I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

I don't think he should be doing DIY or cleaning at your place because he has to do that at his own place. And ditto bill-paying (though a contribution to food is fair enough). Sharing the cooking & washing up at both places. Do your own laundry.
I think you're expecting him to act as if you live together but forgetting that he still has his own place to run. And if you do live together then I'd expect you to do more if you're working half the hours.

Sorry, what’s a wifeworker? Just a wife that works?

No wifework is the household/childcare work women (are expected to) do.

He said I should ask if I needed help
I think that's fair enough to an extent (cooking etc apart - that benefits both equally) when you have separate homes. And maybe he feels like it is YOUR place and he's not comfortable just pitching in because he feels like he's intruding.

End it. Sounds like you’d both be happier for it.

I don't think it is fair. I couldn't sit in someone else's house for 90% of my time and not offer to contribute both in terms of money and labour.

It's unbelievably childish and entitled.

A man who fosters the dynamic of wife work either actively or passively is really not worth your efforts

^ This, a thousand times this. Life is so^ much more than 'teaching' a man how to pull his weight domestically. Sod drawing up rotas, and educating the poor lamb, just ditch and move on!

I don't think this situation is as cut-and-dried as a lot of people are implying.

You don't actually live together. So of course he is helping you - it's your house, not a shared house for which he is equally responsible.

My partner spends more time at mine than I do at his, but he wouldn't plan a meal in my house, because its my fridge with my food in. He might suggest something, or express a preference, and helps cook, but he wouldn't do it autonomously, because it's my house, not his. I certainly don't expect him to contribute to bills, except the odd bit of food - he is paying them at his own house, even if he is at mine more.

I don't do his laundry (although he'll often chuck a few bits in if I do mine, or ask to put a load on).

I don't think the wifework argument really holds when its entirely your own house. Its complicated because neither of you are really clear if he's a guest or a live-in partner.

I think most women fall into this trap quite easily, especially if working fewer hours.
You absolutely do not want to be in the position of Housework Coordinator, but as he sees it as your house he can justify the fact that he does in fact see you in this role. You need to have a very serious conversation, and if he really doesn't understand, then walk. You're an intelligent young woman with the world at your feet. You have choices. And you may be working short hours now, but you might not always. You might want to make even more money and be a real high flyer. To do this you need to be part of a team, not the housekeeper.

I can't get past the fact that he has his own place but YOU do his laundry.
HOW T F did that come about?
My ExH (15 yrs) and then ExP (about 6 yrs) both lived with me and I never did their laundry.

And it's pretty standard that the person who does the cooking does NOT do the washing up.

You need to start setting some boundaries.
Get him to read the wifework book!

Maybe you should have a list of jobs that need doing,
Print them out on Magnets and put them on the boiler.
So he can see them, tell him he needs to do some of these things,
This way he can't say he can't see.
And since most jobs get done everyday, week or month, your only going to have too print out one set...
That way you can ask him WHICH jobs do you want to do today.
I know it's baby ish but it makes a POINT.

Another vote for cocklodger

"I know it's baby ish but it makes a POINT."

surely the point it makes is "I will stay with you if you can follow a set of instructions"?

I couldn't be with a partner who couldn't or wouldn't do basic adulting.

It sounds like you need a good talk and ground rules.

He has his own place so he's paying for that and presumably cleaning that plus you only work part time so I wouldn't expect him to do half the housework at yours BUT he should cook a couple of nights a week, wash up if you cook a couple of nights a week, tidy up after himself.

He has rent and bills to pay on his own place and earns far less than you so I wouldn't expect him to put towards the bills but he should be putting half towards fhalfand treats.
I think make it all clear then see what happens. He may step up or it may make you realise you want to step away.

I think once you live together bills should be proportional so if he earns 20 and you earn 80 k then is split bills 25/75. If he rents pit his place then that factors intoINS income.
Housework - anything done once you are both back from home gets split. So in your 20 extra hours at home some of them reasonably should be spent on housework (half?) but then dinner, DIY etc gets split.

OP, you are indeed an intelligent woman flagging this now. This is how it will be only more so for the entire of your relationship.

leaving aside the general cleaning or DIY since he doesn't officially live with you, I have no idea why you are doing his laundry - how the hell did that come about? So he sticks his laundry in a basket, watches it come back clean and never thinks "what the fuck am I doing here having her wash my smalls". Ditto with washing up, sweeping the floor etc. And surely anyone who spent 90 percent of time in someone else's house would have said "how about how cook a dinner every second night" by now.

