. In fact, if someone told me that I looked "chipper" I'd try to avoid them.

Leilaniii

"If the OP had come on here asking for hairstyle advice, would people be accusing her of having low self-esteem? No."

How is styling one's hair comparable to paralysing one's facial muscles by injecting a neurotoxin?

"And for the record, hair dye is far more dangerous than Botox"

We're not talking about drinking it here. Hair dye is applied to dead hair to change its colour, and is nothing to do with the "hairstyle". Botox, on the other hand, is a bacterial toxin that is deliberately applied to living tissue, usually very close to the eyes, with the sole intention of paralysing the muscles.

That's a very long way from choosing straight or wavy hair.

It's an interesting message that women give with red, pouting lips. After all, biologically, a woman's lips mimic her labia as a sexual signal - think of the flushing and engorged lips (facial!) of arousal. Women obviously have the right to decide to give whatever signals they choose.

Borodin Then you obviously haven’t had fillers then ! I have but as it’s MY choice to correct something that I don’t like and I CHOOSE to do surely that’s MY right.

There's clearly a problem here. No one is triumphant about wearing eye liner or lipstick without anyone noticing. Why is it so great that no one notices when you've had the corners of your mouth lifted?

There’s no problem. It’s surely pretty obvious. Make-Up is an ENHANCEMENT. It changes your appearance** from what it is to what someone wishes it to be. As far as I know people aren’t born with kohl eyeliner or shiny red/pink/orange lips. They choose to paint them that colour and wish for it to be noticed.
On the contrary I was not born with creases on my face that turn my mouth downwards. I lost a lot of weight and my face has loose skin. The tiny injection of filler that I have simply restores my face to what it previously was. As I have it done every 18 months and always have done, isince they started to appear. The only way anyone would know is if I DIDN’T have it done ... all of which is MY choice.
My husband has no idea, I don’t discuss my personal grooming with him. I would no more discuss this with him than debate what bikini wax or mole removal I was thinking of. My self esteem is tip top thank you. I’m a grown adult capable of my own decisions based on my own wishes for my own body.

Oh - btw I don’t actually wear makeup but would absolutely defend the right for any woman to do as she chooses without being accused of ‘doing it for a man’ or ‘pandering to patriarchy ‘ utter bollocks. What a low opinion of women and their ability to make independent choice !

Borodin more people have died from use of hair dye or became seriously ill than from having Botox or fillers.

I don't think you can ignore his opinion out right. Not being prepared to discuss though is a poor sign. You should be assertive and know what his objection is and make a decision for you. He doesn't get a veto but it's fair to give him a voice IF he wishes one

Ths

It makes me really sad that some people portray getting plastic surgery as somehow striking a blow for women's rights

C'mon ladies those Pankhursts were force fed in prison for YOU to have the right, not only to vote & own property, but to look like you fucking look and NOT feel like you have to fill your face full of poison in the pursuit of some idealised form of "beauty"

Please don't make out like you are fighting the good fight here!

It's clearly your legal right to go ahead: your face, your money, your choice.

It's also a remarkably stupid idea. Cosmetic surgery and fillers ALWAYS go wrong after a few years and leave your face looking lumpy and misshapen. The internet is full of pictures of this.

It's also not surprising -- the face is an incredibly complex thing full of muscles and nerves. Blundering about snipping bits or putting a bit of play dough into it isn't going to work.

Finally, if you do go ahead, get a proper cosmetic surgeon. Anyone else won't know what they are doing and may well be breaking the law.

I personally don't think a bit of moderate Botox is a big deal. A lot of people not familiar will immediately think of plastic faces and trout pouts but that is not how've it has to be (I've never had any but friends have).

But that's neither here nor there. Your face and up to you. But since the point has come up I would tell him if you plan to do it and explain it's a moderate thing. To be honest otherwise it would not have occurred to me to mention it any more than if I were going to dye my hair or wax my eyebrows... It's not exactly surgery!

I shaved my head the other day partner was a little shocked like thats a bit crazy. His mum saw it and said it suited me and made me look good :)

Your face, your choice OP! I don't think it's any of his business, tbh.

While we're on the subject, would hyaluronic acid work for a couple of vertical lines on my top lip?

At 62, I don't mind a few wrinkles, but I really hate these bastards.

So interesting to read such polar opinions. My contribution is that it's absolutely your choice, but think long and hard about doing it, perhaps long term better to accept the way you are? But the main issue is lack of communication. That is very unhealthy. No way would I suggest a sneaky do it and don't tell /lie.Why should you? Good luck with your choice!