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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this birthday party? **title edited by MNHQ**

218 replies

Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 18:15

Name changed but been on MN a long time (penis beaker, naice ham, Maui etc etc).

My cousin emailed yesterday to say they are having a First birthday party for their DS on December 23rd. The venue is about an hour's drive each way. My cousin and I are not close, we tend to only see each other at big family occasions but get along well enough. Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

My heart sank when I saw the date to be honest. DH and I are both Teachers and we break up late this year so don't finish work until the 22nd, which obviously leaves two days to get organised for Christmas. DH and I are hosting both sets of parents this year plus his Grandparents so we will have a fair bit to do. I was really hoping to have a productive day on the 23rd so I can actually spend part of Christmas Eve relaxing with the DC this year.

I just spoke to my DM and mentioned that I was thinking we might not go and she made it very clear she thought I was being unreasonable. She thinks it will "look bad" if the whole family isn't there and that being busy in the run up to Christmas "isn't a good enough excuse". I told her that IMO if you organise an event two days before Christmas you probably expect that some people will decline as it's such a busy time.
DH is sat firmly on the fence and says it's up to me as it's my family.

So, MN jury, what do you think? WIBU to politely decline or is it likely to cause great offence?

OP posts:
Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 22/10/2017 18:35

Nope yanbu , they are having the child's patty much later than the actual birthday ! Presumably because they are too busy to squeeze it in during Christmas party season, I wouldn't go that close to Christmas either.

Wallywobbles · 22/10/2017 18:35

For a 1st birthday it is not essential. It wouldn’t be a 3 line whip in my family (or any other). I might go as a pre-Christmas family bash which should be fun but only if you are going to make a day of it. Not to spend more time driving than attending.

user1471449805 · 22/10/2017 18:36

It will look bad? Really?

helensburgh · 22/10/2017 18:36

In view of them.making it that date to suit thrmselves and its not the childs actual birthday id give it a miss.

Piratesandpants · 22/10/2017 18:36

YANBU. And FWIW I remember well the end of the autumn term as a teacher... YADNBU.

Sweetnessishere · 22/10/2017 18:37

If it was me it's unlikely I would go, I will also be finishing work on 22nd, not a teacher but wouldn't be able to take the 21/22 off either.

Having said that we have never been to a cousins child's birthday party, unless you count my DC 18th.

We do usually meet up around Christmas but the 23rd would be a no for everyone.

For a Christening, maybe, but I will only go to christenings where the parents are churchgoers, not just as an excuse for a party.

SugarPlumLairy · 22/10/2017 18:37

Decline, send nice card and pressie if you haven't already.
If it was so very important to be their for his birthday they would have planned it for 2 weeks earlier when the actual birthday took place.
So no, I wouldn't go, wouldn't feel guillty, they've done what's best for them. You do what's vex for you. Simples.
But do send nice polite note to decline.

Leeds2 · 22/10/2017 18:38

I wouldn't go, no. But I think that if you actually want to, there is plenty of time to go to the party and do all the rest of the necessary preparations.

SeaCabbage · 22/10/2017 18:40

So it's either upsetting your mother or upsetting your husband and kids. Because it will add to your stress significantly.

Is your mother usually so uncaring?

Apologise to your cousin and wish them well. I am sure they will cope.

Look after yourself, you have enough on your plate.

Original poster
Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 18:40

It will look bad? Really?

My side of the family (particularly DM) are always very concerned with how things look unfortunately. One of the reasons I don't relish the prospect of family get togethers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 18:42

Is your mother usually so uncaring?

She worries excessively about what other people think. It's the way she was brought up unfortunately. She also has a difficult relationship with my Aunty (DM of the cousin who's throwing the party) and I suppose she might be worried that shell make a fuss about me not being there. It's all ridiculous I know.

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 22/10/2017 18:44

I find it very odd that it is expected for members of the extended family to attend a first birthday party. You definitely are not being unreasonable in not wishing to go, especially during a time when you have a lot of immediate family responsibilities.

user1471449805 · 22/10/2017 18:47

DM needs to grow up.

Don't go, you'll be doing them all a kindness by giving them someone to talk about!

Well played, DH.

DownTownAbbey · 22/10/2017 18:51

A first birthday day party is never for the child.

They've presumably prioritised another Christmas event or they'd be having it nearer the date. Why should you be put out for an event they weren't prepared to prioritise themselves?

Swirlingasong · 22/10/2017 18:51

My family was a bit like this, op. If you are not close to your cousin, what are the chances you have been invited because your aunt 'thinks it will look bad' if you are not invited? In which case, your cousin will not mind, may even be relieved as it will cut down on numbers. Just send a card and small present and ignore your DM.

EliseC1965 · 22/10/2017 18:54

He’s 1 not 21. Kid won’t even notice. I finish on the Thursday 21st (FE teacher) and I’m dreading the break, with a houseful of vegan stepchildren and first step-grandchild. There is no way I’d be losing a day of Xmas prep for a baby’s party.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/10/2017 18:55

You can’t have a birthday party 2days before Xmas and expect relatives to travel to a party. I’d send your regrets. If they couldn’t have the party on the weekend closest, they should have had it the one prior or organised themselves better. It’s hardly a surprise that their child is turning 1. It sounds very self absorbed. Different if the baby was born at Christmas obviously but even then it would have been better to do it between Xmas and new year.

BewareOfDragons · 22/10/2017 18:57

I wouldn't go under the circumstances, and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2017 19:00

It's just a kids first birthday and they live an hour away and it's on 23rd? What sort of human being would go? It's just a ridiculous ask surely?

gamerchick · 22/10/2017 19:01

A first birthday, what the fucks the point? It’s not as if all their lights are on yet so they know what’s happening.

Stick to you guns OP. Your mother will just have to suck it up.

expatinscotland · 22/10/2017 19:02

Don't go.

Oleanderrules · 22/10/2017 19:03

Don’t go - it’s just a first birthday party - think your mum is being a bit over the top

diddl · 22/10/2017 19:03

If it was going to be a lovely chance to catch up with extended family at Christmastime then I'd go.

If not...

waterrat · 22/10/2017 19:03

wouldn't go if it was me. Please remember they won't be giving it much thought - do not listen to your mum - they care about having their actual friends there and if you say oh sorry I'm busy they won't give it 5 minutes more thought.

how can it look bad - they don't know whether or not you have plans already!

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 22/10/2017 19:04

Honestly if its a first birthday party then it sounds like it will be cups of tea and cake. I'm surprised they have invited so many family to the party.I would call your cousin, apologise and say that being so close to Christmas you are simply too busy to make it to the party. Tell her you have a gift for her ds and you can post it to him for his actual birthday or you can arrange to meet up before or after Christmas to meet up.

My dh and I got married close to Christmas and our daughter was baptised early December time. On both occasions we realised that people may not be able to afford / find time to make it up with Christmas being so close. It sounds like a lot of your Mums family have been invited and she wants you all there to show off her grandchildren. Actually I would send your DC with your parents then you will have a full day to prepare without having to deal with very excited kids!!!