I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

Oh god the quiet cold rage. I get that.

The thing about 'burning with quiet cold rage' is that it shows on your face, eventually. And one day you look in the mirror and you know you have to do something about it. My appearance has actually improved since my divorce!

confusedlittleone I did. She earns 4 times the amount and works part time. If they lived together Why the hell would she not pay a more proportionate amount so over 50% so they have more equal free money? Its NO different to of the guy earns more except peoples attitudes towards it.
Similarly she works half the hours he does - its reasonable that some of that extra free time is spent on some of the housework and that anything that needs doing once they're both home is split. Exactly what I would say if HE worked less hours.

What happened to "once you live together its family money "?

Thought I'd give you am update!

So yesterday it was planned we'd be eating leftovers.

I'm still feeling a bit ill and I decided, buoyed by my new wave of outrage courtesy of MN, to suit myself: this might seem crazy to some of you but because he does shift work he often will get in at 10pm and I'll have waited to eat with him.

So instead last night I just ate my dinner at a reasonable time and got into bed. As I say that's such a small thing but it's hard to explain - I grew up watching my mum doing things in ways sje didnt want to do and then seething, all on a mission to be "perfect" in all ways. You know what I mean? I'm trying to break that cycle.

When he got in at like 10.30 he had brought medicine and flowers. Now dont get me wrong, I'm not an idiot and I'm not going to be swayed by a bunch of flowers. But what it said to me was that he'd thought about my explosion and decided he was in the wrong.

Then he reheated his tea and ate, washed our dishes and said he would bring food for us tonight.

"So instead last night I just ate my dinner at a reasonable time and got into bed. As I say that's such a small thing but it's hard to explain - I grew up watching my mum doing things in ways sje didnt want to do and then seething, all on a mission to be "perfect" in all ways. You know what I mean? I'm trying to break that cycle."

I can really relate to this. I was brought up in a household where my Mum equated how clean the kitchen floor was with how much she was showing love. The burden of perfection in cleanliness and tidiness weighed heavily on her, until it became an obsessive form of control that started with the environment and ended with behaviour. Being tidy became being safe in her mind, I think. Eventually she became mentally ill, violent, and abusive, intolerant of anything that departed from rigid routines or made a mess.

My childhood was very unhappy but even acknowledging that, and seeing clearly the role that wifework played in making it so, I struggle to emancipate myself fully from internalised standards of perfection and tidiness. I still associate untidiness with shame at a very deep level. The perfectionism deeply affects my confidence in my job as well; I am much harsher on myself than I am towards anyone else, and it really holds me back.

You're fighting on two fronts here. With your past, and with your present. I really hope your DH has had a lightbulb moment and is going to buck his ideas up because you need that support going forward.

Set your expectations. Housework should be split 50:50. Take it in turns.

@whiskyowl
I completely relate!

I'm still nowhere near as "bad" as my mum but obviously some things have rubbed off (eg eat with him at 11pm because its "nicer" than him having to eat alone).

Things my mum bless her would do on her mission to be all things to all people:

• Clean house before cleaner came
• Rage about having to go to an event but then pull out all stops to make sure she looked great and was extremely congenial once there - never just said she couldn't be fucked with going out and cancelling
• Had to go the extra mile even when it deeply frustrated her, eg would get up and reheat dinner for someone rather than just let them get on with it
• Not just accepting to do a favour but actually proactively OFFERING! Then absolutely raging.

Our childhood was therefore spent with this deeply capable but also deeply frustrated woman. She was always either rushing around like mad or raging. Now I see it is all about people pleasing. She wanted to be a great career woman, beautiful, keep a great home, be socially scitillating - basically be superwoman.

Im trying my best to learn to say no and just please myself but its quite hard! As well as people pleasing I think she instilled this sense of duty/skewed moral outlook on us.

I think I can really understand her now Im older because there seems to be a lot of anger at yourself, because of the discrepancy between your feminist ideals and your people pleasing streak.

Oh, oh, oh - I hear you, oh I hear you, on the "dutiful" thing. My GM is the world's most toxic parent (gee, I wonder how my Mum is so fucked up?) and my Mum goes to see her every week, in spite of the fact it actually makes her ill. She can't say "No" because it's dutiful, yet she will cry and sulk for a day before and after! It would be so much better if she just went only when she actually felt like going and was able to cope.

