To not go to this birthday party? **title edited by MNHQ**

[Wheresmejumpa]

Name changed but been on MN a long time (penis beaker, naice ham, Maui etc etc).

My cousin emailed yesterday to say they are having a First birthday party for their DS on December 23rd. The venue is about an hour's drive each way. My cousin and I are not close, we tend to only see each other at big family occasions but get along well enough. Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

My heart sank when I saw the date to be honest. DH and I are both Teachers and we break up late this year so don't finish work until the 22nd, which obviously leaves two days to get organised for Christmas. DH and I are hosting both sets of parents this year plus his Grandparents so we will have a fair bit to do. I was really hoping to have a productive day on the 23rd so I can actually spend part of Christmas Eve relaxing with the DC this year.

I just spoke to my DM and mentioned that I was thinking we might not go and she made it very clear she thought I was being unreasonable. She thinks it will "look bad" if the whole family isn't there and that being busy in the run up to Christmas "isn't a good enough excuse". I told her that IMO if you organise an event two days before Christmas you probably expect that some people will decline as it's such a busy time.
DH is sat firmly on the fence and says it's up to me as it's my family.

So, MN jury, what do you think? WIBU to politely decline or is it likely to cause great offence?

I feel your pain I definitely couldn't lose the prep time for our fussy lot between veggie (me!), the must have at least 2 meats brigade, dairy free, toddlers allergic to the sight of vegans shocked at non processed foods (not mine!) adults so fussy I could cry, borderline alcoholics and my insane need to overfeed everyone (Irish mammy) it's a long operation.

I personally wouldn’t wait until the weekend before Christmas to get everything done. There are plenty of weekends leading up to Christmas. The couple days prior means the shelves are picked over and you can’t get anything!

Your excuse is really poor.

God No. I wouldn't go

Your mum has a strange bee in her bonnet.

I'm sure your cousin won't mind at all if you don't go. Email her back saying that although you'd love to be there unfortunately you won't be able to make it. Ask if she can suggest a present or would she prefer an Amazon voucher or something.

Don't be guilt tripped by your DM.

Do you need to ask? Don't go

TabbyMumz yes they have gone home to pick up their own children but they will be working until 10 or 11 that night and each night planning and marking

Any teacher worth her salt will be too hungover the day after term ends to possibly think of driving for an hour.

It sounds like you are more keen not to go than to go. I'd go with your gut feeling x

Don’t go. Your mum can take card & present for you.
You deserve a break and time with your DC before hosting others

Don't go. Phone cousin and explain why, arrange another weekend for her little family and your family.

At least it's not a cake smash.

But no, in the circumstances described I wouldn't go.

I wouldn’t go, never mind preparing for Christmas after a term of teaching you’ll be bloody shattered so I’d say sod a road trip for a 1-year olds birthday! Sounds like your mother is most likely to get upset- can you perhaps ring your cousin see how much she actually minds you not going and then say ‘DM cousin entirely understands and we’re sending present with you’?

YANBU THEYABU

Honestly, to keep everyone happy, accept the invite and then on the day one of you (you, DH or DC) can have been up all night throwing up. No one will want you there then.

This will help

Don't go.

Mistressiggi you have nailed teachers!

I had a friend invite me to their child’s 1st birthday a few years ago. I could’ve gone but frankly I thought what was the point? I didn’t have children of my own so I had no kiddy conversations I could’ve contributed to (and these girls only ever had their kids as topics of conversation, so it made it difficult to join in with the convo if you didn’t have your own child to bring to the table as a conversation topic, as they didn’t really pay attention to anything you said otherwise). So I opted not to go. Felt a little bad at first, but then re-thought about why I’d chosen not to go and decided I’d made the right choice.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go! It’s very close to Xmas. You have your own things/life to organise. DM can go to represent the family. You don’t ALL have to be there do you?

DM is probably just worried she’ll have to field questions about why you’re not there.

Could you visit with a present nearer the child’s actual birthday? That would be a compromise. Could just drop off the present. YANBU. Don’t go on the 23rd. You’ll have enough on your plate. End of term is so full on. You’ll be lucky if you’re not worn out by then and succumbed to a virus!

God. Absolutely no way. Just send a nice present. Don't discuss it with your mum!

Unless you are the parent/grandparent a child's first birthday party really isn't a major event that warrants people driving hours back and forth especially so close to Christmas imo. Even the child won't know who is/isn't there or what all the fuss is about. Personally if it was my child I would arrange a small (immediate) family get together on the day or nearest weekend. I would not go and if my mother felt it was a snub then that's her
problem to deal with

Read your thread out of interest and no, don't go if you don't want to.
It is a first birthday, my dad's first birthday I went back to work and she came home from nursery and we did a few gifts etc
The child will be one, it is more about dealing with your mum. Can you be honest with your cousin about how she is being?
We have been invited to a wedding on the 28th of December. My husband is best man, my first thought was 'Christmas is fucked then'. Bear in mind the rehearsal on the 27th.
Then I thought about it (and arranged childcare as is a child free wedding).
Christmas is Christmas and I am actually really looking forward to the wedding, it is my husband's oldest friend who we never thought would marry and is totally in love so it will be a magical time of year.
Sorry, had a bit of word diahreahh there.

I'd decline & have no issues doing so. If it was so important to have non immediate family there, they'd have had the party near the child's actual birthday (or even 2 weeks earlier would've been better so close to Christmas). Why, when they were too busy to do this, should you feel guilty for not being able to make the party 2 days before Christmas?! If you feel you have to go to pacify your DM, I'd make it clear to her she'll have to heavily contribute to the Christmas festivities (make some of the food, do some of the food shopping etc) & that you can't possibly manage both this & the party. That way if she's after a nice chilled Christmas, she might see your point of view & if she's happy to help, you get to go along to the party.

We've been invited to an wedding (evening only) 3 hours drive from where we live on 27th December. It would involve staying 26th & 27th when we normally do family things on these days, potentially travelling over not pleasant roads if the weathers bad so we've had to decline. If people arrange things so close to Christmas, they have to expect some guests not to be able to make it.

Dad's??? Dd's