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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she’ll have to pay if she wants her other son to come?

222 replies

MadameJosephine · 20/10/2017 18:53

Took invitations for DD’s birthday party into school this morning and the very first RSVP text has asked if they can bring a sibling. The cost of the party is £13 a head so my feeling is that if he wants to come she’ll have to pay for him.

Can any of you clever mumsnetters help me word a reply please? Bear in mind this mum is a TA at DDs school so I certainly don’t want to piss her off

OP posts:
washingmachinefastwash · 20/10/2017 20:11

Text back “yes that’s fine, just pay at the door”

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 20/10/2017 20:16

I have had two party invites for my eldest (4 almost 5) and I've had to take my younger children (then 2 and newborn) but I never expected it to be OK, asked first. On one occasion it was at softplay, my other children were 2 and a few months. I text the birthday girls mum and explained I had no childcare for my younger children (party was a week day so dh working) so would I be OK to bring them but I'd of course pay for them to go in and eat with them separately. Also added I understood if it wasn't ok. The mum was fine with it, dd1 went into the party room and I stayed in the main part with dd2 and ds. On another occasion the party was at someone's house, again I had no childcare and the younger ones came but I made it clear I understood if siblings couldn't come.

Now that dd1 is at school and dd2 is older (just turned 3) I'd not ask to bring siblings. If dh isn't home or nobody else can have the others dd1 simply won't be going. So far she's not had to miss any (been to two) but if she gets an invite for a party on a week day it's just not gonna happen and I'll politely decline

CookieDoughKid · 20/10/2017 20:18

Definitely cultural. I wouldn't even dream of asking guests to pay for their own drinks at a wedding. However it's a case of we are huge spenders when it comes to occasions but we scrimpt hard on everything else. Just let her bring the sibling but warn her about the cost. She has a right as a paying customer to come and pay for the sibling if it is a public venue.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 20/10/2017 20:19

But yeah, I think its really cheeky to ask without her offering to pay in the message and making it clear she understands sometimes it's not possible for siblings to attend. Makes it awkward

SomethingNewToday · 20/10/2017 20:20

"I'm sorry, that won't work for me."

I don't for one second believe anyone would actually say that in response, however brass necked you are.

Valeriemalorie · 20/10/2017 20:20

She might just be asking because at that age most parents stay at parties. If there is no one else at home to look after her other child then she would have to bring him, or not let her dd go to the party at all. Personally I would hang around in the vicinity of the party, go for a walk nearby, bring iPad for older child and sit in reception area or something, not actually expect my other child to participate in the party and eat the food etc. Not sure that you can actually say that to her though. Hope you think of a good way to reply!

altiara · 20/10/2017 20:24

I'd say no. It's your DDs party and if a friends older sibling comes then it changes the dynamic. Possibly children wanting to play with the older child.
Personally I'd say "no, numbers are strict so no siblings invited"

Ttbb · 20/10/2017 20:25

No, that's a bit vulgar. Either say that siblings aren't invited or suck it up and pay.

superking · 20/10/2017 20:26

This stresses me out - I have a 4yo and a 1yo, DH often works weekends and we have no family nearby. So if I get a party invitation for DS1 on a weekend when DH is working I have to ask if DS2 can come too. I always offer to pay for him if it's at a venue, so far people have been very accommodating but as he's getting older I think it will get more tricky - so far I've been able to occupy him without him getting in the way. DS1 has just started school now though so I'm hoping most of the parties from now on will be drop and run.

SomethingNewToday · 20/10/2017 20:27

On one occasion it was at softplay, my other children were 2 and a few months. I text the birthday girls mum and explained I had no childcare for my younger children so would I be OK to bring them but I'd of course pay for them to go in and eat with them separately. Also added I understood if it wasn't ok

Now I'm all for being polite but this is a bit too deferential for no need. It's a public soft play with plenty of random kids running around and not a private or exclusive party. Why on Earth would you ask permission to take other dc there?!?

