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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she’ll have to pay if she wants her other son to come?

222 replies

MadameJosephine · 20/10/2017 18:53

Took invitations for DD’s birthday party into school this morning and the very first RSVP text has asked if they can bring a sibling. The cost of the party is £13 a head so my feeling is that if he wants to come she’ll have to pay for him.

Can any of you clever mumsnetters help me word a reply please? Bear in mind this mum is a TA at DDs school so I certainly don’t want to piss her off

OP posts:
eulmh · 22/10/2017 18:38

There have been times when I have had to bring dd2 as there’s nobody else to have her but I make it clear I’ll provide her food etc and it’s only at play centres at the min and they are ok with an extra body actually playing. I would say you have a set amount of spaces so any additional would need to be paid for

BewareOfDragons · 22/10/2017 18:39

A friend's party at a soft play had a lot of CF parents who brought in siblings ... they ended up having to stump up almost an extra £100 to cover the extra 'guests'. They were not impressed; they'd assumed the parents had paid on the door for the siblings, etc. They hadn't. Some of them had also wanted party bags and were grabby about them.

Summerswallow · 22/10/2017 18:40

People aren't usually bringing along siblings for the fun of it, are they? It's often the only way they can attend/mind the child attending, if they are young, or occupy the sibling whilst you hang around for a couple of hours on a wet Sun afternoon in the middle of a health centre.

Personally, I've never minded people asking politely about this- it's not rude to ask, and I always say they can be added on if they pay (say at soft play) unless it was a party where the numbers needed to be exact.

Most people are really considerate and keep the sibling to one side/know they don't get a party bag/don't intrude and are just grateful you are flexible and understand parties are a bit of an inconvenience for everyone.

In RL, this is dealt with with politeness, co-operation and people being flexible. On MN, it's seen as a matter of asserting your rights and cheekiness.

JaneEyre70 · 22/10/2017 18:45

Just be wary of letting one sibling stay.....before you know it, word will spread and you'll end up with a dozen extra kids and scarpering parents. If you expect parents to stay, say so on the invite and sorry no siblings as numbers are limited. She's being a CF and you need to say "sorry but we have invited the whole class as it is and we can't stretch to further numbers, but we can look after your invited child if childcare is an issue for you".

ADishBestEatenCold · 22/10/2017 18:52

"Tbh I don’t really want him to come and I don’t think DD does either so I probably need to find a way of saying so without seeming unreasonable or causing offence."

Reply something along the line's of

"Ordinarily I would say 'yes', but it's rather tricky in that I've already been asked by some others and been forced to draw the line by saying 'no siblings'. I am sorry, but I know you will understand that I cannot really now change that for one child, and we really hope 'invited-child-name' will still be able to come."

SouthWestmom · 22/10/2017 19:13

Thing is though, siblings do change the dynamic. We had a class party at home and said no siblings because I’d done party bags, games, paid the ice cream man for x 99s etc and my dc wanted to hang out with his class.

So one sibling was brought, whines about not joining in, whines about not winning, took a party bag, got in the way of the older kids. Bloody nightmare.

Another time, pay per head party and I couldn’t work out how this one child was in different places at once - turned out it was the sibling, only revealed when he also queued up for a party bag and I got charged for him.

ChocolateWombat · 22/10/2017 19:15

I agree that politeness, a degree of flexibility and very clear communication are key to all of this and can avoid all the angst.

Clear communication

  • on invitations (parents are asked to stay, asked to drop and leave/can stay if they wish)
  • about siblings if definitely don't want any (sorry numbers are limited so we can't accommodate siblings)
  • in any further communication and response to requests (say yes or no to the sibling request and be clear about who is to pay and when and any other expectations, such as I'll need to provide own food/keep child in a separate area etc)
  • ask for confirmation that this is all understood (if you could just confirm if this all works for you, then I will ask the venue to look out for you and sibling on the door.)
  • to any non-replies I would text a couple of days before hand to get clarification (hope you got my reply to your question about bringing sibling. I haven't heard back from you so am assuming you now won't be bringing X - please do lt me know if you are still planning to bring them so I can tell the venue to look out for you)
  • if still no reply, assume not coming. If they do reply saying sibling IS coming, I would acknowledge message and probably say 'Great, glad that works for you. Just pay for X at the door as you come in - I have asked them to look out for you'

It's the lack of clear communication which creates stress in my view. Always be cheery, polite and clear.

mummy1234321 · 22/10/2017 19:19

If birthday child doesn’t know extra guest, I’d just say they can’t join the party.
At one of the parties I witnessed extra sibling sat next to birthday boy. Birthday boy looked at this unknown with wtf expression just before blowing the candles which is now on lots of photos from this event.
That’s the best reason why you shouldn’t bring stranger siblings or you should keep them well away from the party.

I had once well behaved extra family with 4 siblings just sat at extra booked table in the restaurant part but it was agreed with me before the party (they really wanted to come and my son wanted child to be there but no childcare and too young to drop off).

Communication is the key - why don’t you ask about her reasons? Find out if it’s childcare or extra fun for the sibling. Is she staying or just want to dump them. Is she going to keep sibling away from the party or was hoping to join in?

Last year I was ringing one of the mothers quite concerned, as the child wasn’t collected. 15min later I had embarrassed dad flying through the door - he got carried away on his shopping trip and got right telling off from the wife😂.

ChocolateWombat · 22/10/2017 19:21

And yes I agree that siblings always do change the dynamic. It's sometimes about cost, but it's also about someone if a different age changing the dynamic of the group who are often the same age.

