Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this birthday party? **title edited by MNHQ**

218 replies

Wheresmejumpa · 22/10/2017 18:15

Name changed but been on MN a long time (penis beaker, naice ham, Maui etc etc).

My cousin emailed yesterday to say they are having a First birthday party for their DS on December 23rd. The venue is about an hour's drive each way. My cousin and I are not close, we tend to only see each other at big family occasions but get along well enough. Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

My heart sank when I saw the date to be honest. DH and I are both Teachers and we break up late this year so don't finish work until the 22nd, which obviously leaves two days to get organised for Christmas. DH and I are hosting both sets of parents this year plus his Grandparents so we will have a fair bit to do. I was really hoping to have a productive day on the 23rd so I can actually spend part of Christmas Eve relaxing with the DC this year.

I just spoke to my DM and mentioned that I was thinking we might not go and she made it very clear she thought I was being unreasonable. She thinks it will "look bad" if the whole family isn't there and that being busy in the run up to Christmas "isn't a good enough excuse". I told her that IMO if you organise an event two days before Christmas you probably expect that some people will decline as it's such a busy time.
DH is sat firmly on the fence and says it's up to me as it's my family.

So, MN jury, what do you think? WIBU to politely decline or is it likely to cause great offence?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 23/10/2017 01:07

The day after end of term is an absolute no go zone for me (especially as I am in Australia, and the 22nd is actually end of the school year for us). The day after is for me to catch my breath, try and put some of my stuff away, sleep in, and just generally chill out.

TakeMe2Insanity · 23/10/2017 05:58

Don't go.

Our dc is born on the 23rd, we just accept that he is going to have a lifetime of immediate family only birthday parties or parties that are a few weeks before or after the 23rd.

Besides the 23rd is a saturday this year definitely not the day for a 'summons' style party.

MargeryB · 23/10/2017 06:43

Am I the only one who feels sad for the cousin trying to host a nice family event that people couldn't be bothered to go to? First birthday parties aren't for the baby they are for the parents to celebrate their family, and that they made it through the first year.

All the people I know with December birthdays have a lifetime of stories about people who can't be arsed/are skint on their birthdays so their birthdays end up as a non event. It's not exactly good for their self esteem.

Loads of people are saying there lots of christmas prep to do that day, but I can't think of anything you'd need to do that couldn't be done much further in advance or at the last minute to be honest.

PoppyFleur · 23/10/2017 07:01

I know some posters don't read the whole thread but can some not even be bothered to read the OP?

Their DS actually turns one a couple of weeks earlier but apparently this was the only weekend they were free to have the party.

The child turns 1 earlier in December but it's not convenient for the parents to host a party then. Well, 23 December is not convenient for Wheres.

Send a card and gift with your apologies that unfortunately you have plans arranged for that day. Then relax and enjoy your Christmas prep.

scaryteacher · 23/10/2017 07:26

I wouldn't go as you'll be knackered, the end of the long autumn term is a killer. The roads will be hell on wheels as I expect loads will be travelling for Christmas and the hour drive might well morph into more.

Your own kids will be tired as well. No way on the first day of the holidays did I want to do anything other than sleep and potter around at home.

soapboxqueen · 23/10/2017 07:32

I'm glad your not going OP. End of term is hellish anyway never mind a few day turb around for a big event. I do think the teaching element was relevant even though it had derailed the thread a little.

AtHomeDadGlos · 23/10/2017 08:13

You’ve made the right call. You’ll be teaching right up to the day before, with all the assessment due in in the days leading up to the end of term - you’ll be knackered!

And to tabbymumz - what’s your job?

Purplepenguins · 23/10/2017 08:23

You are considering going the day after you break up? Are you mad? I have no intention of leaving my bed. The DC will.be in straight jackets and gagged, the dogs will be walking themselves and I will be recovering from the madness known as reception Grin

MadMags · 23/10/2017 08:33

I agree with the suggestion to send your mum with the kids! You'll get loads more done!

Skarossinkplunger · 23/10/2017 08:34

I was that child with the Christmas birthday and it’s fucking awful. No-one can make it to your parties. (Actually hasn’t changed much now I’m an adult)

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2017 08:51

You said you are not close to her, and it's an hour drive away, not local. If I was closer to her you probably wou,d gave gone. You are not obliged to do anything.

SavoyCabbage · 23/10/2017 08:53

I’d say that I was thinking of driving over to see the child and give him his birthday on such and such weekend, close to his birthday.

Phineyj · 23/10/2017 08:55

Right decision - DD has 26th Dec bday and no way would I do party on 23rd, unless it was for people staying with us or immediate family.

Ginseng1 · 23/10/2017 09:08

You're not close & it's an hour away I wouldn't even consider it. Nice of her to ask you though (& maybe she was just asking out of politeness!) so card & pres is nice to send.

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2017 09:50

I'd just see it as part of the Christmas fun. It might "only" be your cousin's child but presumably, lots of your family will be there. I love seeing family around Christmas and a few hours at what is an event aimed at the celebration of joy surrounded by family is exactly what Christmas is about for me.

