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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she’ll have to pay if she wants her other son to come?

222 replies

MadameJosephine · 20/10/2017 18:53

Took invitations for DD’s birthday party into school this morning and the very first RSVP text has asked if they can bring a sibling. The cost of the party is £13 a head so my feeling is that if he wants to come she’ll have to pay for him.

Can any of you clever mumsnetters help me word a reply please? Bear in mind this mum is a TA at DDs school so I certainly don’t want to piss her off

OP posts:
MissEliza · 20/10/2017 22:17

Your reply is perfect but I think the mum is cheeky to ask in the first place and it's a shame you feel that because she's a TA at the school you need to handle her carefully.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/10/2017 22:26

Your reply sounds great but actually I would personally just suggest she drops the invited child and picks up. Its likely she will prefer this arrangement especially if ahe knows most or all.of the other parents will be there. I would. If she doesnt go for that then reply about the cost per head.

crimsonlake · 20/10/2017 22:28

I cannot believe someone would be so rude as to even ask the question.

ChasedByBees · 20/10/2017 22:28

That sounds OK but if you don't want siblings there it's fine to say that. It's a large party and with extra siblings it would be unmanageable. That's not offensive.

hibbledobble · 20/10/2017 22:40

It's not rude or cheeky, for many (single parents, those whose partners work over the weekend ) its either attend with a sibling or don't attend at all.

At all of the parties I have arranged I have had people ask if siblings can come, I've always said yes of course. Food, party bags, etc provided for siblings same as party guests. Leaving children out is very mean.

I have also taken siblings to parties. I've always asked, and always been told it's fine.

What would not be ok, would be to not attends attends know just turn up with a sibling. If it doesn't work for you, just say so, but she is asking, not forcing.

AfterBurn · 20/10/2017 23:25

Maybe she meant can sibling come along and watch. I've done this with ds who is too young to leave home alone and younger ds too young to be left at party unsupervised. I've always asked if it's ok on the RSVP, I wouldn't expect them to take part or be fed though unless they offered. Surely parents would rather that than people not be able to come at all?

waterrat · 20/10/2017 23:29

Are you actually skint or cant afford 13 qui why dont you stop worrying about something so minor.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/10/2017 23:37

erm, maybe she can't water. £13 might not be a lot, but its not a little, either.
Are you alright, Jack

MsPavlichenko · 20/10/2017 23:37

It really doesn't matter whether it is a cheeky request or a cultural one.

It is your DD's party. Presumable, with guidance she has chosen her guests. You have suggested she wont want the sibling to attend. That's it really.

It is not rude to simple say No, that's not possible. You don't need to make excuses/give reasons. In fact it only prolongs ant potential debate. You can't second guess folks' child care issues or whatever. They can suggest drop offs, or whatever.

You are not being rude to say so, and don't apologise. Your DD's party. Your rules. Her being a TA is neither here or there. If you are suggesting this implies some sort of future difficulty, well deal directly with the school if necessary. But don't waste time borrowing trouble!

MadMags · 20/10/2017 23:39

for many (single parents, those whose partners work over the weekend ) its either attend with a sibling or don't attend at all.

Then you don't attend, surely?!

MsPavlichenko · 20/10/2017 23:40

£13 may well be a great deal. Neither here nor there. If another five or six or ten asked the same ...

But, as I said it is up to the DC and their parents who they invite. End of.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/10/2017 23:40

some places you book the room and it is no extra cost for a sibling, though it might affect the numbers allowed to attend.

some you pay per head

some you pay per head and you can pay for an extra child to go in as part of public session and they are not allowed near the food and just left to paly on or got food by parent.

the best places were where you could pay for sibling to go in. so much easier.

MillicentFawcett · 20/10/2017 23:42

I am a single parent. It's extraordinarily rude and cheeky to expect other people to feed and entertain all your children.

FFS. I can't even believe anyone thinks this is okay.

Your reply is perfect OP. Stick to your guns!

enceladus · 20/10/2017 23:44

I have to agree with waterrat. When I have had a party in a playcentre for my eldest kid, she might want to invite say 17 friends. I have always had to give an estimate to the play centre of how many, so I know roughly how much I will be paying and they know an approximate figure. However, some decline the invitation, some don't show up and some mothers come with a younger sibling in tow because they simply have no childminder and are planning to hang-around but not let their child into the cake/food bit of the party, just sitting with them. I always bring out the food to that extra child.

