To not go to this birthday party? **title edited by MNHQ**

[Wheresmejumpa]

Name changed but been on MN a long time (penis beaker, naice ham, Maui etc etc).

My cousin emailed yesterday to say they are having a First birthday party for their DS on December 23rd. The venue is about an hour's drive each way. My cousin and I are not close, we tend to only see each other at big family occasions but get along well enough. Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

My heart sank when I saw the date to be honest. DH and I are both Teachers and we break up late this year so don't finish work until the 22nd, which obviously leaves two days to get organised for Christmas. DH and I are hosting both sets of parents this year plus his Grandparents so we will have a fair bit to do. I was really hoping to have a productive day on the 23rd so I can actually spend part of Christmas Eve relaxing with the DC this year.

I just spoke to my DM and mentioned that I was thinking we might not go and she made it very clear she thought I was being unreasonable. She thinks it will "look bad" if the whole family isn't there and that being busy in the run up to Christmas "isn't a good enough excuse". I told her that IMO if you organise an event two days before Christmas you probably expect that some people will decline as it's such a busy time.
DH is sat firmly on the fence and says it's up to me as it's my family.

So, MN jury, what do you think? WIBU to politely decline or is it likely to cause great offence?

Absolutely wouldn't go, if you feel bad about it say you will go then cry off with vomiting bug

God, I wouldn't dream of going . Why is your mother getting the arse on behalf of your cousin? Are you and your cousin close?

As a not normal person teacher myself I feel your pain; the final weeks before Christmas can be a nightmare. I would definitely not be going but would perhaps send a nice card if they want keepsakes etc of the day. YANBU. Hope you have a restful break

I would go. You know 8 weeks in advance so plan accordingly.

A cousin’s child’s first birthday.
I would think twice before crossing the street for that let alone driving an hour when there is so much else that needs to be done.

I wouldn't go. Especially as his actual birthday will have been weeks earlier. What a stupid date to choose.

If I was hosting Christmas for 2 sets of parents no way would I be going! I’d rather catch up with them in January when less stressed and get to actually spend time with them.

I wouldn't go. Especially as his actual birthday will have been weeks earlier. What a stupid date to choose.

I would not go - you have a lot to organise and you only finish the day before. Just say you are meeting a friend or something.

Given that the party is 2 weeks after the kids actual birthday, there is no way is even consider attending if it were me.

How unthoughtful of them organising a christening/birthday party 2 days before Xmas. Quite a feather ruffling and emotive thing for them to have done.

It's hardly going to be a boozy all nighter, id pop over for an hour or two. Surely, with this much notice, you can organise most of Xmas beforehand? What's such a big deal to organise?

I wouldn't go, just send a card and gift.

I would not go, unless I wanted to. Be as vague as you like about why you cannot go.

To choose the date so close to Christmas is actually quite selfish of them.

Plus it really is not your mum's place to tell you what you should and should not do!

If it looks bad not attending, maybe it looks bad having it so close to Christmas!

"Heratnumber7* "You do realise that normal beings usually work up to 24th??" I don't and I am a normal being! Plus most people do not work as hard as teachers.

I wouldn't go.

If your mum complains you could point out that you could go to the party, but then there wouldn't be a Christmas dinner for her on the 25th!

Wheresmejumpa "She also has a difficult relationship with my Aunty (DM of the cousin who's throwing the party) and I suppose she might be worried that shell make a fuss about me not being there. It's all ridiculous I know." Time for your mum to support you and not her sister or sister in law or their child/grandchildren.

You do not need to say why you cannot attend, just that you cannot.

Write 'Buy wrapping paper and wrap gifts' in your diary and then say in all honestly, "We have something else on that day."

I wouldn't go and I don't 'work' in the sense of it (I'm a carer for my disabled mum). It's too close to Christmas IMO - it's the last 'proper' day to get prepared as Christmas Eve is on a Sunday with Sunday/Christmas hours etc.

I understand what one of the posters said about people working up to Christmas Eve etc - but a few of my friends are teachers and they're still at school well into the evening and still preparing/marking more when they get home/over weekends where as a lot of other workers get to enjoy/relax during their leisure time.

Maybe set aside a day during half term where possible to do a bit of Christmas admin if you want to have Christmas Eve off - things you can do in advance - people you can delegate to? :)

I wouldn’t go either for a distant relatives party. Most people have better things to do 2 days before Christmas and it’s not like the kid is going to notice you’re not there

Don't go, I woulden't. If your mum is that desparate for family to attend, why does she not go.

I wouldn't go either - and I wouldn't have expected anyone to attend my (recently 1 year old) son's first birthday party either. Only reason I invited some people to my house for a gathering was because he is my first and only, and it was absolutely for ME rather than him .

I extended the invite to whoever in the family wanted to come, and didn't think twice of being upset or bemused that my cousins (and their families) didn't turn up on a Sunday in September where they'd have to commute for an hour. Was sensible, as I wouldn't have gone to theirs either!

I wouldn't go and I say that as a parent if a child who's birthday is on 22nd December. It's a right pain in arse that close to Christmas we have close friends who are teachers they go away for Christmas every year to family they never come to his party as as soon as school breaks up they're off. We have his party either the week before so this year it's 16th but have also had it just after new year. If your bday early December you don't do it nearer to xmas madness

Sorry I haven’t rtft yet but PLEASE don’t use the excuse you’re a teacher for why you can’t go! Most people don’t get 2 weeks off at Christmas (even if you have to work some of it it’s still something you can choose to do when suits). Many people work up until Christmas Eve and plenty works right through the holidays. Don’t go to the party if you don’t want to but don’t use being a teacher as a reason because it isn’t one.

If you've never taught you have no idea how exhausted teachers are by the end of term. It's not unusual to work stupidly long hours that last couple of weeks. It absolutely is an excuse.

Sorry I haven’t rtft yet but PLEASE don’t use the excuse you’re a teacher

If you had read the op’s posts you would see that she only mentioned it so no one suggested that she take annual leave.
Please read the thread, or the ops posts before making comments.

I'd just say as Italian suggested 'Sorry, we've already got something on that day that we can't miss' (Christmas prep, but they don't need to know that) and send a nice present and card. Your mum is overstepping the mark in deciding what you 'have' to go to - that's up to you. Put your immediate family first.

I wouldn't mention anything about it being related to teaching, because (as you've seen here) some people react better to that than others. But you have my sympathy. And I bet your cousin won't be bothered anyway!