Irrelevant I know as you've decided to decline and never wanted to go in the first place but I seem to be out of kilter with the rest of MN where Xmas is concerned. I don't get the whole fuck everybody else, do your own thing, it's Christmas so screw them and their lives thing (can you tell I have a Christmas birthday and have felt like an inconvenience for 36 years?).

operaha · 23/10/2017 10:31

For a cousin's baby?
I am v close to my cousins (although they are all childless at present) but definitely wouldnt be doing that on 23rd December :S
I went to my own niece's 1st birthday the other day under duress - it was shit. She is a baby and there were loads of babies there - nightmare.

The worst one I ever went to was my husbands cousins babies 1st birthday. THERE WAS A CAKE SMASH AND NO ALCOHOL. It was ridicuous.

Butterymuffin · 23/10/2017 10:46

Sympathy for you Skaross and Show, but this child doesn't really have j Christmas birthday, it was a few weeks ago! Parents haven't helped matters by delaying the party to Christmas week itself. They'll probably know better for next year.

BiddyPop · 23/10/2017 10:55

Does your DM realise that you had planned on getting sorted out for hosting HER a couple of days later? And that she might be embarrassed in front of your PILs if you cannot get it together in time and look like she hasn't raised you right?!

(Light-hearted!! I don't think it matters a toss to your DPILs most likely - but if your DM is so worried about appearances, it may be a way to get out of it?).

You could consider going for an hour if it is relatively local and you could do a job or 2 en route/on return. Around the rest of your plans for the couple of days (might there be something you could do with YOUR DCs as well, on the margins - but get them to do a job at home that this is a reward for - like making heir own beds and tidying their rooms? Or something more useful to the communal cause if they are older and capable enough?).

Do some lists of the jobs you need to do overall.

Think about what you can do ahead of time - freezing, prepping earlier, buying in etc.

Think about what you can do in short bursts of time - like making breadcrumbs, or making 1 bed, or cleaning 1 bathroom.

Pull back from the need for perfection.

And also think about what you could do before going out on both 23rd and 24th to enjoy family time - include DH in the jobs, and DCs if possible. It might mean re-jigging your planned schedule but may be possible.

But if having looked at the needs that you must accomplish, then you don't think it's possible to do it all (and no one says you must!), just tell DCousin that actually, you had already got plans for the day. Thank her for the invitation and send a nice present, but just as she was too busy earlier in the month, so are you now on that day (which is generally busy for most people at this point in time and lots of people have already made their plans).

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2017 10:57

The child is having a Christmas birthday party because that's the only time they could fit it in. Christmas trumps other people's celebrations, thus has it always been. Personally, I am happy to spare a few hours to see family at Christmas. Most people on here aren't. It's fine. You just say no thank you.

Noodledoodledoo · 23/10/2017 11:29

I am going to go against the tide here and say you should go. Oh and I am also a teacher so get the knackeredness element, but I would still go.

Give your DM jobs to do to help you prep for thier arrival - tell her its stuff you would have done if you had stayed at home, - ie prep puddings, veg, other bits you can do pre Christmas, tell her she will be making her bed when she gets to you etc!!

If you have kids take them with you but leave DH at home and he can crack on with some of the jobs.

Personally don't see the issue.

TabbyMumz · 23/10/2017 11:31

Athomedadglos...my job is immaterial. I was merely answering another poster who made the point that teachers work 55 hours a week and other mere mortals don't.

Babyblade · 23/10/2017 11:46

YANBU - this is you DM's problem, not yours. It's an invitation not a summons!

That being said - I "hope" we're not related. My DM is throwing a BIG family party on the 23rd Dec this year. My siblings are visiting from Australia and we'll be celebrating my DNephew's first birthday. The difference here is that she's given everyone 11 months notice (one cousin is travelling from Channel Islands to be there for the day! Shock) . Everyone will be welcome with open arms but she understands that not everyone will be able to make it.

If we are related (and as said above), it's your DM who's got the problem and not you!

BiddyPop · 23/10/2017 12:35

I forgot to say - if your DM is insisting that you go, you are perfectly within your rights to delegate one or more jobs to her that you would otherwise be doing in preparation for hosting her and others. So ask her to bring a large pot of potatoes peeled and ready for the oven, or similar, more grunt-work than "lovely touches" jobs she would get praised for Xmas Grin

MidniteScribbler · 23/10/2017 12:43

I was merely answering another poster who made the point that teachers work 55 hours a week and other mere mortals don't.

What other people do is irrelevant. This is about how the OP will feel on that particular day.

The last week of a term is when a classroom turns into the planet of the apes. It's exhausting, and if you're anything like me, I usually have some sort of cold or flu bug hanging around just waiting to bitch slap me on the day after school finishes.

Hissy · 23/10/2017 12:50

I imagine the ONLY person worried about whether you go or not will be your DM. I am willing to bet that your cousin (hopefully a rational human being) will know that no-one in their right mind would schlep anywhere on the last day before christmas unless their own arse was on fire. the roads will be a nightmare.