I've done this more times than I can remember over the years as dh works every Saturday. I always text the party mum or dad as a courtesy but that's to tell them that I will have other dc with me that I'm paying for entry for, not to check it's ok Hmm

Wishingandwaiting · 20/10/2017 20:30

SomethingNewToday
Not deferential. Just polite and considerate.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 20/10/2017 20:32

I think it all depends on the age of the sibling. DC1 is in reception class and dc2 is 2. DC1 isn't old enough to do a drop and run, and if DH isn't around to have DC2 I have to take them.

I don't think the issue is the sibling being there, as long as they stay with the parent who is staying, the problem is when the other parent expects them to be able to join the party.

JoBlogs · 20/10/2017 20:34

Whether the mother pays or not, she is expecting you to do the babysitting whilst she buggers off. Tell her that you will not be responsible for any more than the number at the party, so she can stay and pay as if she was a normal member of the public if she wishes, but she is NOT to leave sibling unattended in the hope that you will look after him. Bloody cheek of it. Also ensure there is no free space at the party tea table.

This idea of manipulating other mothers to give you free childcare is not new. My DS in Reception made friends with a boy who had a twin sister. When I invited him round for a playdate his mother asked if the sister (who was in the parallel class) could come as well. I said no. That was 13 years ago. And when I had a party 100 years ago when I was small my mother told me that one parent didn't collect their child until two hours after the collection time so that they could go off and do some shopping. The mother didn't ask, she just didn't turn up! No mobiles in those days. There are always entitled people around. I wonder if they ever read mumsnet - they could learn a few good lessons reading threads like these.

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 20/10/2017 20:35

I don’t think I’m brave enough for an outright no. I’m going to sleep on it and reply in the morning. How does this sound?

Hi, glad to hear that X can make it to the party, DD will be pleased. I’m afraid we’ve only really budgeted for the invited children as the cost is charged per head. I could check with the venue to see if you could pay for Y separately if you like or if childcare is an issue you are welcome to drop X off and pick up at the end of the party?

OP posts:
Ploppie4 · 20/10/2017 20:36

Just say ‘so sorry but no siblings due to limited places’

There is no good reason this will piss her off.

jeaux90 · 20/10/2017 20:42

If she is a single parent or the partner works on a Saturday then yes it could be childcare issues and reception age is a minefield. Some of them want you to stay and some don't.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 20/10/2017 20:49

I think your reply is good op.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/10/2017 20:49

I wouldn't even bring money into it, why would you?

"Great x can come dd will be delighted. Unfortunately y can't come, we have had a few people ask and the numbers were going crazy so we've had to say no siblings, obviously making exceptions just causes offemse but if childcare is the issue please feel free to just drop & collect"

SomethingNewToday · 20/10/2017 20:54

Not deferential. Just polite and considerate

But what possible reason could the parents have to refuse to 'allow' you to pay for entry of other dc to a public soft play session, when there will be heaps of other kids there anyway?

There is no reason. If the parents said actually it wasn't ok and not to bring your other dc they'd be being completely unreasonable and I would anyway. So what's the point in even asking?

BewareOfDragons · 20/10/2017 21:00

"Sorry, it's a whole class party and £13 a head, so we aren't able to include any additional children. I'm sure you understand."

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 20/10/2017 21:12

Hmm. We did a similar thing for my DS' birthday and although the food/tableware/party bags were obviously per head it wasn't any extra if more children came on the bouncy castle. Is there a compromise perhaps where you explain what parts are number- dependent? Or say she'll have to pay as others have said - she may simply not realise there's any per head charge and will be mortified when she realises? [rare moment of trying to assume the best of people]

MistyMinge · 20/10/2017 21:20

JoBlogs we don't know that the mother is intending to drop and run. My experience of 4/5 year old parties is that a large proportion of parents stay. I feel like the poor woman is unknowingly taking a bashing without us knowing the full facts.

GabsAlot · 20/10/2017 21:22

cultural? what u would pay for 20 xtra kids to join in an activity incas people think youre rude

Supermagicsmile · 20/10/2017 21:31

Your reply sounds great :)

Coastalcommand · 20/10/2017 21:35

I'd let the sibling come. People always drop out unexpectedly. Plus if she's a TA and she stays she could be a big help.

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