I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

He said I should ask if I needed help

There's your problem right there. He thinks the housework is your job and when you have kids he will think the kids are your job too.

If you are happy with that, no problem. If not, then you need to either leave or thoroughly re-educate him. E.g. Move in to his for a bit, leave all the cooking and housework up to him and see what he thinks of that as a starting point for discussion.

Even if he agrees to be reeducated at this point, bear in mind that any gains you make will probably be lost again when babies come along (they always are). I wouldn't have the energy for it all myself

He's a cocklodger. How often do you go to his? 10% of the time? And when there, does he menu plan, cook, clean, wash up - or do you do it?

If he was really the one for you, you wouldn't have to ask him to do anything, he'd do it anyway. End it.

Is it your home, where he is a guest you are hosting, or is it both your homes, where he is a resident and equal?

The wifework dynamic is hard to break out of, if he doesn't see your "invisible workload".

I'd be tempted to put together some kind of rota. (I know it babies him somewhat, he shouldn't need one, and will hopefully grow out of it!)

I should say as well you sound like a catch; woman who has her shit together! I wouldn't even bother trying to change him; why would you? Life's too short. Throw him back and find another.

Can you spend more time apart? Or spend more time at his house?

Or actually I just wouldn't want to be with someone who contributes so little (either in time, house work, financiers or support).

End it. A man who fosters the dynamic of wife work either actively or passively is really not worth your efforts. The fact that he described his potential contribution as 'help' illustrates the boxes he is putting you both in as regards your expected gendered roles in this relationship. You're worth so much more. And for God's sake don't have children with him!

If he's like this before you're even officially living together, then imagine what it'll be like when he gets comfortable. I don't think he's going to change.

Read this cartoon called 'You Should've Asked' which brilliantly sums up emotional labour: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

He said I should ask if I needed help

Read the link DingDong beat me to posting

So does he just sit there while you are washing up? And he expects you do his washing rather than take it home with him or ask to use your washing machine and do it himself?

Realistically you need to end it because this dynamic is very hard to change.

The fact that he's not even aware of the issue and was surprised at the outburst, speaks volumes.

You can sit him down and tell what has to change, but he will probably fall aback into his old ways over time. Also over time he will get resentful as he wasn't brought up understanding fundanmentally what his duties as an adult are. It will feel to him like you've forced it on him.

The thing in the wifework book that really struck me was how she described the shift in their roles changing so quickly after they moved in together (she started to feel she 'should' do the domestic goddess stuff, and it was fun at first, he, previously living independently and capably, started to expect her to 'organise' chores and 'tell him' what to do. Even their sex life, previously glorious and very equal, became totally centred around his wants and needs).

I have more time, technically, that OH. In some ways I don't mind picking up more of the cooking and washing up (especially as there is one chore he totally takes on) - the trouble is, every time I think 'oh, I'll do a bit more, it's easy, I don't mind', after a little while it is just so taken for granted/not noticed/not reciprocated, that I just get so resentful and blow up. It would actually be better to just leave the washing up more often. All leaves me seeming petty (the nagging trap you describe), or always the one who says 'can we talk about how we share the chores', or the one who tells dc to do their chores. Organising everyone. It drives me crazy.

He said I should ask if I needed help

I really don't understand the thought processes of someone who comes home to a meal that has been cooked for them, in a house where the person who cooked has also done all the cleaning and laundry, and then thinks it's fine just to sit there watching her wash up. Did he seriously think that you loved it and wouldn't have appreciated an offer of help?

As for the perception that he works really long hours - a 40 hour working week isn't long, it's just the norm; my DH does more than your partner round the house, and he must work at least 50 hours a week.

So does he just sit there while you are washing up?

Does he also sit there while you are cooking, cleaning and putting his clothes in your washing machine?

That is not the behaviour of a kind man. It is the behaviour of a selfish and entitled man.

You state that money is not an issue, but if not now, then it most certainly will be before long. Most men do resent a partner with more money, however this shows, and I'm afraid I've never seen this type of uneven partnership work in the long-term, probably as it so rarely is a real partnership.

Long-term, I think you'd have a better relationship with someone with similar education and earning power.

