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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this birthday party? **title edited by MNHQ**

218 replies

Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 18:15

Name changed but been on MN a long time (penis beaker, naice ham, Maui etc etc).

My cousin emailed yesterday to say they are having a First birthday party for their DS on December 23rd. The venue is about an hour's drive each way. My cousin and I are not close, we tend to only see each other at big family occasions but get along well enough. Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

My heart sank when I saw the date to be honest. DH and I are both Teachers and we break up late this year so don't finish work until the 22nd, which obviously leaves two days to get organised for Christmas. DH and I are hosting both sets of parents this year plus his Grandparents so we will have a fair bit to do. I was really hoping to have a productive day on the 23rd so I can actually spend part of Christmas Eve relaxing with the DC this year.

I just spoke to my DM and mentioned that I was thinking we might not go and she made it very clear she thought I was being unreasonable. She thinks it will "look bad" if the whole family isn't there and that being busy in the run up to Christmas "isn't a good enough excuse". I told her that IMO if you organise an event two days before Christmas you probably expect that some people will decline as it's such a busy time.
DH is sat firmly on the fence and says it's up to me as it's my family.

So, MN jury, what do you think? WIBU to politely decline or is it likely to cause great offence?

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/10/2017 20:12

She didn't Born, she said it in case anyone suggested taking leave.

Ragwort · 22/10/2017 20:31

Of course you don't need to go, it's your mother's issue if she finds it hard to understand. Surely as a teacher you are used to being assertive (I made this comment to another teacher on MN just the other day) - I can't even see it's an 'issue' - only on MN do people get so het up over invitations. Just politely decline, you don't need to give any reason or just say 'sorry we have a prior engagement'.

HolyShet · 22/10/2017 20:31

Of course it's fine not to go, especially if you are not close.

But your excuse is pretty pitiful. Christmas is the same day every year. Do stuff in advance. Your cousin's invited you, I imagine, to be nice. It's an extra Christmas party with that side of the family. Live a little and go enjoy their company. Or you know, go to Morrisons and buy sausagemeat.

Bezm · 22/10/2017 20:38

I wouldn't go to a cousins child's first birthday party, whenever it was being held! I wouldn't even go to a cousins party.
I wold just say no. But if you feel you can't, then say you'll go, but cry off the day before with a sudden onset of vomiting 😷🤢

Original poster
Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 20:41

Just to clarify (again) I'm not using the fact that we're teachers as an excuse not to go. I only mentioned it in my OP because I anticipated lots of people might suggest I try to take the Friday off work do get stuff done then instead. I came to teaching relatively late after working in a different field so I'm under no illusions that it is the only busy/stressful job out there.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 22/10/2017 20:44

I love it the way teachers make a point about working 55 hours a week like no one else in the world does this. I think it's because they see parents do pick up at 3 pm so presume everyone else does the same. But a lot of those people doing pick ups might be childminders or Grandparents, and a lot of parents do return to jobs where yes, they work long hours just like you. As an aside, I'd like to know how they work 55 hours a week when I drive past our junior school at five or 5.30 and they have all gone home.

GherkinSnatch · 22/10/2017 20:45

Tabby because presumably they're having to do marking and prep work in the evenings and weekends outside the school?

Maelstrop · 22/10/2017 20:45

I wouldn't go, nor would I be jumping to do as dm required. Sod appearances, I'd be too knackered.

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2017 20:45

Sorrywheresmejumper....my comments are not aimed at you, but others who have posted on here.

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/10/2017 20:46

It'd be a hell no from me!

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2017 20:47

Gherkin....and you think others don't work in the evenings and weekends too? Honestly...long hours are not exclusively for teachers you know.

BewareOfDragons · 22/10/2017 20:47

The teachers I know take a lot of their marking home with them, Tabby, and mark well into their evenings and at weekends.

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2017 20:49

And Gherkin, they only have to do this for about 40 weeks per year where other mere mortals have to do it much longer.

Darkstar4855 · 22/10/2017 20:49

YANBU. The child won't notice or care if you're not there. If you have a party two days before Christmas you can't expect people to be free, most people are busy getting everything ready for the big day.

WrenNatsworthy · 22/10/2017 20:49

Bloody hell - is it be nasty to teachers day?

Screw what your Mum says - it's the end of term, you deserve a rest and a bit of chill out time.

TabbyMumz · 22/10/2017 20:51

Beware of dragons.....yes, they possibly do...but then a lot of other people also have to work evenings and weekends. Just trying to say that teachers are not the only ones who work long hours.

Original poster
Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 20:57

Thank you all.

I've decided I'm going to decline and send a gift and a card instead. Thank you all for your responses and sorry my reference to teaching seems to have derailed the thread somewhat!

OP posts:
Watchingcountryfile · 22/10/2017 21:02

It's a daft time of year to have a first birthday party and expect extended family to travel.
The end of the autumn term is an absolute killer. I'd decline politely and send a nice present.

Dogsmom · 22/10/2017 21:08

I'd go but then I love a party no matter what the event and it'd be an ideal opportunity to dish out and Christmas cards and presents plus gets all the family visiting over and done with in one go.

TheFickleFingerOfFate · 22/10/2017 21:50

It's not a Royal Command for Pete's sake. If you'd planned to go abroad for the hols you wouldn't even be worrying. Don't go, it's not convenient and you just have too much to do. You're taking the DC to the christmas fayre anyway that evening. Send a really nice gift along with your apologies.

Ellendegeneres · 22/10/2017 21:55

I know you've decided now which is brilliant, but I wouldn't even contemplate it.
Know what my ds did for his first birthday? Crawled around a bit, had a couple of naps, crapped himself, said his few favourite words on repeat and clapped when we sang happy birthday. Then cried when the candles were blown out. Then laughed when he was given balloons to play with. Then bed. They're simple souls, one year olds. They don't want a party. They want cuddles and balloons and songs.

LellyMcKelly · 22/10/2017 22:02

You could take the kids and send DH out to do the shopping while you're away?

callmeadoctor · 22/10/2017 22:45

Or you could send DH Wink

beingsunny · 22/10/2017 22:57

I would go, the child won’t remember but it’s an important event for family.
I’d try and get organised by doing food shopping online etc, it’s only an afternoon so you can throw in laundry etc in the morning and yes it might be a rush but probably worthwhile.

Lolodizzyone · 22/10/2017 22:59

Hi, just wanted to say am so glad that you are not going. You will be shattered as it's the end of term and hosting two sets of parents needs some careful planning/preparation. You will be able to enjoy Christmas Eve so much more if you have the 23rd free.
Hope you can disregard the less than helpful comments re teachers too. Xx