It's fine for hosts to say cheerily and politely 'no siblings' if that's what they want.
If you say 'yes' to siblings, whatever terms you apply about paying etc, you just have to accept that it will change the dynamic and that the chances are they will be there at the tea table or nearby looking sad at not getting the tea....if you accept siblings, to some degree you DO have to accept they will be there and have an impact. If you can be relaxed and laid back about that, it can work absolutely fine. If you be gritting your teeth every time you see younger sibling helping themselves to the crisps or being innthebparty bag queue, it's probably best just to not let siblings come. They are usually younger and it just isn't practically impossible to have them there without any impact at all and you have to accept that if you say yes to siblings.

ellesworth · 22/10/2017 19:32

Yanbu. Last year we had a party in a soft play for DS. Relative of my husband asked when it was and invited her DD (year above my child) before the invites had been thought of, so was under obligation to invite her to keep the peace. Day before she asked/assumed she could take her 1yo child (rest of the kids were 4-6 and the party was upstairs, baby area downstairs). Told her no and she pretty much threw a strop. Shouldn't have surprised me, she's on Facebook practically every week asking for a favour/someone to bring her something.

claireyjs · 22/10/2017 19:34

I'm a single Mum so sometimes have no choice but to bring the other child. However I always find the cash to pay for her and would never expect the host to.

TheweewitchRoz · 22/10/2017 19:34

I think your reply is great Op. Much more diplomatic than mine, which would have been ‘sorry, no siblings. You’re welcome to drop & pick up but otherwise totally understand if [invited child] can’t attend due to the no sibling rule.]. Please confirm attendance or otherwise, thanks.’

I’ve 3 DC & totally get the childcare issues but the amount of cheeky fuckers who think bringing a sibling is ok drives me potty! Either make alternative arrangements or decline the invitation but certainly don’t impose your uninvited children on anyone!!

OJZJ · 22/10/2017 20:04

My friend did this for my 5 yr olds party-but didn't even ask. She just said on the door her one year old was invited so she didn't have to pay for her to come in the play centre and I got billed with the other guests I was quietly seething as she is a bit of a c.f. with money (could peel an orange in her pocket as my mother would say) but otherwise a lovely friend so didn't say anything. All other guests brought siblings and paid their entrance fees no questions asked (they went home with cake and party bags) as most people don't expect to stick siblings on the list unless good friends

doodle01 · 22/10/2017 20:22

Yes

JLo1979 · 22/10/2017 20:25

I don’t know why but I’m always quite surprised when people ask can their other dc come to party, without a mention of paying for them.

We live about 15-20 minute drive from play areas so it’s not always practical to drop off, drive home and come back for child. If my dh was working I would always text the parent explaining that I have no childcare so will be at play area with the other 3 children and will have paid for their entry just in case they think I am being a cf.

I also don’t understand why if a party is at a house that people think it’s ok to send along their other children. It’s not a Creche, it’s a child’s party and usually yes it does change the dynamic.

I sympathise OP as we have all been there, rest assured though if you asked the same question by this parent you would be told very quickly no.

iamyourequal · 22/10/2017 20:39

I think it's an absolute cheek to ask if siblings can come to the party too, when the haven't been invited. However I'm also surprised that when school aged children are invited to a party, their parents come and stay too? What's that all about! I'd say it's up to the host to ensure adequate supervision for the children who are invited, and to make it clear on invitations that no other siblings (or parents! ) are expected to tag along. This saves any confusion, stops the host incurring extra costs, and frees up parents who no longer need to sacrifice their afternoon to hanging around soft play. We did this for my son's 5th birthday. It was pretty hard work, and I needed the help of a couple of friends, but I would never have expected the guests' parents to stay and help. I personally think parents some times hover around at their kid's social events when they wold be best leaving them to enjoy them with a bit of independence. But i might jI st be an old dinosaur@ Anyway, I hope the party goes well OP. It sounds smashing! Cake

karen2808 · 22/10/2017 21:07

My kids are older now so the minefield of sorting parties is over but I'm confused over some posts advising that you need to put "no siblings" on a party invite. Surely if the siblings were invited they would have got an invite in the beginning?

AAH2919 · 22/10/2017 21:21

I dont see a problem with it to be honest, what if they dont have child care for siblings? I am having a party for ds next week 3 parents have asked about siblings snd ofcourse i ssid yes. What is a few extrs sandwhiches and a few sausage rolls extrs party bag which i would of done a few extra anyway incase this happened on the day. And no way would i say leave the child i wouldnt want to be responsibility of someone elses child xx

SierraFerrara · 22/10/2017 21:26

Depending on the way she worded it, I wouldn't mind that she asked if the sibling could come.
It might make it easier for childcare etc for her and lots of times people wouldn't mind an extra head. At least she didn't just turn up with him expecting it to be OK as has happened with me in the past.

LML83 · 22/10/2017 21:49

If it's a hall with entertainment I have seen siblings come and sit with parents and watch/play ipad. If it's a toddler they potter about at the side.
If it is soft play siblings come but parent pays and supervises and they don't join the party. I don't think permission is needed for any of the above.
After primary 1 (reception) it is more common to drop off/pick up rather than stay so no childcare issues anyway.

NickersNackersNoodles · 22/10/2017 23:05

I've had this and just said yes no worries but unfortunately I can't afford any more but if you want to pay for X it's £13. Let me know if you still want me to add them in. Cheers.

Rainer · 22/10/2017 23:07

@madmags
Both my husband and I work shifts. In recent weeks there have been four party invites for my ds when only one of us is home. Are you really suggesting you'd let your child miss out that much rather than try to arrange politely to enable your child to go, maybe by having to come with a sibling?

MadMags · 22/10/2017 23:16

I'm saying that a child's birthday party is about that child and not yours.

manicmij · 22/10/2017 23:31

Certainly no problem! Have checked and your son can attend at same rate as official partygoers ie £13.

overduemamma · 22/10/2017 23:41

Have u heard Anything op? X