My eldest two are close in age and often get put out if one is going and the other isn't if they know the person (depends on your child's age also). Just let the child come to the party. The more the merrier, it is not a big deal and you know some invites you have sent won't be taken up.

JigglyTuff · 21/10/2017 00:13

Enceladus - you are totalitarian seeing this through the lens of a parent of two children who are close in age. It's convenient for you basically so you don't have a problem with other people doing it too. What if every child in the class has a sibling that wants to come?

JigglyTuff · 21/10/2017 00:14

I disagree but you're not totalitarian! I meant totally

HamSandWitches · 21/10/2017 00:26

I would have to ask if a sibling could come when my kids were younger due to not having childcare for the sibling but I wouldn't expect them to be included as a party guest. I wouldn't want to just rock up with the sibling so would have to ask if it was OK.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 21/10/2017 00:33

somethingnewtoday

I asked because I didn't want to turn up with all my kids when only one had been invited. I thought better to save any awkwardness to explain I was aware my other children weren't there for the party but separate with me. I didn't want to put the party girls mother in a position were she's unsure whether I was expecting her to cater for my children or not. Basically I did what I'd like someone else to do for me. I'm well aware I'm able to take my children to softplay as and when I please but sometimes softplay areas can also be closed for private parties and until getting there I'd not know if that was the case. Cost me nothing to be polite.

emmyrose2000 · 21/10/2017 00:35

Just say ‘so sorry but no siblings due to limited places

I'd go with this. It doesn't waffle on about the cost (which is no one else's business), or single out this family/sibling. If anyone can take offence at that wording then they're not worth worrying about.

In my 20 years of hosting kids' parties, I've never once had anyone try and shoe in uninvited siblings. My mind boggles when I read about these rude, entitled, people on here.

emmyrose2000 · 21/10/2017 00:42

My eldest two are close in age and often get put out if one is going and the other isn't if they know the person (depends on your child's age also). Just let the child come to the party. The more the merrier, it is not a big deal and you know some invites you have sent won't be taken up

It's up to you to teach your uninvited child that they can't be included in/invited to everything just because their sibling is. Expecting a host to include your uninvited child is beyond rude.

If the host has scrimped and saved to pay for their child's party, or there is a strict limit on numbers at the venue, then, yes, one extra uninvited child IS a big deal.

enceladus · 21/10/2017 01:19

Jigglytuff, you had me looking up totalitarian there! I have 2 who are close in age but for what it is worth, I have never asked anyone to include the uninvited sibling on a guest list where money is involved, it'd just not what I would do personally and so yes they sit at home and get over it. (So step down from the high horse emmyrose2000). I just said if someone asked me I don't think it's that big a deal and I would include the child, considering that number's fluctuate. I don't think it's that major a deal. I don't find it rude, as OP phrased it she asked, she didn't say the enquirer 'expected it', the world isn't out to get you emmyrose, calm down a bit.

Want2bSupermum · 21/10/2017 01:30

People saying it's cultural because what they are really saying is they can afford it. DH and I never turn away siblings. They are always accepted and I make an assumption that certain parents are going to need to bring siblings. If you can't afford it then you are being cheeky. I ask if I can bring my extra DC and offer to pay any additional costs if the venue charges. I do ask that DS is included in the party room because my eldest has behavior problems and I need to be there to make sure she stays on track. The best is having 3 DC and DH who is away over the weekend. Apparently I should have a weekend nanny or something. Eldest is 6 going to parties for DC turning 7. Surely by now it's drop off!!!!!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 21/10/2017 01:46

The more the merrier, it is not a big deal

Hmm

Clearly it's not a big deal to you but going by this thread it is actually very annoying for a lot of parents, even leaving aside the additional cost.

starray · 21/10/2017 01:55

Be prepared for the parents who suddenly turn up with siblings unannounced, then leave them while they go shopping! Happened at my kid's party.

And then there are those who say they are coming and then don't even have the courtesy to tell you that they are not!

starray · 21/10/2017 02:00

"for many (single parents, those whose partners work over the weekend ) its either attend with a sibling or don't attend at all."

Ermm...if the parents have specifically said no siblings, then maybe you shouldn't attend at all.

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