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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her she’ll have to pay if she wants her other son to come?

222 replies

MadameJosephine · 20/10/2017 18:53

Took invitations for DD’s birthday party into school this morning and the very first RSVP text has asked if they can bring a sibling. The cost of the party is £13 a head so my feeling is that if he wants to come she’ll have to pay for him.

Can any of you clever mumsnetters help me word a reply please? Bear in mind this mum is a TA at DDs school so I certainly don’t want to piss her off

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameJosephine · 23/10/2017 08:46

Still no reply. DD’s dad thinks she must be on mumsnet and has read the thread! I hope not but if so I hope she realises I was just asking for advice on how to handle the situation not criticising

OP posts:

eosmum · 23/10/2017 08:49

If she was on Mumsnet she wouldn't have asked :)

QueenAmongstMen · 23/10/2017 09:01

If she was on Mumsnet she wouldn't have asked

sleeponeday · 23/10/2017 09:32

Well, I've never needed to ask, but I've had numerous parents ask me and I've never minded at all. I don't see the problem, as long as there's no expectation that extra sibs are funded by the host parents.

Isetan · 23/10/2017 09:48

I don’t see why you’re tying yourself in knots about this, it was a request and you can say no.

How are you going to teach your children assertiveness if you’re stressing over something as trivial as this. Start as you mean to go on and practicing what hopefully your going to teach your children, that no is a complete sentence and therefore doesn’t need justification or explanation.

Evelynismyspyname · 23/10/2017 12:05

MadMags the party being about the birthday child is why people always try to provide the requested guest isn't it?

I once went to drop off dc2 at a party (in the middle of the school holiday) and the poor mum took me aside and asked me to go and round up my other kids and any other spare children I could find as only one other guest had turned up and her son was starting to crumple! Luckily I still had my 7 seater then and provided 4 extra children (mine and our neighbor's) all of whom at least knew the birthday boy, so it was still a party of sorts!

When I threw a birthday party, especially when my kids were younger, I was always happy other parents were willing to inconvenience themselves to provide guests, otherwise it would not have been much of a party!

However I always did invite all kids in family when mine were tiny, then drop and run unless you explicitly need to stay. Only once did someone try to drop off an uninvited sibling - that is inexcusable as childcare is the only reason to bring uninvited siblings.

LagunaBubbles · 23/10/2017 12:16

Still haven’t heard anything back from her after sending what I thought was a reasonable reply. I hope I haven’t put my foot in it

Why on earth would you be putting your foot in it with your reply regarding paying for sibling...do you have an unlimited fund to pay for all the siblings of all the invitees? No.

littlebird77 · 23/10/2017 13:20

I am always amazed people do this, terrible manners just adding on siblings. The invitation is for the addressed guest and not half a dozen siblings.

I would simply reply for the party sadly siblings are not invited due to limited numbers. End of. I would NOT be arranging lifts or skirting around the issue. If they need to make arrangements to get their child to the party that it is for them to do and definitely not you.

Some people have no manners at all.

littlebird77 · 23/10/2017 13:24

That are not welcome at your party if they do not even have the decency to reply to your message. My guess is she is simply organising lifts before getting back to you.

If she is sulking that is beyond being childish!!

Coming on here is not a crime, and asking for advice is definitely fine. Hopefully she will read the replies and think twice about doing it next year.

BTW next year on the invites make sure you put sorry no siblings so you can avoid a car crash with the same woman.

littlebird77 · 23/10/2017 13:24

car crash meaning argument and not a real car crash Obv!

StarUtopia · 23/10/2017 17:45

I"m new to all this 'party' stuff. Have to say, it's not much fun so far!

We're trying to do a house party to avoid all this, but want the parents to drop and pick up afterwards (small house plus means we can organise the kids without the parents) I would think this was bliss, but I've got two sets of parents who are insisting on staying.

I think it means that the children will misbehave (they are both a bit of a pain, but I think they'd be different/better without the parents there)

StefMay · 23/10/2017 18:29

If it is a person with siblings known to my DDs then fine but when someone rocks up with their son who is 2 yrs older than mine to a venue with fixed numbers and starts taking part in the games.... well then F**k off. He had the nerve to sit at the party table and start on food/cake etc...

With DD1 parties I was polite. DD2..?NO. I asked her to take her child out as my DD does not know him and he was not invited and she had not even asked if she could bring. CF.