And the "just ask me to help". Can you imagine his idea of his role if you ever had a baby together.

No idea if the good bits outweigh the bad but I wouldn't treat this as a minor thing. This would be a really serious issue for me.

The advice to do all the wifework because you work less (while earning more) is awful. If you do that you can kiss goodbye to ever not doing everything no matter what changes - you working more, him working less, you having a baby, your leg falling off. Won't matter - the norm for this gem will be you do everything and the best that will happen is "just tell me what to do to help and I'll do it" which is useless.

He said I should ask if I needed help
I think that's fair enough to an extent (cooking etc apart - that benefits both equally) when you have separate homes. And maybe he feels like it is YOUR place and he's not comfortable just pitching in because he feels like he's intruding.

This ^^ It's your home, not his, therefore mostly things are your responsibility. If you had a shared home it would be different, so yes you will have to ask him to pitch in.

FWIW all those bellowing "end it"; when my DH and I first moved in together he just didn't "see" things that needed doing. We had a big argument, I flipped and we divided up the chores. We have now been married happily 15 years and the whole thing has changed - he works part-time, I work full-time, he does the lion's share of all household stuff and childcare. There are some things he still doesn't see need doing - bed changing being the primary one - but do you know what, that's actually OK because he's an amazing, kind and lovely man.

Don't end it over this if the rest of the relationship is happy. Don't feel guilty but don't stress it too much. Talk about it with him, tell him how you feel and see what happens. My guess is it'll work out OK. He doesn't know it's a problem until you tell him.

I know it's baby ish but it makes a POINT

What point does it make? That he can't even think for himself and needs to be told, like a reluctant 10 year old, that it's time to do his chores? No thank you.

Maybe you should have a list of jobs that need doing, Print them out on Magnets and put them on the boiler. So he can see them, tell him he needs to do some of these things, This way he can't say he can't see.
And since most jobs get done everyday, week or month, your only going to have too print out one set...

I have done this for my children when they were younger.

If I had to do this for an adult the desire to have sex with him would have departed forever just at the point when I carefully typed out "put dirty clothes in the washer and take out afterwards"

I agree with Jackiebrambles. Op you are acting like you're married with 3 kids already. Spend more time at his and let him do some cooking and use his gas. Don't you go out much together and enjoy your relationship?

He doesn't know it's a problem until you tell him

How does any adult not know it is a problem to have another adult do all his laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. How? Fair enough I suppose if he is otherwise wonderful, put in a bit of time to retrain him to normal adult activities but seriously - how do these people get through life without a girlfriend to do these normal everyday things? Do they live in their own squalor? Or do they do all these things until a woman comes along.

With the level of support he is getting, I'd be furious at his response. You should not have to ask or even think of asking.

I think if you're used to living independently in your own place, supporting yourself etc, it can be hard to let another person into that space. After a time, they need to shift from guest to resident.

You need to be prepared for him to do housework his way, cook his way and be able to put a stamp on the place.
I know a few women that insist on overseeing everything, writing their partners lists of jobs, criticising them for not doing things as they would...they seem happy being in control in this way.

You have to let go of your tight grip of the reins in order for him to take up the slack.

It's your home, not his, therefore mostly things are your responsibility.

This is a good point. It may be that he does see it as 'your place'. The danger is that you are setting up habits that will transfer when you do move in together, as you will have both settled into that routine by then.

Agree you need to sit down and set ground rules. And stop doing his washing! Tell him to do it at his own place.

The 'He said I should ask if I needed help' thing worries me. Why does he not offer in the first place? That smacks of selfishness and laziness. As you've already pointed out, if he was spoilt by his mother then that's just what he expects, and you can probably expect a lifetime of it. Which is grim. Talk to him now and tell him explicitly that he needs to change his attitude towards women. That has nothing to do with hour many hours you work versus him. And do not ever feel guilty for having a better paid job! You have worked hard to educate yourself and you have earned every penny of it.

Your all laughing at the magnetic list of jobs,
But this has been proved to work.
and it makes the point that he can't say he doesn't know the jobs need doing.

Does he also sit there while you are cooking, cleaning and putting his clothes in your washing machine?

She didn't say in her post that she did his washing only that she does laundry. I got the impression she meant that she has always been independent.