If he's a kind intelligent man then all it needs is for you to point out how you feel and come to an agreement on the division of chores and finances.

He's probably oblivious to how you feel and if you've been doing this for a year without complaint, he's assumed you're happy with the arrangement until your sudden outburst.

He's been thoughtless; perhaps wrapped up in work and whatever personal problems you allude to.

Give him a chance to change the situation before dumping him.

Unless of course you don't feel he's your equal? I get that vibe from your posts; you're "well educated, intelligent, earn 4x more than him, independent, a post grad.."

The word you use for him is "babied". I wonder if he's right for you. I don't think you regard him as on your intellectual level.

“Shout if you need help [with the role that belongs to you because you don’t have the Y chromosome]”. Isn’t this what they call ‘the load’

He works 9-5 then has his meal cooked, washing up done, clean clothes, flat tidied? He's got it made hasn't he.

This isn't fair - and it's so easy to slip into. I really struggle with it.

this doesn't make any sense
it sounds like you have decided you are his mummy

that's probably why he's shocked at your comments.

are you one of these people who thinks they "ought" to have a partner? You're in a great position to just enjoy life with your income and hours etc. I'd do that if I were you.

It's more difficult because technically you aren't living together - but you more or less are and I'm guessing he doesn't do a lot of housework round his place.

Also he doesn't work long hours, he works normal full-time hours, just longer than you. Unless he has some hellish commute, he does a normal day's work.

So you need to have a calm conversation about 'we spend 90% of our time here, you are practically moved in - how do we work better as a team?'

And if he responds with 'I could do x to help you out',you steer him back to 'No, you aren't helping me out. That makes me the boss of everything and the planner of everything which is exhausting. It's about us working as a team and sharing the load'.

If after a few goes at this he really doesn't get it, you are in trouble.

DH now has jobs he does automatically as do I. I'm still really the planner but at least I'm not the washer-upper, laundry-worker, pet-feeder, lawn-mower etc However he had also been babied by his DM and went for the 'helping you out route' first. So there is potential for yours to learn.

When DH works really long hours I try to do as much of the housework as possible - and he does the same for me when the situation is reversed.

At the moment I am on maternity leave and try to get as much housework as possible done during the day as DH often works until about 8, 9 or 10 at night. He still pulls his weight though in the time he is at home.

It works well for us. All money that comes into the family belongs to both of us equally - and all work that needs to be done is done by the person who has more time to get it done.

You could split the work more clearly so he knows what is his area of responsibility. In our house I look after laundry, day-to-day cleaning etc - but I never hoover, wash floors, clean windows as those are DH's things to do.

It's not about splitting things evenly - but each person helping the other one out.

I wouldn't go ending the relationship over this - give him a chance to fix it. You said he made an effort to clean up after you spoke to him so maybe things can get better - especially when he is otherwise a good person. Sometimes people are a bit blind to their own behaviour. No one is perfect.

If he's a kind intelligent man then all it needs is for you to point out how you feel and come to an agreement on the division of chores and finances

If he's a kind intelligent man then he couldn't have gone a whole year completely obvious to basic manners and adult responsibilities. It doesn't actually attract what gender the OP is, if he'd been doing this to a male mate it would be equally taking the piss. But I don't think a bloke would have put up with it for so long.

^matter not attract.

OK, an example
Every time he sees the bin that needs emptying, he just thinks, "bin's full, bummer"
there is a total lack of respect, why does he not consider that someone is going to empty it, take the bin out & replace the bag, & maybe even wash the bin if its skanky.
There is Nothing you can do other than ask him to pull his weight, he might do so for a while. the odds are on though, that he is an entitled lazy male & prefers not to do it, its woman's work.
Do NOT let this entitlement pass, if not you are stuck with it for life... or until when you have DC he is still a entitled lazy man, & you bin him

Why not get a cleaner / diy person in to do those jobs?

You don't live together and you work part time, I'd expect the person who has more time to do the majority of cleaning.

That being said, it's really odd if he doesn't offer to cook / wash up / dry when actually at yours. But I'd also have told him to do so or ship off from meal one.