If you don't know me and you can't get a babysitter, then see if someone can bring your child for you. If you can't then politely decline the invite as it is not my job to pay extra as you won't fork out for the babysitter.

There are 2 issues that P* me off.

When your sibling has not ever met my child
You expect the sibling to take part in games/eat party food at a cost to me when you have not let me know or even offered

If you let me know then I can at least tell you if it's an option - it's my DD's party not yours. Just like bl**dy weddings where everyone thinks they are more important than the bride.

This may seem harsh but I'm fed up of people doing this and thinking it's ok. It's not.

Ooohlalalala · 23/10/2017 20:05

I'd just say, aw, I'm afraid not.
No explanation needed.

bridgetreilly · 23/10/2017 20:06

Just say no. You don't have to make any excuses. Sibling wasn't invited.

sunshine11 · 25/10/2017 08:33

Do you mind the other kid being there? Im sure mum is expecting to have to pay. If you don't mind an extra guest a simple 'of course he can come, it's £13 per head - will you sort out his ticket or should I and you can pay me on the day'.

Really not a big deal!

Peeetle · 25/10/2017 08:51

I had an older sibling turn up to dd1’s 5th birthday - he was about 11 so massive age gap. I fed him and fixed the pass the parcel so he won, in order not to make him feel embarrassed about gatecrashing. Don’t know what I was thinking.

Leilaniii · 25/10/2017 08:57

Am I alone in thinking it's absolutely fine to bring a sibling? I wouldn't mind tbh. Probably because I always have to take an extra child to any parties we attend. If there was any cost involved, I would be happy to pay though.

Maybe give her the option? "Sure, sibling is welcome to come, but are you OK to pay the GBP 15 for his place?"

PoppyPopcorn · 25/10/2017 09:09

It is not the done thing to stay at parties here for children in the last year of nursery or Primary 1. (4 to 5 year olds). I have been to parties at soft play centres where some parents have stayed and had a coffee with a younger sibling, but have made very sure to pay separately and keep the sibling well away from teh food and cake.

From the child's perspective, they want a party with their friends. They don't want their friends' siblings hanging around too, or they'd get an invitation in their own right.

overloadedwithchocolatecake · 25/10/2017 09:16

My husband works most weekends. He tries to swap his shifts around or take leave so he can look after one of the dc's when the other has a party, but with so many parties it's not always (in fact very rarely) possible. I HATE having to ask if I can bring DS2 along :( I find it so embarrassing. I always offer to pay and explain it's because we haven't got childcare :( but I generally haven't been taken up on my offer to pay (and when I have I feel totally cool with that! Actually prefer it!!), most parents have been really lovely about accommodating Sibling.

On a couple of occasions it has taken a long time to sort childcare when we knew siblings weren't allowed, so it can take a while for the parents to reply in this case, while they wait to see what they can do.

It hasn't happened yet, but I'm not looking forward to the day that one of my DCs can't attend a party because i can't get childcarefor the other and siblings aren't allowed! But I will completely understand the situation and the responsibility is all mine - party organisers are entitled to make their own rules about siblings, it's only fair!

Can't wait til DCs are old enough to be dropped and collected! That will solve the sibling dillemma for me!!

Turquoisesea · 25/10/2017 09:20

When DD had a party a few years ago when she was 5, one of the parents brought a sibling (soft play place, so that was no problem). However I had no idea he was coming & when all the invited children sat down for food he plonked himself down. There weren’t enough spaces, so I had to ask the venue to set another place & everyone had to squish up, not too bad. But then at the end when I was giving our party bags, I hadn’t got one for him as didn’t know he was coming & he started crying (he was 7 so not little that he couldn’t understand he wasn’t actually invited) & his dad just stood there letting me squirm. Really annoyed me as had no problem with him coming to the soft play place but for his dad to let him join in with the party uninvited & not explain that it was his brother who was invited was a bit unfair.

PandorasXbox · 25/10/2017 09:29

It’s not always about the extra cost of bringing siblings. There’s a limit to how many children can attend for health and safety reasons Leilaniii that said I think it’s cheeky to ask to bring a sibling along.

Venusflytwat · 25/10/2017 09:38

You’re massively overthinking this!
Your reply was fine. She’s probably just busy or not bothered enough to continue the conversation.

Let it go! Honestly if you get worked up about this sort of thing you’ll have a nervous breakdown by year 6.

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