I totally, totally get you on replicating it as well. I don't know why it's so hard to get out of the pattern of doing-it-and-resenting-it. Maybe it's because it's something that basically is learned in childhood and scored into your brain with the fear of maternal rage! Maybe it's because it's attached to a perverse system of rewards, which is almost quasi-religious, where victimhood, suffering and martyrdom are valued and any act of assertiveness or self-determination appears as selfishness. I know like it's living in a kind of bad faith, by negatives, in the shadows, yet I feel drawn towards it too.

It helped me tremendously to be in a relationship with a man who just does, automatically, pull his weight - however busy or tired he is. It is much easier for me simply to be honest about times that I'm feeling overwhelmed and to reach out for a bit of extra help. Hopefully your DP is coming around to give you that support too, now.

for you!

@whiskyowl

So great to hear from you, and to hear about your DP, and I totally hear you on the "quasi religious" front. And whaddaya know, my GM was also a fucked up parent (kept packed suitcase by front door and told kids she would walk straight out if she ever had enough).

< clinks whisky glass with hohum >

We'll be the ones who break the cycle!

how did the child he behave last night ?

@hohumherewego did he bring you the money he stole from you that was for the FF?

What Silver just said....

@homhumherewego I am in a not dissimilar financial situation, except we live together.

By virtue of the fact I am at home a lot more than him for various reasons, I do more domestic stuff (from actual chores to picking up red-card parcels from the PO, dealing with trades etc). We have fallen out over it many times, mainly down to me losing my rag over the concept of me being assumed to be the 'default' housefrau, rather than 'choosing' to do xyz task, if you see what I mean? (It's the assumption that I am in charge and responsible for doling out tasks that pisses me off. He has eyes too!)

We seem to have settled on a rough 70:30 division, possibly 80:20. He generally does 'his' stuff unprompted but occasionally needs nudging. But his list is also stuff I don't care about quite so much, or I dislike doing - mowing and weeding the lawn is one of his, whereas I prefer to do the laundry myself, for example.

Anecdote over, do you think you could be satisfied with a "statistical" imbalance like mine, but one which you feel happy with in terms of what gets done by who, with regard to how much time they have available to do it? And also bearing in mind your later posts regarding emotional work and generally how satisfied you are in the relationship overall?

"He's a gentle and kind man otherwise."

Run! Run whilst you can! Save yourself.

That is excellent advice Shirley

Honestly OP, it sounds like you just don’t like him very much.

Shame you don't take your own advice Shirley.

Why don't you work twice the hours and just hire someone to do all the work? Problem solved.

He only 'realised' he fucked up when you pointed it out to him.....don't expect his change in attitude to last long.....

The worst part is his own place is always kept neat and tidy, his laundry always done, etc
Not difficult to achieve, considering he spends 90% of his time at yours and makes his 'mess' there!
Plus, he might have a cleaner who keeps on top of stuff at his house - or his mother!

I don't think he should be doing DIY or cleaning at your place because he has to do that at his own place. And ditto bill-paying
He doesn't do it to the same level as OP - he hardly lives there.
His utilities will also be greatly reduced because he isn't home often or long enough to actually use them properly.
So he's already saving a fortune at op's expense!

The food thing - that's always been on me
Yet again - great way for him to reduce his outgoing expenditure - on food,utilities and housework.
I doubt he'd be happy forking out for takeaways if he was 50% responsible for meals.

You don't have to keep up to his standards of 'cleanliness' in your own home, OP.
I'm a messy/untidy bugger too in my own home....i refuse to be pressured or guilted into maintaining it at a level that suits others.

dont really understand why he wants to be with me when if he wanted someone to do his laundry and accompany him to yet another interminable "dinner round Tom's" he could have pretty easily found a different kind of girl
Not one who earns his wage x4, works few hours, is self-sufficient, independent and.......is more likely to be financially better off in the future than him.

Sounds to me like you're his meal ticket, he's got a free/easy ride with you.
Him not coming through in a timely manner re your fridge could well have been a ploy to make you feel dependent on him...and it worked because you went without one for 6 months - and then accepted the shitty, half broken one!
You know what i would have done?
Told him to either give me my money back or get one that actually works!

He's probably imagining a future where you will fund his lifestyle choices because you can afford to.
What if he moved in, then said he was going part time so he could enjoy his hobbies/pursuing other interests?
He knows full well that you can afford to pick up his slack money-wise so he will use that to his advantage.

You will always be the higher earner for as long as you work, your personal savings/pension/assets will be more than his anyway.....if you move him in/marry him/have dc with him - please protect your own financial/property assets from him.

"Shame you don't take your own advice Shirley."

It's too late for me.

No Shirley, it's not.

Cantshedmymuffintop

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