To not go to this birthday party? **title edited by MNHQ**

[Wheresmejumpa]

Name changed but been on MN a long time (penis beaker, naice ham, Maui etc etc).

My cousin emailed yesterday to say they are having a First birthday party for their DS on December 23rd. The venue is about an hour's drive each way. My cousin and I are not close, we tend to only see each other at big family occasions but get along well enough. Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

My heart sank when I saw the date to be honest. DH and I are both Teachers and we break up late this year so don't finish work until the 22nd, which obviously leaves two days to get organised for Christmas. DH and I are hosting both sets of parents this year plus his Grandparents so we will have a fair bit to do. I was really hoping to have a productive day on the 23rd so I can actually spend part of Christmas Eve relaxing with the DC this year.

I just spoke to my DM and mentioned that I was thinking we might not go and she made it very clear she thought I was being unreasonable. She thinks it will "look bad" if the whole family isn't there and that being busy in the run up to Christmas "isn't a good enough excuse". I told her that IMO if you organise an event two days before Christmas you probably expect that some people will decline as it's such a busy time.
DH is sat firmly on the fence and says it's up to me as it's my family.

So, MN jury, what do you think? WIBU to politely decline or is it likely to cause great offence?

let's put it this way. If you not close enough for it to be a problem if you don't go to your cousin's own birthday then it doesn't matter if you don't go to her child's birthday

normal beings? So rude. Teachers work and average 55 hour week and are therefore knackered at the end of term.
Op yanbu. Just send a nice card and pressie.

*an

Your DM is being ridiculous.

First birthday parties of anyone who's not your child or grandchild are to be avoided like the plague.

Send a card, a present if you want to, and think no more about it.

The child is one they won't have the foggiest who is there or not something I go by nowadays is 'never feel obliged' given your job it's a valid reason imo not to go

I have never been to any of my cousins children's birthday parties, 1st or otherwise. Nor they to mine. Ditto my DH and his cousins.

I don't even know when any of their birthdays are.
Maybe we are unusual though.

If your kids are small too then it’s probably most productive if you take them to the party and let dh blitz / prepare the house and pre-prep the food while you’re all out.

YANBU don't go!

Decline!

There's no way I would go. And our schools break up on the 15th

I wouldn't go. It's too close to Christmas when we're all extra busy and usually have extra commitments socially. As such I think it's selfish for people (extended family) to host an event so close to Christmas.

Can you suddenly 'remember' a prior commitment you already have on that date that you'd forgotten about?!

I'd send a card with apologies and a small gift.

I think there was a similar thread on here last year when someone was getting married really close to Christmas and the OP felt the same as you about trying to fit it in and pay for the expense at what is already an expensive and busy time of year for many people.

Tell your dm actually you will go but ob will be too busy to sort Xmas day out so can she host numerous relatives instead!?

I wouldn't go. You will only feel resentful all the time you are there and keep thinking about all the things you could be doing instead!

Just send the little one a present and say sorry it is too close to Christmas and you have other commitments.

And tell your DM that it will "Look Bad" if DH's family turn up for Christmas dinner and you are not properly organised, because you have been at a party instead of sorting things out for your guests.

YANBU! The end of the autumn/winter term is a killer.

I'd go. It will be all lovely and festive and exciting so close to christmas.

I've been known to set our christmas day table three or four days before the big day if we're busy and if not that early it's always done by 23rd at the latest because we spend christmas eve with the in-laws 30 miles away.

Are your children old enough for you to explain that the house needs to be kept clean and tidy in the lead up to Christmas? At least then it will cut down on the time needed for last minute tidying/cleaning.

Whatever you decide to do......hope you have a good one! 🎅

I sympathise my DM is like that too and manages to make me feel guilty about family events/birthdays etc with the implication that somehow family reputation rests on my shoulders.

So I understand your dilemma but you must not allow yourself to be guilty into attending. In a couple of years time mo one will even remember if you were there or not. It's actually fine to prioritise your own family.

I think it’s relevant that the op and her dh are teachers. Lots of people choose to take a day off in December to do preparation (I work in childcare and lots of parents tell me they are taking a day off to go shopping as they can’t get it done at the weekend because the dc are always about). The op has no chance to do this, they break up late compared to other areas so will need the 23rd to get everything done.
I think the suggestion of you going with the dc and leaving dh to get stuff done might be a good compromise if you feel you really must go though but I would feel no guilt in declining the invite, especially at this early stage.

Did your cousin attend your DC first birthday party?
Did you have a big family party for your DC first?

You have a few options.
Go and enjoy it, being aware that you will probably spend the 24th preparing.
Send the children with your Mum.
Go with the children yourself leaving your dh at home preparing.
Don’t go at all but let your cousin know now and send a gift up with your Mum.

This is a situation where you either end up unhappy yourself one way or another or upset your Mum. You can’t win!!

Don't go, send a pressie.

Bloody daft time to have a party, 2 days before Christmas.

I wouldn’t go. It’s not a wedding or christening or big birthday.

As an adult I wouldn’t do something just because my mum told me. But also I’d go to the party and leave my husband at home to get some organizing done if he didn’t want to come too.
For me it would be a nice time to catch up with family. That’s what’s important, not stressing so much about everything being perfect for one day.

Fucks sake we break up on that day, I'm either drinking my body weight in gin, crying because my tree isn't up, cooking like a demon or all three. Your mum needs to understand no. (And lots of people are finishing on Friday that don't teach, so 🖕🏻)

I wouldn't go no matter what time of year.

Honestly I just wouldn’t go. It’s a cousin’s child’s first birthday. And it’s 2 days before Christmas. If I was the cousin I really would t be offended.